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  • 21 & Parents won't let me visit boyfriend

    I'm 21 years old and I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who is 25 yrs old and he's black & I'm native american and my parents won't let me go visit him. I live in Missouri and he lives in Rochester, NY. I asked last year just before my birthday (before I turned 21) and my mom said no because the plane tickets were to costly at the time and just now I did a lot of price checks and plane tickets are extremely cheap right now. And awhile back my mom said that she doesn't really trust my boyfriend even though he came to visit me twice; first time he stayed in a hotel a few miles down the road, and the second time they trusted him enough to stay at my house in an extra room. So it's really confusing. My boyfriend talked to his friend and his friend's grandma has offered to let me stay at her house as she understands my parents feelings about staying at my boyfriends house which is full of guys, but I know them so it's stupid if my parents think that they're all gonna tie me up and rape me or something stupid like that. And I told them that but then they're like, we don't know them blah blah blah. And me & my boyfriend even said we'd hook my parents up with the grandma on Skype or on a phonecall so they can talk it out, but noooooo. And geez. It's soo confusing. Now that I know that plane tickets are cheap, I feel like I need to go see him like next month because I miss him too much, but I don't even know how the heck to start up a conversation with my parents. I'm 21, so I'm pretty much completely legal, I can do whatever I want really. But at the same time, I don't want to make them mad by just doing whatever I want when I want, because I try to be respectful as I still live under their roof and abide by their rules. And I'm kind of the "good girl" type. I've never done anything bad, never drank, never did drugs or any of that lame stuff, so whats the problemo here? Oh & my mom's annoying friend keeps telling my mom BS stories about how I'm just going to run away or come back pregnant with his baby and I just want to smash her face in for being an ignorant woman. -.-; So any advice on how to ask or convince my parents to let me go see my boyfriend? It's a drag sometimes. T_T

  • #2
    RE: 21& Parents won't let me visit boyfriend

    Hello,

    Thank you for contacting us at the National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you are having a hard time with your parents right now. It must be frustrating to be told that you cannot visit your boyfriend. Since you are 21, you are above the age of majority. This means that you are an adult in the eyes of the law, and your parents have no legal right to keep you from going to visit your boyfriend if you buy your own plane ticket. It sounds like you are feeling confused and frustrated by your parent’s behavior. You said that you don’t want to make them mad while you still live under their roof. That must put you in a difficult position. While your parents no longer have a legal right to tell you what to do, you live with them and you are still trying to figure out how your adult relationship with them will work. That sounds very challenging.

    Have you ever tried to tell your parents about how you feel? You said that you were feeling confused by their rules and lack of trust. Maybe it would be helpful if you told them how their behavior and the behavior of your mother’s friend makes you feel. That could open up a conversation about visiting your boyfriend.

    If you would like to talk about this some more, you can always give us a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY, 24/7. You can also reach us through our live chat service between 4:30 and 11:30pm Central Time. The National Runaway Safeline is always anonymous and confidential. We can help you think about ways to start a conversation with your parents and offer you any resources you might need. We are looking forward to talking with you!

    Best of luck,

    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat which is open every day from 4:30p to 11:30p CST and can be accessed here:

    National Runaway Safeline
    info@1800runaway.org (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    Tell us what you think about your experience!
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/we_care_what_you_think

    Comment


    • #3
      My parents won't let me see my boyfriend

      Hi my parents won't let me see my boyfriend and I'm 18 I'm just confused why they won't let me see him .I feel like I'm ready to runaway from home they don't let me get a breather without the am being on my back 24/7 I just need help with my problems

      Comment


      • #4
        re: My parents won't let me see my boyfriend

        Hi there,

        Thanks for reaching out this morning. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot with your parents right now. It makes a lot of sense that you’re looking for some independence. It can be difficult because you are an adult and you are working on making your own decisions for your life, but your parents aren’t allowing you to do that. That can be really frustrating. It’s smart of you to reach out for some guidance on this. Let’s see how we can help you out.

