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21 & Parents won't let me visit boyfriend

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  • ccsmod2
    commented on Guest's reply
    Hello There,
    Thank you so much for reaching out to The National Runaway Safeline and sharing your story with us. It sounds like you are going through a tough situation. It is difficult to be at a legal age to do what you want but still have your parents telling you can’t otherwise they will not pay for your tuition.
    We are not legal experts but we do have general information on the laws. It is legal for you to leave without their permission. But it seems if you do leave you would have some consequences. You would need to decide if you left would it be worth it to drop out of school. One option to consider is having your boyfriend come visit you and maybe stay somewhere else if his finances allow that. Or you could consider waiting until you are finished with school. Or you could consider talking with your parents and coming to a compromise. At NRS we offer conference calling where if you call us we can call out to your parents. Conference calling allows you to be heard and we are there to mediate the conversation and provide support to you.
    We hope this information will be helpful to you in your situation. If you have any other questions or would like to explore options please give us a call. We are here 24/7 to listen and provide support. We wish you the best of luck!
    NRS

  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Hello, I am 20 years old and want to travel out to another country to visit this guy I have been dating for two years. My parents have let him visit twice and stay over at my place but ever since there were rough patches between him and I, my parents don't like him and want me to stop seeing him. However, I feel like they honestly don't know what's going and I feel that if I open up to them, they will just push their opinion on to me and not listen.

    I bought my plane ticket and planned to travel out to see him secretly but my mom found out and has blackmailed me(?) If I go, she will stop paying for my university. First of all, we wouldn't be in that situation if she allowed me to live under my dad's taxes. I would be receiving more aid and have less loans but she won't do it. So instead, my mom and dad have to pay out of pocket, even though my dad argued against this. I feel like it's not fair and it's so difficult to live in a household where I'm told I received everything I needed but why do I feel so trapped? I want to run away and see him. I paid for my own ticket but if I do see him, I have to quit school? I want to go badly, I want to leave and not feel suffocated for a bit.

    I don't know what to think about the situation. Please tell me what is best because I feel like my parents just want me to stay a child forever. I feel like I can't grow up and make my own choices and if I do, I get bullied into acting like a child again.

    Leave a comment:


  • ccsmod6
    commented on Guest's reply
    Hello and thank you for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline. We’re sorry to hear that your dad is treating you in a way that makes you so miserable. It is understandable that you would want to leave that kind of environment. The best approach to seeing your mom would probably be reaching out to her and talking to her. It sounds like your dad is restricting your ability to do that so maybe you could reach out to your mom over email, social media, or phone if those are possibilities. You can also give us a call or chat us if you need help brainstorming other ways to try and get in contact with her. If you are interested in having that conversation, we are available 24/7 at 1-800-786-2929 or 1800runaway.org.

    Take care,
    NRS

  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Hi, im 16 years old about to be 17 I do virtual school so im not in public school but im always not doing good in school and my dad is always yelling at me and it makes me cry all the time. I live with my dad and stepmom and my two little brothers and im so miserable and i just want to go live with my mom. My dad put me on punishment right now so i havent seen my mom in about a month and i just want to go see her. I need to get away.

    Leave a comment:


  • ccsmod15
    commented on Guest's reply
    Hi, thanks for reaching out. It sounds like you are in a very stressful situation, juggling a long distance relationship, nursing school, and helping around the house. On top of all of that, your family is not supportive of your new relationship and is saying hurtful things. It makes sense to want to get away! This must be taking quite a toll on you.

    You mentioned you are 19. We are not legal experts, but 19 is considered legally an adult in most states. This means you could leave home if you wanted to. You also mentioned not being able to work extra now, which is understandable with school and everything else going on. Perhaps living with your boyfriend is an option? You may also look into low-income housing. HUD.gov (202-708-1112) has some options for that. There is also what is called Transitional Living Programs in many areas. Typically, these programs help you learn life skills while you work and go to school. Some may be like dorm living where you live with other people, while others you have your own apartment but with support staff like case managers, housing specialists, education help, etc. Your college may also have information for low-income students for housing resources.

    If you are interested in transitional living in your area, call or chat with us anytime. We are here 24/7 and can best help directly in looking up resources when we know your city and state.

    Thank you again for reaching out. We are here to listen and support you! Call or chat anytime!

