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I changed my mind about running away, but...

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  • I changed my mind about running away, but...

    Note: Sorry for the format, I just find it easier for me to read at such a late time. (Late as I make this post.)



    Here is what I have to deal with.

    Parents who want me to have perfect grades, extremely isolated, expecting me to be happy and kind when I face arguing, rejection, and manipulation every day.
    Just do your routine like a nice little robot.

    -


    Of course, while I won't list any disorders specifically, I have a lot of mental problems I'm aware of.
    The most obvious symptoms are extreme social anxiety and panic attacks, the former being caused by years of isolation.


    Well, I guess I don't need to explain much to show I'm suffering, don't I.
    Let's skip ahead a little.

    On my birthday, I was threatened by my mom. Her voice went low and guttural, something my dad also does at his breaking point.
    Yet, in this case, I never expected her to be the anger-driven animal.
    I was afraid, suddenly, going into fight-or-flight. Almost had a panic attack.
    The only "Reassurance" was my dad coming up to me, while my face was twitching on its own, and whispering "Happy Birthday" to me, touching me.
    It wasn't sexual. But, it felt perverse. I hated it. I hate it all, but I control myself.

    I decided to run away. This would be the second time I'd begun planning.

    I had my first chat, to help continue this plan. Instead, I ended up changing my mind.

    Other than the long process if I ever got caught, This week is so busy, in fact, it would be March where I'd be most free.
    Of course, I could always run and ruin their plans. Yet still I feel I should go for a more peaceful approach.

    Here are my difficulties.

    1. My parents, shown in their behavior and family history, are not normal parents. They both have anger issues and are extremely hard to persuade. My dad thinks all mentally-ill people are insane or faking. He is impossible to talk to on serious matters, showing many signs of a sociopath. I managed to persuade my mom to make me see a therapist. For this I have to wait 6 months as our doctor left for some reason.

    2. Since they tend to "break" when their orders are not followed, I can only fear what would happen if they knew I escaped, caught, and saw them face to face once again. Or if the process takes a long time, I'd be trapped.

    3. I have no one to turn to, except a possible friend after I'm free on March. I don't have close friends, We have to look for another church, and all relatives are either too far away or mentally unstable or my parents don't trust them and avoid them like the plague.

    I want to leave my parents. Be adopted. I don't even care if the next pair turn up abusive, I'll just do it again.


    I know I have potential, I have good grades like they wanted, I want to make friends, be loved, and love with a true love. But I can feel myself slip away even after so many years of taking this.


  • #2
    Hi there,
    Thank you for writing to us here at National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on. It sounds like you’re quite overwhelmed by things at home right now and you mentioned being harmed. We’re sorry you’re going through this. You don't deserve to be hurt in any way. If you are at risk of any danger or feeling unsafe, we encourage you to reach out to 911 or seek emergency assistance immediately. You may also be able to report any mistreatment to CPS. Child Help USA 1-800-422-4453 www.childhelp.org is an organization that helps protect minors from being harmed. It may also be a good place to explore options for staying with another family member or someone you trust as far as transferring custody. . It also sounds like you’re quite overwhelmed by things at home right now. It sounds like you’re fearing that the situation may end in suicide if things don’t change. Your safety and well-being is important. If you are at risk of any danger or feeling unsafe, we encourage you to reach out to 911 or seek emergency assistance immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255); www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org is also a great resource to reach out to in addition to our crisis services.
    Often, having a safe space to share how you’re feeling may bring a variety of solutions previously not thought of. You are not alone in this. We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time.
    If you would like to talk more in detail please chat soon through our website www.1800runaway.org (click on the chat button) if you are unable to call in. We unfortunately cannot give advice as we are non-directive. You know your situation best
    We hope to hear from you soon.
    Be safe,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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