problems with mom & friends

Lately, there's been a lot of tension between my mother and I. Ususally, we get along, and I love her, but I don't think that she realizes that the things she's been saying to me really hurt.

In the past, I've self-injured, but I made a promise to my friends that I would try to stop. It has been about three months since I made that promise without doing anything to hurt myself, but I broke that promise just 2 days ago.

My mother has been really difficult with me lately about losing weight. At first, she wasn't really mean about it at all, but then she really started getting on my nerves.
I have really low self-esteem to begin with and she lowers it even more.

One time, in public she made this comment about the way I look, "God, NAME HERE, you look like you're 6 months pregnant. You really need to do something about that."

From there, it kept going downhill with the mean comments. Honestly, I don't know if she knows what this is doing to me. Nearly 3 months, and I've done so well, until this. Now, it's really difficult for me to say, " I love you, Mom,"
And what's even better is that no one would believe me because my mom acts so nice around my friends. My mom would just play it off and say that I'm over exaggerating.

The worst part is, she doesn't know about the self-injury. She saw some of the scars on my stomach, and I told her they were acne scars because she wouldn't listen to me if I told her the truth; I would just end up getting yelled at even more.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT SHE MAKES ME WISH I WAS DEAD.

Now that school's about to start, I know that my friends are gonna see the scars, and I'll have to face them too.

I hate lying to everyone, but I don't know what else to do. I'm afraid to talk to anyone I know about it because they might over-react. I called the National Runaway Switchboard hotline, and after a minute, I freaked out and hung up the phone. My mother won't bother to make a conference call either.

I'm really sick of living with her, feeling like this, and hurting myself. She says she's only saying those things because she loves me, and I have a hard time believing that. And I'm really tired of having such a low self-esteem; I'm tired of running away from mirrors.

I wish I could tell her to stop.

[ccsmod5]

Re: problems with mom & friends

Hello,

Thank you for sharing your story and emotions with us on the message board. No one, not even your mom has the right to treat you that way. Does anyone know that you cut or about the things you mom says to you?

Sounds like you don't have very many ways to talk about your frustrations. What do you think would happen if you talked to your friends about your situation? They seem to be very supportive and worried about your condition. Would they be someone you could turn to, even if you didn't tell them about cutting?

What helps you feel better? Does talking about your experiences help you figure out what options you'd be willing to try out? There are a few things you can do but depending on the state, options can vary.

It's understandable why you'd be scared to talk to us at the switchboard, but just so you know, we are anonymous and confidential. Whenever you can, call us 24 hrs. We're at 1800RUNAWAY.

Best of luck and if you'd like, we can keep talk about your situation on this message board.

-NRS

Re: problems with mom & friends

"There are a few things you can do but depending on the state, options can vary."

What do you mean by this?

[ccsmod5]

Re: problems with mom & friends

Well,

The legal age of adulthood varies from state to state. The age of majority in most of the US states is 18 but in some it's 16 or 17. Even then it can be tricky. Usually people can call the local police department to find the age of adulthood. At that point, people can move out of their homes if they are that particular age.

So, you can either move out at a certain age, declare emancipation, etc.

These are just legal/formal procedures you can follow to "get out" of the house. If you think it's possible to make things work out at home and are willing to try out other things, there are definitely options for that: For example counseling (either individual or joint). If you say your mom tells you to stop exaggerating, do you think there's something that's stopping her from recognizing that she might be doing something harmful to you? If so, she might also benefit from talking to professionals.

In any case, it's difficult to describe in detail what options are available for you but keep posting and we'll keep trying to answer. Again, if you want a more coherent conversation, give us a call. Best of luck.

-NRS

Re: problems with mom & friends

Well, I'm only 15, and I don't know if what she's doing is categorized as abuse. I go to a special medical magnet high school as well, and that could cause problems (because I'm out of zone); I also have my friends, dad, and brother that I wouldn't want to leave behind. I guess I'm looking for a solution where I could stay in my house until high school ends (I'm college bound and should be leaving when I'm 1, but I just want her to stop being so harsh and for her to realize that what she's doing hurts me without her knowing that I've been cutting. I do love her, but I just want her to know that she's hurting me so she'll stop.

[ccsmod1]

Re: problems with mom & friends

Thanks for posting again. It sounds like you know what you want to change, but you're having a difficult time figuring out how to do it. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or getting a family mediator? Sometimes it helps to have someone outside of the situation facilitate a conversation. Do you think something like this might work? Usually mediators can help come up with "rules" so both of you [assuming it would be your mom and you] are respected and feel heard. Then both would have a chance to express how you're feeling and what you'd like to see change. Then with the mediator's help you could all come up with possible solutions or compromises to change the things you'd discussed. There is likely an agency in your area that could provide this service for you, or maybe even someone through your school could do it. Also, we do have a conference calling service here where you could call us. Talk to one of our "liners" [person that answers the phone], explain a little about the situation then we could call your mom with you and all talk together. You're welcome to give us a call if you want info about possible mediators/counselors in your area, want to do a conference call or just want someone to talk to. We're available 24 hours a day, so you can call anytime. Good Luck.

