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My mother makes me want to kill myself

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  • My mother makes me want to kill myself

    Before you read this, let me clarify.

    This is not abuse.

    -------

    As a Korean-American, I was put under a lot of pressure by my family. I was expected to get a 96 or above in all subjects and excel in all fields, including music, art, coding, sports, etc. I was to be skinny and "pretty."

    When I was younger, I used to cry a lot. Every day I would come home with red rimmed eyes and a runny nose. My mother was ashamed at my behavior, but didn't do anything about it.

    When I started middle school, the expectations started to become too much for me to handle. I was never good at sports, but I was good at my studies and just a bit lazy. My mother had never let me go anywhere by myself, and I never had any spare time with all of the after school activities and whatnot. I bottled up my feelings inside.

    When I was twelve, I started to cut. I don't know the reason exactly, but it made me feel...powerful. In control. Like I could do something in my life for once.

    In seventh grade, my grades started to drop. My mother started to hit me if I said something wrong, if I made her just a bit angry. She said that I was going to make her blood pressure rise and that I would kill her. She threatened to abandon me, lock me out, kill me. She made me feel worthless. Every time I heard her voice, my good mood would evaporate.

    Her mood constantly shifted. If she was annoyed with family matters, she would take her anger out by shouting at me. She would go to happy to angry, then calm and then angry when she noticed that I wouldn't stop crying. It wasn't abuse, but it made me feel worthless. She called me a failure, a menace, not even a human, etc.. I started to spend more and more time thinking about hurting myself and how it would help other people, because nobody liked me anyways. I went from staples and a compass to pieces of glass and scissors. I started to eat less food and more paper. I would hold my breath until I almost passed out just to feel the pain.

    I want to improve my relationship with her, but I don't know how and I don't even know if I really want to.

  • #2
    Hey there,

    Thanks so much for contacting us, it takes a lot of courage to reach out and share your story. It must be really hard to live in a home with so much tension. It sounds like your mom is putting a lot of unrealistic expectations on you and that isn't fair.

    You mentioned that you cut as a way of coping with the stress that home brings. We care a lot about your safety, and we can help you find resources that can help you cope with these feelings. Many other people have turned to this before and you aren't alone - if you'd like more support you can check out To Write Love on Her Arms at https://twloha.com/. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, the National Suicide Hotline could be a good resource for you. You can check them out at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/, or you can call 1-800-273-8255 for help and support any time.

    It sounds like you and your mom and having issues communicating and when you are trying to express your thoughts and feelings about your current situation they are not being heard by your mom. It could be a good idea to work with a local family counselor or have a conversation mediated by a school counselor/social worker, trusted friend, or family member to help clear the air. If you'd like, you can also call us directly and we can conduct a conference call with your mom so you have a safe environment where you can express yourself.

    If you’d like to go over what’s going on in depth, or if you’d like to explore other options that you may have available to you, please don’t hesitate to call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY. You can also chat us by clicking on the “CHAT” button on top of our homepage. We’re open 24/7 and here to listen and support you in any way we can.

    Stay safe,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    info@1800runaway.org (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
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