  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 3 months now. I met him on a dating app, we’ve met in person multiple times (with my parents permission of course) and everything has been smooth sailing with him! I’m 19 and he’s 21. After dates, we mostly go back to his house to talk with his family and watch some TV. Here’s where the problem lies: my mom HATES this. She gets extremely defensive and says “why doesn’t he come here?” And says how I’m his puppet. Listen, I know what it’s like to be someone’s puppet.
    My last relationship I basically was that, and verbally abusive. I know the signs and would never ever ever ever let that happen to me again. My boyfriend right now is honestly way better and nowhere near what my ex ever was.
    I have had him come over a few times in the past, but my house is so chaotic that we don’t really get any kind of privacy for us because I’m usually being asked to help with this or that. When I’m not asked to help, I’d feel obligated and have to leave my boyfriend behind to help out. I am a sophomore in college and still live at home so I feel like I have to be in my best behavior almost in order to not tick my parents off to the point of them kicking me out.
    I enjoy being able to go to his house, even though he lives 40 minutes away roughly. It’s a slight hike, but it’s an escape from home at this point. The last time I came back from his house, my parents were clearly annoyed with me because I was over his house and was home at 10:30pm (because the drive was so long). I don’t mind the drive at all. I think of it as a way to relax and to also learn new routes around the state that I’ve never taken before. They even said to me you might as well go back to his house and stay there then. I was like are you for real??
    I feel like I can’t even tell my parents anything about him or our relationship. It’s bad enough when I had to tell my mom what my ex had done to me, she made the assumption that I was gonna sleep with every guy I talked to. I’m 19. I’m not a child anymore! I get where she comes from because I’m her only daughter and the only child without a disability and she doesn’t want anything to happen to me (I didn’t mean that in any offensive way, I have a younger brother who is special needs and that’s all. It’s just me and him).
    I wish I could run away or be in my own place but I just had to buy my own car (which is a whole other story) and I just had to cut back on my jobs because I have to buckle down for this semester of college. So working extra right now isn’t really an option. Plus once I start the nursing classes (because I’m going to school for nursing) they told us to not be working at all because of how tough classes are. If I had the funds to move the heck out into an apartment, I seriously would because it’s getting ridiculous.
    Like this morning we (my mom and I) got into an argument because I was going to his house today and she didn’t like the idea. I’m at my wits end. How can I get her to stop thinking that it’s such a horrible thing to do that??

    Leave a comment:


  • ccsmod1
    commented on Guest's reply
    Hey there,

    Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing a little bit about what's going on. We know that it takes a lot of courage. It sounds really frustrating to have your parents control your activities and plans despite being an adult. You mentioned that you are worried that your parents will contact the police if you were to leave home. We aren't legal experts here at NRS, but since you are over the age of 18 you can leave home whenever you wish with no legal repercussions. Your parents could contact the police to conduct a wellness check but if the police located you they would not make you leave, only confirm that you are safe. It sounds like you and your parents care about each other a great deal and past traumatic events have placed a lasting strain on your family dynamic. It may be a good idea to talk to your parents about family counseling or reaching out to a trusted friend or family member to help mediate a conversation so you can communicate your thoughts and feelings with your parents.