Re: problems with mom & friends

I have thought about a counselor, but the only way that I think I can see one is through school, and I wouldn't know what to say because I'm afraid of what my counselor's reaction will be if I tell her that I've self-injured in the past and have had thoughts of suicide. I really don't want to see a psychiatrist because it will just be a waste of time and an embarassment.

A mediator wouldn't work either because my mom wouldn't follow the "rules". She wouldn't even bother counseling either because it would be a waste of her time.

Right now I'm really scared because my mom's trying to make me get a physical (I haven't been able to sleep) because most doctors are trained to recognize self-injury. When the doctor goes to take my pulse, it will be nothing less than obvious. And if the doctor does notice, of course she'll tell my mother. I'm freaking out because of all of this. I don't know what to do. I really don't want my mom to find out because she'll get REALLY MAD at me, and I don't want anyone at school (counselors and teachers) to know about it because I'm afraid they'll treat me like I'm a RISK TO MYSELF. If any of the above happens, it will just complicate things even more. I'm really in need of some advice on what I should do to avoid further complications. PLEASE!

[ccsmod5]

Re: problems with mom & friends

Hello,

Thanks for continuing the conversation/message.

As far as we know, you can refuse to have a "test" taken. They are voluntary until they become mandated through the legal system (courts). Of course, that might bring upon other issues. Although, if there is a history of self injury and cutting, this might be mandated. Sounds like if someone finds out that you are cutting, that they are going to have to inform other people. Are there things you can tell counselors/teachers so that if this does get out to those people, they don't have to make such a big deal about it?

I am only saying this because you are sounding like it's inevitable that people are going to find out. Would it be best to prepare for the worst?

Let us know, we can keep talking this out.

Re: problems with mom & friends

By "test", you mean a mental evaluation?
Okay, I think it might be best to prepare for the worst, but how would I do that?
I don't know how I would explain myself to everyone.
All I know is that I'm scared and confused as heck.
I know that I'm going to have to go to get a physical sooner or later.
And I really want to talk to someone; I really do, I just don't know what price I'm willing to pay to do that.
I just don't know what to do or what to say!!!

[ccsmod5]

Re: problems with mom & friends

Hey,

Well, first let me apologize if there are somethings that I am misinterpreting/labeling. I don't mean to put words in your mouth or tell you what and what not to do. Only you can come up with a plan of action and it seems like we might be getting somewhere but sometimes when in the moment, it feels like one is getting nowhere.

As far as I can tell from this lengthy conversation, you know exactly how you feel and how to explain that to other people. Of course this is an online conversation but who's to say this isn't as valid as a session with a counselor/therapist? You are talking (typing) about what your concerns and fears are and most people don't even know how to get to that point, so thank you for sharing such tough/confusing emotions.

Let's say you did have to go to a doctor and they saw that you are cutting, who are the people that would be informed of this? After these people are told, do you know what the procedures would be for them to "watch" you? Do you think it would help to talk to all the parties involved about your concerns and frustrations? Would making a list of issues help?

Maybe something along the lines of:
This is how I feel about you knowing about what I do and is it possible to keep the "attention" to a minimun by us doing...so and so.

I don't know, just a start to the list. I'm sure you have a ton of things you'd like to tell the people involved. Maybe you can write them out for us to read on here. And if you really want to talk to someone, don't worry, we're still confidential and anonymous so no one has to know that you are Anonymous1992 if you were to call in at 1800.RUNAWAY

Best of luck, we hope to keep hearing from you.

-NRS

Re: problems with mom & friends

No need to apologize.

It does feel like I'm getting nowhere...but you're right. This is just as valid as a session with a counselor/therapist, but I just feel a lot more comfortable this way; not having to face or hear the person I'm communicating with.

It's really hard for me to even comunicate this way because my parents are almost always around when I'm using the computer.

Anyways, when you said:
"After these people are told, do you know what the procedures would be for them to "watch" you? Do you think it would help to talk to all the parties involved about your concerns and frustrations? Would making a list of issues help?"
I came up with some answers.
I do not know what the procedures would be for them to "watch" me.
I'm not sure how to talk to all the parties involved because I wouldn't know where to start.
Making a list of issues might help, but I don't know what issues you're talking about, perhaps the ones that would arise if anyone found out?

I can say that I doubt that I will ever cut again, as I realized the last time that I did it that it wasn't helping me, but when things get really bad between my mother and I, I do get tempted to.

As far as what I'd tell a doctor...I'm still rough on what to say, but I think I'd say something along the lines of:
"Yes, I have cut in the past but now I think I have that situation under control, except of course that I feel tempted to cut in times of stress and times when I'm being brought down by other people (i.e., my mother's comments). If too much attention was to be brought to this, I feel that it may complicate things (such as school, friends, and home-life) more complicated than they need to be. I think that the main issue that needs to be tackled is the tension between my mother and I. I would agree to talk to a school counselor about this in further detail if excess attention was not brought to this matter."

