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I'm running for Lee's safety

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  • I'm running for Lee's safety

    My name is Evelyn, I have paranoid schizophrenia.
    I live every day in fear.The shadowmen will not stop following me. They say they want to be my friends but they don't. They are circalling my head this very moment. They will not leave me alone. I'm scared all the time. I don't sleep anymore. I don't talk to people.
    I have one friend, though, who's name is Lee.
    He is the only person I ever really talk to.I feel so safe around him. The shadowmen rarely bother me when he is around. And even if they do come, I'm not scared, because Lee is with me. I care about him so much and I would do anything for him.
    The thing is, when I get mad at people, -the shadowmen go and do something terrible to that person. I tell them to stop but they won't they keep killing. They say that they are karma, dealing out punishments to those who deserve it. But it isn't our place to deal out karma, mother earth does that herself just fine.
    For instance, a boy at my school was constantly harassing me. I hated him. He'd never had a bad day in his life. I wanted him to know what sadness and pain where.
    Next day, his aunt died.
    the shadowmen had not been in my room the night before.
    And that's not even the only case.
    The thing is,now the shadowmen tell me that Lee never loved me. Lee wants me dead and they want Lee dead.THey would be killing him for my sake. They say it's only a matter of time before they kill him because he deserves it.But he doesn't and I know they know he doesn't. THey just want to break me. They've already killed his dog. I only talk to Lee when I need to now, because I'm afraid he will say something that upsets the shadowmen, and that will be it. My only friend, gone. Because of me.

    I want the shadowmen to be gone. I want to talk to Lee again. I want him to hold me and tell me the shadowmen aren't real like he has so many times before. But I can't do that anymore. I have been selfish in the past, and I haven't been keeping Lee's safety in mind. I have two options: I can kill myself or I can run away. I don't want to kill myself because I know it would destroy my mother (she couldnt handle me leaving her church to join another, no doubt she can't handle me dying, even if she does hate me) and It would also destroy Lee. He would think it was all his fault and he would'nt smile for a long time and just the thought of Lee not smiling makes me very sad. My second option is to run as far as I can, taking the shadowmen with me. I know the shadowmen will be so angry if I should run away. They will tear at my head and tell me that they'll kill me and everyone else and I will never sleep again and I will live the rest of my days as a hermit. However, shadowmen can't travel to far. THey wouldn't be able to hurt Lee and that alone will make me appy. I know Lee will be very sad when I am gone but I will leave him a letter telling him I did it for the good of the people and he will forget it eventually.

    I wish that there was another way. I wish I didn't have to leave. BUt I'll do anything with a smile on my face if it keeps Lee safe. HOwever, I don't have the money for a train or bus ticket and the nearest train station is a bit of a ways away. I could most likely convince a boy from my school to drive me to the station but I don't know where t go from there and I need help to know what to do. All of my chakras are blocked at the moment so I can't meditate for wisdom or ask a deity. I need someone to tell me what I need to do to get out of this town as fast as I can.

    THank you for all of your help.

  • #2
    Re: I'm running for Lee's safety


    It sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. Good for you for being able to survive. I’m really glad you posted, there may be others who have also been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia who are also struggling. You never know who might read this and realize they are not alone and feel better. Thank you for sharing and by doing so helping others.

    You mentioned two options of dealing with everything that is going on: suicide and running away. I’m glad to hear you’ve ruled out suicide because you know it would destroy your mom. There is a suicide hotline number, too, it’s 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

    It's good to hear your story but we'd like to know what kinds of resources we could provide. We're a national crisis hotline for runaway and homeless youth and we provide local resources for people that need assistance with something. If we could find you some local resources, what would they look like?

    You know your situation the best, but we want to just point out there that there might be additional options to consider.

    Best of luck,
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!


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