    Be safe,
    NRS

  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Me and my long distance boyfriend have been dating for 4 years and we're finally ready to meet sometime this summer, but because of a tragic family event that happened 7 years ago, I fear my family will never accept me having a LDR relationship.
    When I was 16, a family member who lived in our house started to talk to minors online and in a few months time ended up being arrested for flying out to another state to intentionally meet a minor. It was a sting operation, but he was discovered to be talking to at least one real minor that was the nail in the coffin to get him locked up for years. In fact he's still in jail and we have no idea when he's getting out. And so because of him, my mom became parinoid about the Internet. The first thing she told me the night he got arrested was, "The computer is bad. The computer is bad."
    Back then I had just started my first relationship with someone a year younger than me basically that same month. It was a LDR so we texted a lot. Back then I had a slider phone so there was no passcode or lock. A few months later when I was taking a nap in another room, my mom went into my room and looked into my phone. I remember how loud she slammed the door open, waking me up startled and asking, "Who is ******?" Even though we were the same age, she was scared for my safety. She was scared I was talking to older men like that girl. She was only trying to look out for me but at the time she was stricken with paranoia and had to be the one to hear about everything my family member did via the lawyers to help him. She was so upset she wanted me to cut all ties with him. I had to lie we stopped talking in order to put her mind at ease. We eventually broke up a few years later.
    Now I'm 22, and my current boyfriend is 27. He lives 4 hours away but it's still a very long trip and he's never been to my state before. I just want to have one weekend with him, but because of how my mother reacted to my last relationship, I'm too scared to tell her I have a boyfriend. Granted, her deminor has changed a lot since then. She was more prone to anger back then, but now she's piled with a billion other problems that she's become more tired and less strict. But that still doesn't mean she won't be shocked and scared if I tell her I have an older boyfriend. I already have a cover story set, saying we met at a concert and talked online after that, but I don't want to tell her all that until I do meet my boyfriend. If I tell her before he comes over, I fear she'll get my dad involved and they'll hover the whole weekend. 4 years of being together and then your mom, or even worse your mom AND dad ready to dial 911 at any minute is a nightmare. By the way, in all this mess, did I mention how my parents view me?
    My mom knows I'm 22, but she sees and treats me as a 15 year old. My dad probably thinks I'm 20 but sees me as a 13 year old. My mom still thinks I'm a child and my dad wants to keep me a child. My dad doesn't like it when I have the very rare plan to spend the weekend with what few friends I have because the weekend are "his" days. My mom lets me go on little trips with my friends but she misses me a lot during them. I feel like the only time I can make up a valid excuse to be away for a few days is to meet my bf on the weekend since that's the only time I do hang with friends.
    Because of all the stress and sheltering, I don't have the confidence to drive a car, but I do have my license. I do wish I could just drive somewhere to meet him but just thinking about it makes me sweat.
    I want to tell my mom, but I'm so scared I'll break her heart if she finds out I have a bf, like her little girl is growing up into relationships, even though I'm not a little girl. I can't wait to crash down on my dad that I have a bf, but I do fear he'll be mad because there's a guy that's going to be holding my hand/"stealing" his time with me. The thing about my mom though is that she did recently say I was allowed to date, but "I just don't know who deserves you". My mom wants me to try and focus on continuing college but I have no idea what I want to do. If I introduce my boyfriend now, my mom and especially my dad will use him as an excuse to push for education and drop the relationship. I fear and kind of know he's not the kind of person they'd want me to be dedicated to. He's soft spoken, very nice and relaxed, but he's not a go getter I guess? I think they'd want me to be with someone who is more outgoing and confident while our relationship is more quiet and calm.
    In the end of all this mess, I just want to meet him for the weekend, but I feel like no one can help me without me going behind my parents back and using my friends as an excuse. I'm too scared to ask the two friends I trust. One I'm not even that close to and the other seems too busy to help. Plus they don't seem interested. I don't push them because they're actually younger than me and I fear they see me as pathetic to be this old and have no way to easily and safely meet up with their bf. I don't know what to do.

    Leave a comment:


  • ccsmod7
    commented on Guest's reply
    Thanks so much for reaching out. It makes sense that you’d be upset you don’t get to see your boyfriend very often, and it sounds like you’re feeling pretty anxious about the future of the relationship and frustrated with your family.

    It sounds like you have tried talking to your parents about how you’re feeling and they didn’t want to listen. Sometimes it can be helpful to communicate in a written letter or email instead of in person. It can also help to have a third party, like a counselor or another family member, help mediate the conversation. At NRS, we have a free conference call service where a volunteer mediates a call between a youth and their parents to make sure the discussion is calm and everyone gets a chance to be heard. If you’d like to learn more or give it a try, we are available 24/7 at 1-800-786-2929.

    If transportation is the issue, maybe you could think about getting a part-time job to save up enough money to take public transportation or cabs/Ubers to see your boyfriend. Or maybe his parents or friends would be willing to drive him to see you more often. However, relationships can end for lots of different reasons, and unfortunately you may not be able to control the outcome.

    Something to keep in mind is that it is important to have a strong support network of different people you can go to when you’re having a hard time. You mentioned that your boyfriend was one of your only friends, which can put a lot of pressure on the relationship. No matter what happens between you and your boyfriend, you deserve to have people in your life who care about you and support you. Finding ways to make friends, like joining clubs or activities at school, might help you feel less anxious.

