21 & Parents won't let me visit boyfriend

[Akira K.]

I'm 21 years old and I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who is 25 yrs old and he's black & I'm native american and my parents won't let me go visit him. I live in Missouri and he lives in Rochester, NY. I asked last year just before my birthday (before I turned 21) and my mom said no because the plane tickets were to costly at the time and just now I did a lot of price checks and plane tickets are extremely cheap right now. And awhile back my mom said that she doesn't really trust my boyfriend even though he came to visit me twice; first time he stayed in a hotel a few miles down the road, and the second time they trusted him enough to stay at my house in an extra room. So it's really confusing. My boyfriend talked to his friend and his friend's grandma has offered to let me stay at her house as she understands my parents feelings about staying at my boyfriends house which is full of guys, but I know them so it's stupid if my parents think that they're all gonna tie me up and rape me or something stupid like that. And I told them that but then they're like, we don't know them blah blah blah. And me & my boyfriend even said we'd hook my parents up with the grandma on Skype or on a phonecall so they can talk it out, but noooooo. And geez. It's soo confusing. Now that I know that plane tickets are cheap, I feel like I need to go see him like next month because I miss him too much, but I don't even know how the heck to start up a conversation with my parents. I'm 21, so I'm pretty much completely legal, I can do whatever I want really. But at the same time, I don't want to make them mad by just doing whatever I want when I want, because I try to be respectful as I still live under their roof and abide by their rules. And I'm kind of the "good girl" type. I've never done anything bad, never drank, never did drugs or any of that lame stuff, so whats the problemo here? Oh & my mom's annoying friend keeps telling my mom BS stories about how I'm just going to run away or come back pregnant with his baby and I just want to smash her face in for being an ignorant woman. -.-; So any advice on how to ask or convince my parents to let me go see my boyfriend? It's a drag sometimes. T_T

[ccsmod1]

RE: 21& Parents won't let me visit boyfriend

Hello,

Thank you for contacting us at the National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you are having a hard time with your parents right now. It must be frustrating to be told that you cannot visit your boyfriend. Since you are 21, you are above the age of majority. This means that you are an adult in the eyes of the law, and your parents have no legal right to keep you from going to visit your boyfriend if you buy your own plane ticket. It sounds like you are feeling confused and frustrated by your parent’s behavior. You said that you don’t want to make them mad while you still live under their roof. That must put you in a difficult position. While your parents no longer have a legal right to tell you what to do, you live with them and you are still trying to figure out how your adult relationship with them will work. That sounds very challenging.

Have you ever tried to tell your parents about how you feel? You said that you were feeling confused by their rules and lack of trust. Maybe it would be helpful if you told them how their behavior and the behavior of your mother’s friend makes you feel. That could open up a conversation about visiting your boyfriend.

If you would like to talk about this some more, you can always give us a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY, 24/7. You can also reach us through our live chat service between 4:30 and 11:30pm Central Time. The National Runaway Safeline is always anonymous and confidential. We can help you think about ways to start a conversation with your parents and offer you any resources you might need. We are looking forward to talking with you!

Best of luck,

NRS

[Unregistered]

My parents won't let me see my boyfriend

Hi my parents won't let me see my boyfriend and I'm 18 I'm just confused why they won't let me see him .I feel like I'm ready to runaway from home they don't let me get a breather without the am being on my back 24/7 I just need help with my problems

[ccsmod0]

re: My parents won't let me see my boyfriend

Hi there,

Thanks for reaching out this morning. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot with your parents right now. It makes a lot of sense that you’re looking for some independence. It can be difficult because you are an adult and you are working on making your own decisions for your life, but your parents aren’t allowing you to do that. That can be really frustrating. It’s smart of you to reach out for some guidance on this. Let’s see how we can help you out.

So here’s some general legal information. Because you are 18, you are now considered a legal adult. That means you gain the right to decide where you want to live. We tell you this information because it might be helpful. Everyone needs a break once in a while and it seems like you’re at that point now. If you wanted to leave for an afternoon or for a weekend – you have the legal right to do that. Now, thinking through what consequences you would face if you went home might be a good idea too.

