Former runaway trying best to get by in life

[Guest]

I was abused by my mother during my childhood also didn’t get to have my father around.Mom always had different men in the house and most of the time they’d leave or beat her some of the beatings I’ve witnessed.Mom met a friend who hated us because of jealousy?IDK her reasons but she basically contributed to my mom hating and beating me most of my childhood.She convinced my mom I was a liar and a bad child so I took some serious beatings.She had a guy at the time who used to beat me too even going as far as to make me drink his urine while my mom was ok with it.Thats not the worst of it I’ve taken some pretty serious abuse from the two of the parents and to top it off the guy who beat me with my mom is my sisters dad.By the time I was 14 I ran away from home.I did any and everything I could to stay on the streets and away from my family I’d sleep in abandoned houses hang out with weird people just for places to sleep you name it.After years of staying on the streets and getting locked up for being a runaway they would put me back at my mothers house but I’d leave again the same nights.I kept running away so much the police eventually just kept me in jail when I was 17 to 18 because they knew I wouldn’t go back home.Never graduated high school dropped out after I ran away.Im now 25 and for the sake of my mom I forgave her after all these years.Mind you I had cut her off for years after I left home I only let her back into my life when I became an adult.I still have pain and it hurts I know I forgave mom but something inside me still hurts.I also have 3 younger siblings now ages 13 8 and 6 the 13 year old is my sister from the man who abused me years ago.I forgave mom but I will NEVER forgive these men.I guess I’m just here to vent.Mom has a good job now and is an excellent parent and I see my siblings get treated amazing but my life was total hell so I guess you could say I am alittle jealous.Ive cut mostly all my family off and I don’t even think they know why.Ive never told anyone my own parents were abusing me I just ran away when I couldn’t take it anymore and never looked back.Do I ever tell my family I was never a bad kid I just got beat?Do I tell my sister and eventually when she’s old enough that her dad was abusing me?I feel like I’m keeping a huge secret from the world because I never got to talk about it with anyone except my mom and it sucks that I’ve probably been painted as this horrible problem child all these years when really it was my mothers fault for failing at raising me.Even tho me and mom are on good terms now I have my own apartment.Recently found out I’ll have to move back in with mom due to finances after not living in her house for 11 years and I’ve got to say I really don’t want to do it.Love my siblings I go visit them all the time as well as mom but this move is going to kill me.Ill do my best but I worry my mental health will suffer while trying to rush to get a better job and get out of there can anybody talk to me?

[ccsmod13]

Hi there,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us here at NRS and we appreciate you sharing your situation with us. It sounds like there is a lot that you are faced with right now and you are in need of some support. Even just venting about a stressful situation can often be a helpful outlet. It sounds like experiencing some financial issues during the pandemic and having to move back in with your mom is bringing up some painful and very real memories and feelings. This makes sense considering the abuse that you described and the fact that your siblings get treated so much differently. It's okay to still be processing these complicated feelings and to be worried about what it will be like to have to live with your mom again. It's a very stressful situation to be in and you deserve to feel supported. You mentioned needing a safe place to process some of these feelings and some of your next steps in terms of how to cope with your mental health, what you should or should not communicate to your family and how to continue to heal from your past trauma. It sounds like having a counselor or therapist could be a helpful resource to you during this time. There are a couple of resources that can help you find a local and affordable therapist: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline; 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). NAMI also has a crisis text line for immediate support whenever you need someone to talk to. Text "connect" to 741741 to be connected to a counselor 24/7.

We hope these resources are helpful and we wish you the best,
NRS