    We are here for you 24/7 at 1-800-786-2929 if you’d like to talk more about the situation or brainstorm some other options.

  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Hello. I am 16 years old and I have a boyfriend who is 17 but turning 18 later on in the year. I use to be able to see him every single day and everything use to be perfect because we are like best friends and he helps me through things and I truly love him and he loves me back as well and we use to see each other a lot during the beginning of summer but my mom started to get mad at me for seeing him too much so she stopped letting me. Part of this is because she’s extremely lazy to take me to his house and my family says that I’m too deep in love and everything but they never try to talk to me about how I feel about him or with any other problems and when I try to then they’ll get mad at me and shame me. It gotten so bad that I couldn’t see him as much anymore but sometimes one every one week or three or two and sometimes I wouldn’t see him for a month. My boyfriend is getting very impatient and it’s starting to really bring him down that he can’t see me everyday anymore or at least way more than them he amount that I normally get to see him. It’s even harder now because he now haves a job and trying to get a car and he doesn’t have a set schedule. Is there any type of way where I can convince my mom or someone if I can see him way more? Or at least me trying to find a way to see him myself. He graduated early so i can’t see him during school anymore. I really want to run away because he is my literally the only person and he’s my best friend and everything to me and who I talk to and they even trust him and love him. We’ve been together longer for a year and I don’t want it to get bad to the point that he’ll get very down and leave. Can someone please help me.. and is there a way that I can convince him to wait for me just a little longer for I can find a way for us to see each other more. He doesn’t have his license yet because he recently moved down here a couple years ago and didn’t know that he could’ve been gotten his license at 16 and I am studying for my permit. I am a very good child and I don’t go nowhere or get to do anything but just stay home and go to school and wait for him to get off work.. someone please help us.. I really love and and want to find a solution for us seeing each other more before it’s too late

    Leave a comment:


  • ccsmod4
    replied
    Reply: I want to go and see one of my friends

    Hello,
    Thank you for writing to us here at the National Runaway Safeline.

    We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on. It sounds like there has been some big differences between you and your mother about freedom of choice about visiting friends and a boyfriend. We understand the difficulty of your situation ad how frustrating it has become for you. Sometimes things become overwhelming due to a lack of communication and understanding. It sounds like you would like for her to listen and trust that you can be responsible.
    Perhaps you might consider having friends visit you from time to time in an effort to let your mother get to know them. Another might be to bring your mom and aunt together to come up with a supervision policy when you visit. NRS is here to listen and here to help. Often, having a safe space to share how you’re feeling may bring a variety of solutions previously not thought of. If you would like to speak more about your situation and explore options, please contact us at 1-800-Runaway (786-2929) or www.1800runaway.org

    You did a good job reaching out today. We hope that things change for the better.

    Take care,
    NRS

    We hope this response was helpful! We’d love to hear from you about your experience using our crisis email/forum. Your feedback plays an important role in helping us improve our services to youth and families. Please click the link to fill out our survey: Your Opinion Matters to Us

    Leave a comment:


  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied

    I want to go and see one of my friends that I have a while not seeing and I want to go where my aunt lives so we could hang out and talk about everything that has been going so far in our lives and all the good things and bad things that have happened to us. I just want to go chill with him and play basketball but my mom doesn’t want to take me because she thinks I am going to go see my boyfriend. But I told her I wasn’t. She also doesn’t want to let me go because she thinks that I will see him and be with him. I don’t understand why my mom doesn’t want me to go. I also don’t understand what she got with my boyfriend she already met him and his mom but she still won’t let me go. Sometimes I feel so bad because I really want to see him because I miss him but I can’t. I can’t even see him at school because he doesn’t go to the school I go to. I just wish I could understand what a going on but I just don’t understand. She also very mad at me because I have more guys that I hang out with than girls. And I always tell her that guys are just so funny I know girls are are to but boys are just idk but they have more Experience with life and with sports. I just want my parents to understand me and to understand the things I like doing that’s all. I won’t lie but I always tell my mom that if she prefers me telling her if she lets me go than ditching class to hang out with my friends because I know she won’t let me. I know I have done it in the past but I learned that that’s not the way to do it. So I try doing things the right way but she always says no because they are guys even if they are the dame she as me. I have a step dad and I told him if I could go and see my friend and he said yes and he told me to tell my mom if she could take me but she was like no. She said why don’t they come here instead of u going and I was like well right here there is nothing to play and over there u could play volleyball or basketball or whatever u want. But no she doesn’t let me. I just want to have more free time for me and I like hanging out with them because they tell me there stories and I tell them mines and they help me out like I do to. I always try to be honest with my mom but I just don’t understand her. Sometimes I wish she could understand me and understand that we are all different in our own way and love doing things that we like and like hanging with the people we want to. I just hope and wish they could give me my space and not always be on top of me about everything because I get stress with everything and how much she is always telling me this and that and doesn’t let me be who I want to be or do what I want to do. I know she is trying to protect me but there are times it’s too much and I can’t anymore. Sometimes I feel like running away just to not be with her but I also love her and care for her. But she really doesn’t understand me I just wish she did. I am 16 years old and I live in LA I really hope u guys could help me out and tell me what to do because I don’t know what to do sometimes k don’t want to get home from school because we are always arguing because she doesn’t want me to see my bf.
    Last edited by ccsmod4; 05-11-2019, 02:41 AM.