It sounds like there’s a lot of confusion in your home and you’re trying to figure out how to be independent while still living with your parents. Any conflict that comes up between you and your parents might be based in misunderstanding. If you don’t know why they are saying something or why some rule exists, it can be really helpful to ask about it and share your confusion with them. If they don’t know that you’re confused (and if you don’t know that they are confused), then it can be really difficult to get on the same page with things. Communicating calmly and clearly can be a way to make that happen.

We know that this won’t solve all the issues that you’re facing – but it might begin to help make things better. We hope that this is a helpful start. We’d like to talk more with you about all this and we’re here to support you in any way that we can. If you’d like to talk more, please call or chat with us. You can call us 24 hours a day at 1800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or chat with us through our website (www.1800runaway.org) from 4.30pm-11.30pm central time.

We look forward to your call or chat.

Best of luck to you,

NRS

[Guest]

Hello, I am a 19 year old and I am dating my online boyfriend. We met online back in August 2016 and started dating in mid November 2016. We are about to hit 6 months and we want to meet each other in real life so we can take the next step in our online relationship. So he lives in Texas and I live in Florida and we both agreed I would fly to him, with him paying for my ticket so I can head over.

However, my parents don't like this idea.... at all.

They both think online dating is a waste of time and just a raping waiting to happen. They also believe I am not ready to travel to another state alone to meet online friends and boyfriend, yet I am 19 turning 20. I was sheltered when raised and I think it's to the point that everyone in my family has this mentality that I am the intelligent good little girl, always doing what she is told and will be successful in life, this little angel. However, this also makes them see me as their little girl and will panic whenever I decide to do something like this. I never spoke up before about these things or would drop it since I didn't want to hurt them but I want to start making my own decisions, and big ones too, and I feel if I don't start now I will never be able to escape this.

My boyfriend and I are taking advantage of how his roommate is leaving so it can be us at his apartment and we want to have time to ourselves so we can better know each other before he comes to Florida. I don't want him coming here because it will cost more money, we'd have to sleep at a hotel and pay for food, and my family will no doubt bother him and not give us the time we want. Not only that, but my family doesn't have he best history and I am not ready for him to be near them. At All.

We've spent these months texting in a server of ours, talking on the phone, sending pics to each other, and even skyping one another. I know he isn't a psycho but my parents refuse to listen, but I refuse to back down on my plans. I need to show them that I can handle myself in the real world, especially if I plan on moving out of state in the future permanently. Florida is too toxic for me, too many bad memories, but I won't ever escape it if I don't make this move.

Please help, is there any advice you can give, I would appreciate it so much.

[ccsmod15]

Hello,

Thank you for reaching out to us. We’re so sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a hard time with your family. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have worked hard in planning your first meeting and your family has expressed some concerns. We can’t tell you what to do, but we can share some information that might be helpful in approaching your situation.

In your message, you talk about your parents expressing some doubts about whether online dating is worth the time you’ve invested, as well as concerns that you’d be in harm’s way if you flew out to meet your boyfriend on your own. It’s clear from your message that this trip is important to you, not only because it’s an opportunity to really get to know your boyfriend in person, but to demonstrate that you are a responsible adult and can keep yourself safe. Perhaps it would help to think of ways you might address their concerns. If they’re concerned that something might happen to you while you’re away, discussing check-in calls or setting up a day to Skype with them will help them see you’re ok. It’s great that you and your boyfriend have worked to make this trip a possibility, and it sounds like you feel you’ve gotten to know your boyfriend well and you’re comfortable with your plan. With that said, it is a good idea to set up a check in, even if it’s not with your parents. Perhaps a close friend would be open to keeping in touch with you while you’re away. Letting someone know exactly where you’ll be staying and making sure you check in throughout the course of your trip is a good way to stay safe while still exercising your autonomy.