        So here’s some general legal information. Because you are 18, you are now considered a legal adult. That means you gain the right to decide where you want to live. We tell you this information because it might be helpful. Everyone needs a break once in a while and it seems like you’re at that point now. If you wanted to leave for an afternoon or for a weekend – you have the legal right to do that. Now, thinking through what consequences you would face if you went home might be a good idea too.

        It sounds like there’s a lot of confusion in your home and you’re trying to figure out how to be independent while still living with your parents. Any conflict that comes up between you and your parents might be based in misunderstanding. If you don’t know why they are saying something or why some rule exists, it can be really helpful to ask about it and share your confusion with them. If they don’t know that you’re confused (and if you don’t know that they are confused), then it can be really difficult to get on the same page with things. Communicating calmly and clearly can be a way to make that happen.

        We know that this won’t solve all the issues that you’re facing – but it might begin to help make things better. We hope that this is a helpful start. We’d like to talk more with you about all this and we’re here to support you in any way that we can. If you’d like to talk more, please call or chat with us. You can call us 24 hours a day at 1800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or chat with us through our website (www.1800runaway.org) from 4.30pm-11.30pm central time.

        We look forward to your call or chat.

        Best of luck to you,

        NRS

        Comment


        • #5
          Hello, I am a 19 year old and I am dating my online boyfriend. We met online back in August 2016 and started dating in mid November 2016. We are about to hit 6 months and we want to meet each other in real life so we can take the next step in our online relationship. So he lives in Texas and I live in Florida and we both agreed I would fly to him, with him paying for my ticket so I can head over.

          However, my parents don't like this idea.... at all.

          They both think online dating is a waste of time and just a raping waiting to happen. They also believe I am not ready to travel to another state alone to meet online friends and boyfriend, yet I am 19 turning 20. I was sheltered when raised and I think it's to the point that everyone in my family has this mentality that I am the intelligent good little girl, always doing what she is told and will be successful in life, this little angel. However, this also makes them see me as their little girl and will panic whenever I decide to do something like this. I never spoke up before about these things or would drop it since I didn't want to hurt them but I want to start making my own decisions, and big ones too, and I feel if I don't start now I will never be able to escape this.

          My boyfriend and I are taking advantage of how his roommate is leaving so it can be us at his apartment and we want to have time to ourselves so we can better know each other before he comes to Florida. I don't want him coming here because it will cost more money, we'd have to sleep at a hotel and pay for food, and my family will no doubt bother him and not give us the time we want. Not only that, but my family doesn't have he best history and I am not ready for him to be near them. At All.

          We've spent these months texting in a server of ours, talking on the phone, sending pics to each other, and even skyping one another. I know he isn't a psycho but my parents refuse to listen, but I refuse to back down on my plans. I need to show them that I can handle myself in the real world, especially if I plan on moving out of state in the future permanently. Florida is too toxic for me, too many bad memories, but I won't ever escape it if I don't make this move.

          Please help, is there any advice you can give, I would appreciate it so much.

          Comment


          • ccsmod15
            ccsmod15 commented
            Editing a comment
            Hello,

            Thank you for reaching out to us. We’re so sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a hard time with your family. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have worked hard in planning your first meeting and your family has expressed some concerns. We can’t tell you what to do, but we can share some information that might be helpful in approaching your situation.

            In your message, you talk about your parents expressing some doubts about whether online dating is worth the time you’ve invested, as well as concerns that you’d be in harm’s way if you flew out to meet your boyfriend on your own. It’s clear from your message that this trip is important to you, not only because it’s an opportunity to really get to know your boyfriend in person, but to demonstrate that you are a responsible adult and can keep yourself safe. Perhaps it would help to think of ways you might address their concerns. If they’re concerned that something might happen to you while you’re away, discussing check-in calls or setting up a day to Skype with them will help them see you’re ok. It’s great that you and your boyfriend have worked to make this trip a possibility, and it sounds like you feel you’ve gotten to know your boyfriend well and you’re comfortable with your plan. With that said, it is a good idea to set up a check in, even if it’s not with your parents. Perhaps a close friend would be open to keeping in touch with you while you’re away. Letting someone know exactly where you’ll be staying and making sure you check in throughout the course of your trip is a good way to stay safe while still exercising your autonomy.

