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im all lost of hope, i dont see light anymore, i want light but no luck...

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  • im all lost of hope, i dont see light anymore, i want light but no luck...

    Context: Im currently 15 yrd as of making this, i live with my parents who now we moved to living with my moms brothers's family, my life has been a tradgity for most of my life,
    the most noteworthy ones are: when i was 10 yrd, my parents got into A MASSIVE arguement that got physical with my big bro (whos now year 3 in college)my mom and my grandma. he then ditched me and my family for a whole year to florda to cheat on my mom.
    when i was 11, i had a mental breakdown which led me to an insane asylum for a week,
    my dad is a big smoker, always smokes a cigerete EVERY TIME he gets upset.
    my little brother outed me for being bisexual and i know my parents are homophobic since they use the word faggot, (im also struggling with internalized homophobia about my bisexuality)
    my little brother constantly sending fruitless threats all cus im in the furry fandom, thinking everyone in the fandom is a perverted zoophile when thats dead wrong.
    my mom always monitoring me over privacy even with my first phone i got at june this year. all because i got caught watching gay porn out of expirament ONCE ONLY and put a phone tracker on it to spy on me constantly which i feel VERY UNCONFORTBLE WITH AND DO NOT CONSENT TO.
    i also attempted suicide twice, once at 10 when my dad ditched my family and at 11 yrd.

    now with context time for the real explanation.
    recently this week i got into 2 huge arguements today and yesterday too, yesterday because she found panties on the side of the bed i hide garbage at, (it was one that my cousin that lives with my uncle, note that im not trans mtf, i found out that they are VERY soft and comfy,) and she called me a perv monster (same when i got caught watching gay porn) and she would constantly drill on my head that masterbation will make me a pedophile, and masterbating even once every 2 days at night in my bed is exeessive. so i cant have any privacy, note that my parents (mainly my dad) are emotionaly kinda abusive my dad will always call me a sissy and do things even when i told him MULTIPLE TIMES NO. he even almost 2 years ago would tickle my genitialia. my mom thought that my dad was playing with me when of course, thats pedophilia. today happened when a teacher in my high school wouldnt answer the raised hand, i stucked the middle finger on her, and called her an asshole, due to this my mom thought that not going on the field trip isnt enough and thought that only being punished at school would tell me in my mind that ill be rewarded for doing bad things, which is dead wrong.

    ive also seriously considered running away, i didnt want to do this being baby sat like a 2 yrd all cus i had servere adhd and autism, i wanted to be treated like an adult, but im afried of running away but dont want to be in my home, i also have no friends have been unable to have a friend and all my friends are online, since i couldnt be with friends my age, all my online friends are like 18 19 20, 17 the youngest, but are kind to me and are motherly figures online. (on discord). are also accepting of me being bisexual, the only issue is, they are in college so i cant live with them.

    ive done multiple things, asked suicide hot lines, tried EXTENSIVE therapy, everything, nothing works, me being a lost cause is the only thing i see me agreeing with my parents. i feel defeated, hopeless, a failure, all i have to lose is my gaming labtop which ill get in black friday, and my phone i got in june. but is near useless since it has family link on without my consent.

  • #2
    Hi there, thanks for reaching out to us at NRS.
    It sounds you’ve been through a lot these last 5 years, between the issues with your dad leaving the family, experiencing some mental health issues, feeling like your family doesn’t respect your sexuality or your hobbies, and that you don’t have any privacy. Moreover, you do not deserve to be emotionally or sexually abused (it sounds like from what you were saying, your dad’s behavior of tickling your genitalia could be considered sexual abuse). You have the right to report it and get help, which you can do through the National Child Abuse Hotline (800) 422-4453 (www.childhelp.org), by talking to a staff person at your school or health/mental health professional, or by calling our hotline (800) RUNAWAY.
    It is great that you have found a community of people online who seem to accept you for who you are and your sexuality-that is very important to your wellbeing. You also seem to be a very resourceful and driven person to be seeking out hotlines, therapy, and forums like this to get help. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have found little relief or home from what you’ve tried, but that doesn’t mean that you are doomed or that the right option isn’t out there. It often takes a person to try a number of resources before finding something that helps, or for you to find the right resource that helps you at the right time. You referenced calling suicide hotlines, but incase you don’t have this number, we’d like to share it: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255. Please know you can also call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room if you are ever having active thoughts of suicide. If you are interested in local resources, we have a large database that we can search through to see if there is additional support that can help. Our hotline is available 24/7 and completely confidential (800) RUNAWAY, or you can find us on the Chat feature, and we can talk further about your situation and try to come up with a solution together: www.1800runaway.org.
    It’s very brave of you to reach out and want to do something to better your life, and you don’t have to go through this alone.
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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