We realize that you’re in a tough position, reaching a point in your relationship where you want to meet in person as well as having to navigate your role as an adult with your parents. Please know that we are here for you and we will support you in whatever you decide to do. We won’t tell you what to do, but we will do our best to help you stay as safe as possible. We wish you the best of luck. Stay safe!

-NRS

[Guest]

Hey, I am 18 years old and my dad won’t let me see my boyfriend. He told me that I can do whatever I want, but I would have to be home at curfew. Then, he tells me that if I’m seen hanging out with him it’s not something he’ll forgive and move on. It’s confusing. My dad later on tells me that I won’t have a dad anymore once I find out that he’s the wrong guy for me. Like who says that to your own child? My boyfriend has never given me a reason not to be with him or has ever made me feel like I’m not good enough. He truly makes me happy. Happier than I’ve ever been and my dad doesn’t seem to see or understand that. It’s frustrating. I love my dad more than anything and I’ll always have his back, but he wants me to break up with him and that’s not something I can just do. I can’t break up with him because if I did I would truly be unhappy then. I would be unhappy because I would’ve broke off a relationship that didn’t need to be broken off. I would’ve done it for someone else’s needs and not my own. It’s hard.. it truly is and I just don’t know how to tell him that I’m going to stay with my boyfriend until I feel like I need to end it. And not for his needs. I don’t want him to think I’m choosing my boyfriend over him either, but what I’ve come to realize is that he isn’t the controller of my life. I can’t help who I fall in love with and I can’t help that the person I did fall in love with doesn’t fall under his standards of a “perfect” guy. But he’s perfect to me. I’ve been with him for almost 2 years now and I still feel the same way I felt when I first met him. I’ve been we had one bad feeling about him and still don’t. So it’s hard when your dad doesn’t approve of your relationship because it’s every daughters dream to have their dads like their boyfriends. So when they don’t it makes you feel like you’re turning your back on your parents just because you’re choosing to stay with a person that makes you unbelievably happy. So, I’m asking you, how do I tell my dad?

[ccsmod10]

Hi,

Sorry to hear that you’re having such a tough time. It sounds like you really care about both your dad and your boyfriend. It certainly can be frustrating if your dad is making you choose between such important people in your life. Unfortunately, we are non-directive at NRS and cannot give out advice.

From what you mentioned, your dad hasn’t been very open-minded about you and your boyfriend’s relationship. Have you tried having a third party help you speak to your dad? Sometimes someone like a relative, or adult family friend can help make those conversations stay calmer and let both sides be heard. NRS offers a conference calling service, between youth and parents. If you needed us to help facilitate a conversation between you and your dad, we can definitely do that.

If you want to talk more, you can always reach out to us at 1-800-RUNAWAY to brainstorm more options. We’re open 24x7.
Best of luck

[Guest]

I just turned 21 and live is a psychiatric facility. I want to go and visit my boyfriend who lives in Kentucky and I'm saving up to see him but I want my moms blessing and don't want to be on her bad side. I want everybody to be happy but that's my downfall Always.

[ccsmod0]

Hello, thank you for taking the time to write to us here at the National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you care about your boyfriend very much and would like to go and visit him. You mentioned that you want to have your mothers blessing before going. Have you tried talking to her about this plan? If you would like we can host a conference call between you and your mother. We would serve as mediators, we are not here to necessarily choose sides but rather help come up with a solution that would make the situation at home better. This might be helpful to you if you have concerns about your mother not listening or not being open to hear what you have to say. If you feel like this is a service that you would find useful you can give us a call and one of our trained liner will be happy to assist you. The choice is up to you, we can still always just talk to you about your options.
We wish you the best of luck,
NRS

[Guest]

Hello, I'm 20 years old, and I've been dating my boydriend for almost a year. We met online and we finally met each other 6 months ago when he came to visit me. I have been planning to go visit him for the past year but I have a problem; my parents are extremely agaisnt it. They are scared that something might happen to me while I'm there but they don't want to admit it. Every time I ask them why they will just say "just because", and they call me selfish for getting in this relationship in the first place.They critize me for dating him, because he is white and they don't like his appearance. I've met my boyfriend's parents before, and I trust him a lot. I am sure I will be completely safe during my visit, but they won't listen.