Does that sound okay?

I'd really apreciate your opinion. I do realize that I have to make my own decisions, but like I said, I'm still a little cloudy on what exactly I'll say to everyone else.

Thanks.

[ccsmod5]

Re: problems with mom & friends

Making a list of issues might help, but I don't know what issues you're talking about, perhaps the ones that would arise if anyone found out?

YES!

And the little segment you wrote about what to tell the doctor is great. Hopefully you will have someone that is receptive and will let you have the agency you deserve.

Thanks for listing those things and I hope things go well. It seems like you flushed out some great ideas today. To make this easier, can we move to another step and have you call in to the hotline? It might make things easier for you and someone on the other line so there isn't any confusion about what this or that means.

Take care.

-NRS

Re: problems with mom & friends

Okay, I've thought of calling the hotline, but I'm not so sure if I'm ready to do that just yet.

However, I've come up with a list of issues that would arise if anyone found out. Here they are:
1. People wouldn't trust me to be by myself as often.
2. My parents, school staff and administrators, and some friends (the ones who don't know about the self-injury yet) will worry about me excessively (even if they say the won't) when they find out.
3. Some might question my attendence at the medical magnet school (questioning if I should be there because I've struggled with self-injury in the past).
4. People are going to think I'm (ugh! I really didn't want to say this...) mental when I'm not!
5. People are probably going to get me more help than I need.
6. I've got more than enough stress in my life; this is going to cause even more.
7. No matter what anyone says, I'll always be treated differently by my friends and pupils. (Out of all my friends who know right now, all of them started treating me differently when they found out, except for one.)

There is nothing I want more than to be able to work in the medical field when I'm older, so my education is really important for me, and I don't want this to affect it at all.

There's even more, I just can't put it into words right now. But I really don't want any of this, even though I'll probably get it eventually. My biggest regret is even starting (self-injury) at all because it seems like it helps at first, but it really doesn't; it just causes more problems than before.

In a way, I wish my mom did know about how I've cut in the past, so maybe she'd stop treating me the way she does; but then again, I don't want her to know because she probably wouldn't understand and she'd just get angry with me.

My mom's talked to me about lots of things not to do (like smoking, drugs, ect.) but no one has ever warned me about this, and I really wish someone did because now I can't help but be paranoied most of the time.

[ccsmod5]

Re: problems with mom & friends

Well,

All those issues and concerns are extremely valid. It's unfortunate that your medical history would ever follow you into your future but unfortunately, at times it does. Is there someone that you trust and would be willing/able to plan something out as to how people that cut, normally deal with this?

There has got to be someone (ie councelor, therapist, psychiatrist) that specializes in self injury and how to cope after cutting. Do you have any resources for that? There is one agency that I know of that has self injury specialist on the phone lines.

S.A.F.E Alternatives
1.800. 366.8288

Maybe that is something that can start the process of not letting self injury effect your future and realtionships.

-NRS

Re: problems with mom & friends

Okay, I tried to call the hotline: that didn't work; I hung up as soon as someone answered.

I've done a lot of thinking lately; and I'm glad to say that I DON'T want to cut anymore, although I'm still struggling with my self-image...very much.

Since school started, I haven't been able to sleep over the amount of 4 hours, and I'm starting to fall asleep in class (parents don't know about that...). I really can't help it and my mother has recently threatened to take me out of the academy if I don't sleep because she says that I can't sleep because I'm too streseed. But that's not the problem, I can't sleep...well...just because; it's not because I'm stresed.

Because I don't like falling asleep in class and I don't want my grades to sink, I asked that she make me a doctor's appointment. I'm scheduled for a full physical sometime in November.

As you know, I've been avoiding going to a doctor because of the past self-injury. Because the area where I cut on my arm was small, I might be able to cover it with one of those huge band-aids; if the doctor asks about it, I could lie. But that might not work if the doctor asks to see it.

Besides that, I think I'll be fine unless the doctor needs to see my stomach for some reason (I used to self-injure on my stomach). My mom saw it and I told her that they were acne scars (because I do sometimes get acne there, and some of them were acne scars). Because the scars were round, she believed me, but I'm not so sure that a doctor would believe me because doctors are trained to recognize self-injury.

Now I really wish I knew what doctors would do if I told them that I don't cut anymore (which is the truth ). Could they still ask me to take a test? Could they still request that I see a counselor?

If anyone asked, I'd be glad to answer questions as to why I self-injured, but I don't want a counselor for it. Of course, I'd go to a conselor to talk about other things, but going to a counselor for self-injury just seems pointless because I don't do it anymore.

I'm here to ask questions so I can avoid all of that. I just hope everything works out in the end.

Thank you so much, NRS, for trying to help me.