I don't know where to go anymore...

I really don't know what to do (and sorry if I don't make much sense...I'm so exhausted)...
On Sunday morning some of the cross country kids from my school found one of our friends (and on of my neighbors) dead. I really don't want to go into all of the details becuase it's so frustrating to describe and I've already cried so much today...but we are basically 90% sure it was suicide...we will never be 100% as there are so many factors involved that it can't be perfectly determined.
But today during school we had greiving rooms and such to talk about her and just express our sadness that she was gone, but it seems like nothing helps. I still feel suicidal. I don't even know how to describe it. I didn't know my friend THAT well...just basically about who she was and what kinds of things she liked to do...so it didn't affect me as much as some of the other kids...I don't know...I've been suicidal for awhile (like 2 or 3 years) and it just seems like no matter what happens I've just been getting even more and more depressed and I don't know what to do anymore. I have honestly tried everything to get past this but nothing has worked: I was in the hospital in March but it just made me more depressed after I was released because my parents were angry with how I wouldn't talk to them about my feelings when all they do when I talk to them is turn away and ignore me, I've talked to sooooooo many counslers and my dad always finds an excuse for me to stop seeing them and the school counsler just ends up turning to my dad to tell him everything I have and it just makes my dad angry and makes my home life worse, I try to talk to my friends but nobody has really been suicidal so they don't understand how to deal with it--or they'll talk to my parents making my home life worse, I honestly don't know. I give up on trying to turn to anybody. Even the suicide hotline...they just called my parents and it has made me even more depressed because I don't know how to talk to my parents.
I don't even know where to turn anymore and I honestly just want to kill myself. I don't think I've ever had this much of an urge to do so and I don't know where to go because everywhere I do know to go just ends up making my life worse. Help?

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Re: I don't know where to go anymore...

How did you feel when you found your friend on Sunday? What kind of thoughts were you having? Did you talk to someone in one of the grieving rooms? Did you try to talk to any of the other kids at your school?

You said that you have been suicidal for awhile; are there any feelings or events that come before you start feeling like that? Do you have a plan for committing suicide? Have you ever tried to before? How long were you in the hospital for? Did they give you any medication?

You said that your parents expressed anger when you wouldn’t talk to them but then ignored you when you tried to talk to them. Have you ever tried to arrange a time with them to specifically talk about how you are feeling?

You said that your dad always finds a reason for you to stop seeing the counselors. What kinds of reasons does he use? Have you asked the school counselors why they tell your dad? Maybe you could try having a meeting with the school counselors and your dad at the same time. Then you could discuss everything at one time and it would be in a safe environment.

You also stated that when your dad finds out, your home life gets worse. What do you mean by that? Have you ever asked your friends why they contact your parents after you talk to them?

We are sorry to hear that you don’t feel comfortable talking to the National Suicide Hotline. Do you have access to a computer? If you do, there are quite a few websites concerning suicide and ways that you can talk to others in a confidential manner.

One of them is To Write Love on Her Arms (http://www.twloha.com). They have a list of different resources, also online, specifically about depression and suicide. Another one you could check out is HopeLine (http://www.hopeline.com). They also have links to different resources. A final one is S.A.F.E. Alternatives (http://www.selfinjury.com). All three of these websites can help you find answers that you may be looking for and someone that you can talk to.

We here at the National Runaway Switchboard are also available for you to talk to. We are a 24/7, confidential and anonymous crisis hotline. If you feel that none of the above links are of any assistance or if you need to talk to someone, you can always call or email us here. We look forward to hearing from you.

Good Luck!

NRS