I made a promise to my boyfriend that I would visit during christmas eve. I was tired of waiting, to get my parents aproval but I knew that wouldn't happen. Since I am going anyways I decided that I would get the tickets, while they were still cheap without telling them. All I have to do now is to tell them, but I am not sure how they will react. I don't know what to do. Am I making the right choice or should I obey them? Am I being selfish for doing what I want to do?

[ccsmod10]

Hi there, thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you are in a tricky situation. We are here to see how we can help you out.

It sounds like you got a ticket to see your boyfriend for Christmas Eve, but are worried about telling your parents because you are not sure how they will react. We here at the National Runaway Safeline are non-directive, meaning we won’t tell you if you are making the right decision or if you are being selfish, but we can help support you through this decision and how to talk with your parents. One service we have here is conference calling with youth and their families. If you were interested, we could hold a call with you and your parents together for you to tell them you bought a ticket to see your boyfriend with someone there to mediate the conversation and help you feel heard.

Another option some people find helpful is writing your parents a letter explaining how you feel about visiting your boyfriend and that you bought a ticket to see him. This may be an opportunity to take time to get all of your thoughts down before speaking to them.

Feel free to give us a call if you want to talk about some of these options. Good luck!

[Guest]

I am 20 years old and Im still not allowed to go to my boyfriend's house even though Im an adult and I have the rights to decide but my parents doesn't even care if Im an adult... I just feel safe when Im with my boyfriend because he makes me feel safe and I always want to spend the night at his house but my parents keep saying no for not letting me go to my boyfriend's house.

[ccsmod1]

Hi there,

Thank you for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline. We are here 24/7 to listen and to support.

We're sorry to hear that you are butting heads with your parents but glad that you have a boyfriend that is there for you. Because you are over 18 you are legally able to leave your home without fear that your parents will file a runaway report. If you want to look into alternative housing so that you are not living in your parents house anymore, we can provide you with resources. Don't hesitate to give us a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). We also have a conference call service where a liner could mediate a conversation between you and your parents so that you could discuss your feelings and hopefully come to a resolution. Let us know if that is something you would be interested in.

Good luck,

NRS

[Guest]

Hi, I am 21 years old and have been dating my long distance boyfriend for about 4 months and I want to visit him. The problem is that he lives in another state. I asked my mom to go visit him, but she doesn't want me to because she is afraid something could happen. She says she doesn't want me to go because she has never met him and doesn't know anything about him. Also, she doesn't want me to be stranded if he doesn't show up. But I want to go see him for a weekend next month. I would stay in a hotel and he would drive me around everywhere. I understand but at the same time I want to meet him in person first before introducing him to her to make sure I think she would approve.

[ccsmod4]

Reply: Hi, I am 21 years old

Hi there,
Thank you for writing to us here at National Runaway Safeline (NRS).

We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on.
We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time.
It sounds like you and your mother have had some discussions on you going to another state to visit your boyfriend. It also sounds like you this will be the first time you meet face to face.
It’s good that you have a plan for lodging and it would be nice if you had enough money in case of emergency. Maybe you might consider speaking with him about a formal introduction to your mother.

Perhaps if she had more information about your boyfriend she would feel somewhat more at ease. Safety is important.
If you would like to talk more in detail and share more about how we can help specifically, please call or chat soon.

Our contact information is 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929); www.1800runaway.org (click on the chat button).

We hope that this information is helpful to you! We’d love to hear what you think about your experience with the National Runaway Safeline (NRS).
If you have a moment, please click the link below our signature line to fill out a quick survey.