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  • ccsmod9
    commented on Guest's reply
    Since you are 18 you are more than likely considered a legal adult which means that you can move out if you want to and you won’t be considered a runaway. As a legal adult, you have a right to make your own decisions about where you live. We can help you make a plan for how to deal with your situation and help you find resources to land on your feet. Having a plan for where you will live and how you will survive once you move out can be very helpful. Moving can be a huge step, and you don’t have to be alone. Some steps you can take towards independence might be to find employment if you don’t have an income, or to save up money for moving expenses. It can also be helpful to research rents in your area, find a roommate, or make a budget. Another thing you might want to consider is what kinds of things you depend on your parents for currently such as tuition expenses for school, or health insurance, and whether they would continue to provide those things after you leave. There may be social service agencies in your area that can help meet some of these needs, such as Transitional Living Programs, a kind of shelter where young adults can live and get services to help them transition to independent living. We are here to listen and help however we can.

  • Guest's Avatar
    Guest replied
    Hi I'm 23 years old me and my best friend been friends for 8 years I ask my parents can I come see my friend they said no I kept begging my parents they keep saying no , my friend has been there for me as always I am old enough to go places and my parents don't understand about it I don't know what to do anymore what can I do to make my parents say yes I tell my friend my parents are strict I keep making excuses about my parents my friend don't understand why I am not allowed to go out any places I am tired of my parents keep controlling me and telling me what to do or cannot do

    Leave a comment:


  • ccsmod11
    commented on Guest's reply
    Hey there,

    Thanks for reaching out to us here at the National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We are happy to help in any way we can.
    It must be really tough to be in a relationship with someone you haven’t seen in a year! That is very nice that you want to surprise him by supporting him at a football game. You mentioned that you haven’t discussed it with your parents, but you’re positive that they won’t be on board for the visit. If you do decide to have that conversation with them, sometimes it is easier to not have to do it alone. If you have another family member or close friend who is close to both you and your parents, perhaps they could sit in with you while you have it so that you have a neutral person there to keep the conversation productive for both “sides”. We offer a conference calling service here at NRS as well. You would call in here at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929), talk about what’s going on, and then we would call out to your parents, have a brief discussion with them, and then join the call. We stay on the line as a neutral party, there to keep the conversation positive and compromise-driven.

    You mentioned that you have the money to buy your ticket, but you’re just not sure what to do. While we wish there would be an easy answer, sometimes a good way to come to your decision is by gathering all of the facts and then weighing it from there. If you decide to go without telling your parents, there is a possibility that they will report you as a runaway. We are not legal experts, but from our understanding, it is not illegal to run away; it’s something you simply cannot do because of your age, considered a “status offense”. So if your parents do report you to the police, their main goal would be to find you and then return you home.

    Sometimes people in your situation who do choose to go somewhere without receiving parental permission decide to leave a note. This way, if you go, your parents will not think that you are missing and know that you intend to come back. This may also divert them from making a police report, but that is not something we can say for certain! You know your parents the best, so you can perhaps weigh what their reactions would be in each situation.

    If you want to talk through your thoughts or potential plans any further, feel free to give us a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929). Sometimes it helps to even talk through your thoughts and develop a few potential courses of action. We’re here to listen, here to help.

    Best of luck,
    NRS
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