I need help with a friend

[Guest]

My friend is suffering with a bad breakup. She was with a guy for six months, and she loves him and they were very sexually active. From the outside, you could see that they weren't faring that well (he was losing interest in her and was very possessive and had anger problems) but when the breakup came, she didn't seem to see it as so obvious. They have been talking since, but the guy has been really mean to her (when she texts him, he sometimes gives it to one of his friends who then calls her a whore or something). Generally, he just doesn't care how much he hurt her. And she's really hurting. She cries almost constantly and just lays around on the floor at school. Whenever she sees him, she leaves the room. She talks about running away often (from school, not home). I would like to know how I can help her, or how she can be helped. It's really hard for me to be around her, though, and I feel bad, but because being around her reminds me about something similar that still hurts me, I can't be around her too much. So how can I help myself help her, or her help herself, or all of this, because it's horrible to see a friend hurt.

[ccsmod1]

Re: I need help with a friend

Thanks for sharing a little bit of your friend’s story with us. Breakups are always difficult, especially when one person is more emotionally invested than the other. It sounds like your friend is taking this breakup really hard. She was with him for a while and it sounds like she really loved him, so that makes it so much more difficult. Do you know if anything helps her feel better? From what you wrote, it seems that seeing him and communicating with him doesn’t help and in fact, makes it worse. It’s often difficult to stop having a relationship with someone, and girls especially, tend to want to keep up communication with an ex-boyfriend. This can sometimes just make the wound stay open longer, because every time she talks to him and he treats her poorly, she “re-lives” the breakup and that he’s not the same person she first started dating. Do you think she would be able to stay away from him and not talk to him? At least for a while, so she has more time to heal. It’s probably hard being at the same school, because that’s something she doesn’t have a lot of control over.

One of the biggest things that usually help youth in situations like this is being surrounded by family and friends that love and support them. There’s not an easy way to just move on, it’s a day-by-day struggle. But slowly, she’ll start to heal. You mentioned that she wants to run from school. Do you know if there are counselors at your school that she could talk to? Maybe they’d be able to offer her emotional support while she’s at school. It may also help her to talk to someone about everything she’s feeling and thinking.

You’re a wonderful friend to be so worried about her. It is always hard to see a friend hurt and not be able to just take the pain away. You mentioned that being around her reminds you of something similar that still hurts you. What, if anything, helped you? Just being a present, supportive friend that’s there to listen to her and understand what she’s going through, is likely to help her in the end.

Of course, if she needs someone to just listen to her and be supportive, she’s welcome to call our hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY. Someone is here 24/7.

[Guest]

Re: I need help with a friend

Thanks. Amazingly, she turned around today and seemed fine, was smiling and joking. I suppose she could get depressed again just as quick, but I'll keep what you said in mind. What helped me was being at school, because my relationship was outside of school and I never told anyone about it, so none of my school friends knew what was going on, and I could just forget it. She's a very strong person, though, stronger than me, and I think she will be fine. It just distressed me seeing her so completely bad off yesterday. Again, thank you.

[ccsmod1]

Re: I need help with a friend

We're glad to hear she seems to be doing better! You're probably right that there will be good days and bad days, but with your (and other friend's) support hopefully the bad days won't be too bad. If you need anything else, let us know!