Take care,
NRS

[Guest]

Hi there. I want to spend the night after a date with my boyfriend but I don’t know how to bring it up to my parents. They think it’s a date with just a guy and want to know what time I’ll be back and blah blah blah. It’s really frustrating because I’m 20 and legally an adult. But I’m still living at home. I really love this guy and feel safe with him. I’m also planning a trip with him, but think it’s safetest to say I’m going all by myself. I wish I could tell my parents, but I feel like they would say no. But yet again, I’m an adult. I also really want to start doing my own thing and being my own individual, but it’s hard when you have controlling parents still under their roof. I would leave, but where I am it’s too expensive to live on your own. Please help.

[ccsmod1]

Thank you for contacting us at the National Runaway Safeline.

We are sorry to hear about what has been going on and want you to know that you deserve to feel safe and happy in your home. It can be hard to move out when you feel that you don't have any support to do so. Some options you could consider would be programs like Job Corps and AmeriCorps. They are programs for young adults where you are provided food and housing and they also help you develop life skills and build your resume with work experience. You can look more into their programs at https://www.jobcorps.gov/ and https://www.nationalservice.gov/programs/americorps.

Another option would be looking into transitional housing. Transitional Living Programs (TLP'S) often provide things like housing, employment aid and counseling for young adults. You would want to contact them and inquire about their services and their openings. If you give us a call we could look up ones in your area. Don't hesitate to give us a call at 1-800-786-2929 if you want to walk through these options or want to think about other ways to make your situation better.

Best,

NRS

[Guest]

Hey, Im 17 years old and Im dating someone across the country that used to live where I live until he moved last year. My parents knew about him while we were together in the same state and continued to know about him while we are together but in a long distance relationship. I want to go visit him but I’m scared to ask or even mention it to my parents since they are really strict and I am underage. I will be 18 in a 3 months but I want to go surprise him at one of his football games and will still be 17 during that. I have the money to buy my own plane ticket with my money but I’m not sure if I should do it. I understand telling or at least mentioning it to my parents and talking about it will help but I’m positive they won’t let me go. They don’t approve of me having a boyfriend because I’m too young according to them. Him and I haven’t been at the best spot because we haven’t seen each other in a year. We both need to see each other. I’m not sure what to do, I don’t want to lie to my parents but I really do need to see him. And I simply don’t know what to do at this point, I’m pretty desperate. Please guide me.. thank you so much

[ccsmod11]

Hey there,

Thanks for reaching out to us here at the National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We are happy to help in any way we can.
It must be really tough to be in a relationship with someone you haven’t seen in a year! That is very nice that you want to surprise him by supporting him at a football game. You mentioned that you haven’t discussed it with your parents, but you’re positive that they won’t be on board for the visit. If you do decide to have that conversation with them, sometimes it is easier to not have to do it alone. If you have another family member or close friend who is close to both you and your parents, perhaps they could sit in with you while you have it so that you have a neutral person there to keep the conversation productive for both “sides”. We offer a conference calling service here at NRS as well. You would call in here at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929), talk about what’s going on, and then we would call out to your parents, have a brief discussion with them, and then join the call. We stay on the line as a neutral party, there to keep the conversation positive and compromise-driven.

You mentioned that you have the money to buy your ticket, but you’re just not sure what to do. While we wish there would be an easy answer, sometimes a good way to come to your decision is by gathering all of the facts and then weighing it from there. If you decide to go without telling your parents, there is a possibility that they will report you as a runaway. We are not legal experts, but from our understanding, it is not illegal to run away; it’s something you simply cannot do because of your age, considered a “status offense”. So if your parents do report you to the police, their main goal would be to find you and then return you home.

Sometimes people in your situation who do choose to go somewhere without receiving parental permission decide to leave a note. This way, if you go, your parents will not think that you are missing and know that you intend to come back. This may also divert them from making a police report, but that is not something we can say for certain! You know your parents the best, so you can perhaps weigh what their reactions would be in each situation.

If you want to talk through your thoughts or potential plans any further, feel free to give us a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). Sometimes it helps to even talk through your thoughts and develop a few potential courses of action. We’re here to listen, here to help.

Best of luck,
NRS