            We realize that you’re in a tough position, reaching a point in your relationship where you want to meet in person as well as having to navigate your role as an adult with your parents. Please know that we are here for you and we will support you in whatever you decide to do. We won’t tell you what to do, but we will do our best to help you stay as safe as possible. We wish you the best of luck. Stay safe!

            -NRS

        • #6
          Hey, I am 18 years old and my dad won’t let me see my boyfriend. He told me that I can do whatever I want, but I would have to be home at curfew. Then, he tells me that if I’m seen hanging out with him it’s not something he’ll forgive and move on. It’s confusing. My dad later on tells me that I won’t have a dad anymore once I find out that he’s the wrong guy for me. Like who says that to your own child? My boyfriend has never given me a reason not to be with him or has ever made me feel like I’m not good enough. He truly makes me happy. Happier than I’ve ever been and my dad doesn’t seem to see or understand that. It’s frustrating. I love my dad more than anything and I’ll always have his back, but he wants me to break up with him and that’s not something I can just do. I can’t break up with him because if I did I would truly be unhappy then. I would be unhappy because I would’ve broke off a relationship that didn’t need to be broken off. I would’ve done it for someone else’s needs and not my own. It’s hard.. it truly is and I just don’t know how to tell him that I’m going to stay with my boyfriend until I feel like I need to end it. And not for his needs. I don’t want him to think I’m choosing my boyfriend over him either, but what I’ve come to realize is that he isn’t the controller of my life. I can’t help who I fall in love with and I can’t help that the person I did fall in love with doesn’t fall under his standards of a “perfect” guy. But he’s perfect to me. I’ve been with him for almost 2 years now and I still feel the same way I felt when I first met him. I’ve been we had one bad feeling about him and still don’t. So it’s hard when your dad doesn’t approve of your relationship because it’s every daughters dream to have their dads like their boyfriends. So when they don’t it makes you feel like you’re turning your back on your parents just because you’re choosing to stay with a person that makes you unbelievably happy. So, I’m asking you, how do I tell my dad?

          Comment


          • ccsmod10
            ccsmod10 commented
            Editing a comment
            Hi,

            Sorry to hear that you’re having such a tough time. It sounds like you really care about both your dad and your boyfriend. It certainly can be frustrating if your dad is making you choose between such important people in your life. Unfortunately, we are non-directive at NRS and cannot give out advice.

            From what you mentioned, your dad hasn’t been very open-minded about you and your boyfriend’s relationship. Have you tried having a third party help you speak to your dad? Sometimes someone like a relative, or adult family friend can help make those conversations stay calmer and let both sides be heard. NRS offers a conference calling service, between youth and parents. If you needed us to help facilitate a conversation between you and your dad, we can definitely do that.

            If you want to talk more, you can always reach out to us at 1-800-RUNAWAY to brainstorm more options. We’re open 24x7.
            Best of luck

        • #7
          I just turned 21 and live is a psychiatric facility. I want to go and visit my boyfriend who lives in Kentucky and I'm saving up to see him but I want my moms blessing and don't want to be on her bad side. I want everybody to be happy but that's my downfall Always.

          Comment


          • ccsmod0
            ccsmod0 commented
            Editing a comment
            Hello, thank you for taking the time to write to us here at the National Runaway Safeline. It sounds like you care about your boyfriend very much and would like to go and visit him. You mentioned that you want to have your mothers blessing before going. Have you tried talking to her about this plan? If you would like we can host a conference call between you and your mother. We would serve as mediators, we are not here to necessarily choose sides but rather help come up with a solution that would make the situation at home better. This might be helpful to you if you have concerns about your mother not listening or not being open to hear what you have to say. If you feel like this is a service that you would find useful you can give us a call and one of our trained liner will be happy to assist you. The choice is up to you, we can still always just talk to you about your options.
            We wish you the best of luck,
            NRS
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