*Shrug* Life is retarted.

Alright. This could be very...very long. *Sigh* Basically, I feel really hopeless. All the time. And I'm tired of being home. Nothing ever changes. I'm not talking about boredom. I'm talking about all of these situations I'm in. I mean, sure these situations change, but they're never for the better. Ugh, ok, I'm rambling. So let's narrow all this crap down.

First.
I'm a Christian. But really, I can NEVER be completely like, on fire with God, you know what I mean? I just don't see the "WOOHOO!" of it all. I have moments when I'm in church. But I mean, my prayers are never answered...and so much more. I just don't know. It's just like, I believe he's there...but, I have...doubts sometimes. But at the same time I don't. *Shrug* It's weird.

Second.
My boyfriend lives 2 hours away.
Yes, indeed it sucks never-endingly. I get to see him, like...once a month. MAYBE. Now, I've paid people to take me to see him. Wanna know how much? 80 DOLLARS. Plus, I've bought a whole bunch of stuff for him. So it all totals to about...115 DOLLARS. And thats allooottt for me...because my family is really...poor. But guess what? He has done nothing to come to see me. I mean, given that he isn't even supposed to have a girlfriend yet. But that is ONLY because his mom is really really mean. And I'm not just saying that. She yells the 'F word' at him all the time, and even tries to make him miss school to do housework sometimes. Anyways, he keeps saying "I can't get down there." When he doesn't even TRY. Seriously. And I've almost risked my life to get down there. I was literally going to ride my bike down the highway to see him, until someone finally took me...for 40 bucks. All I'm saying is, it isn't fair. And he's even saying he has no way to get here for my birthday, and if I want to see him basically, I'm going to have to get up theereee. ALTHOUGH, I'm giving you a false feeling of what he's like. He is really really sweet, and an amazing boyfriend. And I really do love him. (NOTE: I actually DO know what I'm talking about when I say I love him. ) But yeah...*sigh*. Also though, he's been calling me alot less lately. Like, we used to talk for LITERALLY, 6 hours a day. Now we talk for like, IF I'M lucky, 2 hours a day. But, his mom has installed a schedule for him to talk with me. But, sometimes, he says his time is up, before it really is. And then, alot of time...he puts things over me. Like, movies. For example: Today, we didn't talk at all. So I finally called him, and he said "Ugh! My family started a movie without me, I'm gonna go watch it. I love you more, bye." So I'm like ".... " It's like, the same situation as a married couple, that is way past the newlywed phase. We still love each other, but he isn't participating so much anymore. And I don't know how to change that.


Thirdly.
DUMB ol' school.
I feel like it's a huuuggee waste of time. Not cuz' I'm bored. But, I feel like it's just, taking up a whole bunch of time, when I really don't need any of it. Because, when I get older, I really just want to be a musician. And school isn't going to do any of that. Because I don't need help. All I need to do is write songs, get really good, study music theory, make demos, blahblahblah, I've studied the whole process.
And, I really just want to run away, because I'm tired of everything sucking, and I wish I could see him more often.

So, I guess that's all I need help with...also, it might be important to mention, I'm PRETTY sure I'm bi-polar. So, I'm really, *shrug* I don't know. These situations are actually more of a big deal, but I'm in the "better" mood phase right now.
So yeah...the end, I guess.. *Siighh...*

[ccsmod3]

Re: *Shrug* Life is retarted.

Thank you for contacting the NRS. We’re sorry you are having such a difficult time right now and feeling so hopeless. We’re glad you felt like you were able to open up to us and share what was going on in your life. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on with religious questioning, your boyfriend, and school.

You identified yourself as Christian and that you were having some doubts about your religion; is there anyone at your church like a pastor or youth group leader you are able to talk to? Since we are not experts on religion, a church or other religious organization might be better able to answer some of these types of questions. One resource that might be helpful in this area is the 700 Club which offers bulletins on its website and a 24 hour prayer line. According to its website, the 700 Club Prayer Counselors are available 24 hours a day.

The 700 Club: (800) 759-0700

You also mentioned your relationship with your boyfriend and how you’d like to change how much he is participating. Sometimes it is not possible to have control over the action of others. Keeping that in mind, what do you feel you do have control over in your relationship? You seem like a very dedicated girlfriend to have helped him out so much financially. If these things bother you, have you considered talking to him about how you are feeling? If you did share these feelings, what do you think his reaction would be?

You also discussed school and how you feel it is a huge waste of time. It must be very frustrating to feel this way. What particular subjects in school bother you? It sounds like you are very passionate about wanting to become a musician. Since you’d like to become a musician, is there anything in school you feel might be beneficial, especially in the music industry?

You mentioned feeling like running away from everything. If you did leave, what would be your plan? Who would you stay with and how would you take care of yourself? In most states, it is not illegal to run away, but most states recognize harboring a runaway as a crime. Some states also consider contributing to the delinquency of a minor a crime. It is difficult to know exactly what might happen in these cases because it can vary. However, if you were wanting to know the specifics of your area, you could always contact your local police anonymously.

The last thing you talked about was thinking you might be bipolar. We are not licensed counselors or psychologists here, but to our knowledge bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance, which often requires counseling, and or medication. Do you presently have a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist? If not, have you considered counseling as an option? There is also the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) which offers a variety of information and support on its website.

DBSA
http://www.dbsalliance.org

You stated that usually these things are more of a big deal, so if anything changes you are welcome to contact us. Remember our hotline 1-800-RUNAWAY is available 24/7, so if you’d like to discuss anything further, you are welcome to give us a call. We wish you the best of luck and hope that you begin to see improvement in your situation.

-NRS

Re: *Shrug* Life is retarted.

I never feel comfortable talking face-to-face with adults about religion. And the one time I thought I did, and scheduled a talk with my youth pastor, he forgot because he's so busy. So, yeah. Maybe the 700 club will work.

I don't really exactly know what I have control over in the relationship. I mean like, *sigh* it just feels like I'm doing more so we can get to see each other and everything. I just...it's all very confusing. It's as if he's a "bi-polar lover". You know, where some days he's so happy to be together, and everything, and other times...he doesn't even call. I HAVE considered talking to him, but precisely the reason I don't want to talk to him about it, is because I don't know how to say it that I'm upset about him not participating as much as I am...without making it sound mean. Plus, I'm also very afraid of what his reaction may be...but I know that is ONLY because...see, awhile back, I was in this situation, where I was in love with this one other guy...and I told him how I felt about the things he did...and then he just told me he was sick of me, and just...left. And so now, I'm TERRIFIED at the thought of that happening again. Really. It's practically a phobia.

All subjects in school bother me. I mean, I don't see the point of learning all about like, the Presidents, when once I get older, I might not even care to vote! Physics Concepts is just, waaayy too easy, and I don't even see the point of it in my future. Same for Gym...which sometimes, I just wish I could run-away JUST from Gym. That's how much I hate it. Let's see, what else...Oh yeah. English COULD help, I guess. But not when all your teacher does is make you read stories about African American culture. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, my school is almost 90% African American. And that sucks, more than you can imagine. Not be racist or prejudiced at all! These kids are different...they're really mean, and inconsiderate, and the only words you ever hear out of their mouths are cuss words and stuff COMPLETELY un-related to school.) Next, I'm at the point in math, where I won't be using any of it in my future. At all. I mean, where, in being a musician, will I HAVE to solve x=y5squaredblahblahblah? NO where. Art could help me, because I want to design everything that has to do with my band once I you know...get older...and start one. Eventually.
And the only music kind of stuff I'm going to get out of this place is a dumb little choir that isn't even going to sing decent songs, and all the kids will be causing chaos the whole time. So really, I don't know anything that could benefit me in music. I would just like, drop-out. But I feel like if I do that, and just go to like a music school, (Which I'm too young for ANYWAY...) I might never make it in the music industry, because as ALL family and friends say "It won't happen!"...and then I'll have no where to turn.

I don't know my plan if I ran away...I would go to where my boyfriend lives, but I can't stay with him...and all I want to do really, with this whole running away thing, is just to see him more, to be alone, to get more sleep and give my body some rest,(because let me tell you, it is SUFFERING from waking up so early and everything...like, I can't get used to it. AT ALL. Plus, the whole possibility of being bi-polar means I have aches out of no where...and ugh. It's not fun.) , and to just think things out. It's just way too chaotic here.


I don't presently have a phyciatrist or counselor, because my parents won't let me. And they don't want me "taking medicine" because they think it's unnatural and everything.
But, what do you do in counseling? And does it cost anything?

And I would've called in the first place, but I don't like answering questions on the phone like that...like, on the spot and everything. I'm just not comfortable.

So here, I reach the end again.

[ccsmod3]

Re: *Shrug* Life is retarted.

Thank you for contacting us again at NRS. We’re sorry you’re continuing to have such a difficult time. It sounds like you are unsure what to do in your relationship with your boyfriend. That must be very difficult. We would be happy to look at different options with you should you decide to call us.

It also seems like you are struggling a lot with school. It sounds like you’ve formed some pretty strong opinions and have made some generalizations about the people at your school. Have you tried looking at this situation from a different perspective? Again, if you would like to call us here, we would be available to talk about this issue more in depth.

You mentioned that you want to run away so that you can see your boyfriend more, be alone, get more sleep, and let your body rest. What other ways might you be able to accomplish these things?

If you would like to continue our conversation, our hotline is confidential and available 24/7. You said you don’t feel like answering questions over the phone on the spot. Have you considering making a list of what you would like to focus on before calling? We are non-directive here at NRS, so we do not tell our callers what they should or should not do. Instead we try and be solution focused and come up with options. Remember our number is 1-800-RUNAWAY should you need to talk about anything else. Good luck!

-NRS