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here goes. My daughter ran away. I know she is not really classified as a runaway because she’s 18. But one day we came home and she was gone. No note, no warning, nothing. Just gone. To me, that’s a runaway.
Just to give you some background, we were a normal, happy family. We have three kids. The oldest is 20 and just graduated college with his associates. He is working in his chosen career and is saving money to buy his own home. Our youngest just turned 17 and is a junior in high school. She too is working towards her chosen career. Our middle daughter turned 18 in April and was looking forward to starting college this fall. Our family was tight, we loved each other so much, we were always laughing, being silly, goofing with each other. The kids were model kids, never got in trouble, never went through the “rebellious” stages all my friends talk about with their kids. People used to tell me they were so jealous of the relationship we had with our kids, even asking advice. I never dreamed our world would be turned upside down like this.
It all started back sometime in the middle of July. Our middle daughter broke up with her boyfriend of two years. She secretly started dating another boy she knew through school. When I say secret, she didn’t tell us she was dating him, but we kind of suspected because she talked about him a lot, but kind of evaded the question when we asked her. We figured she would tell us in her own time. But it was strange for us because she is definitely not the shy type, so of course we became concerned. Finally, after I had asked her about it point blank, she told me that she was dating him. This is where the problem occurred.
Her boyfriend is half black and half white. I am by no means a racist. But I was concerned. There are people in this world, both white and black, who would have a problem with this. All I wanted to do was have a conversation with my daughter about issues she would face in this type of relationship. I feel, as a parent, that I should help my daughter to prepare for certain issues she would face. I was also concerned because she had been so secretive about the relationship and seemed to be trying to hide it. That gave me the impression that she wasn’t comfortable with the relationship. When we tried to talk to her, all she would say is that she didn’t think we would have a problem with it so she didn’t think she needed to discuss it.
I believe this is where the line of communication broke down. She thinks we are against the relationship because of her boy friends race. We only tried to help her see the reality of the situation and help prepare her. We only knew about this relationship for about a week before she left. From the time we found out until the day she left, we had had several heated discussions. In fact, three. The discussions became heated not because of her boyfriend, but because of her attitude towards us. She just became completely condescending and hateful and refused to listen to us about what we were trying to get through. If she were to have one fault, she has always had a tendency to be condescending towards people. She is extremely smart and thinks she’s smarter than everyone else. That is one of the few things we have had to discuss with her since she was young. Many of our adult friends and relatives had commented on her having a smart mouth and she does. But she could usually get away with it because she was so funny and had such a good personality. Most people would over look that one flaw. But looking back, her attitude had gotten worse since about the beginning of the year. She started to get the “I’m turning 18 and can do what I want” attitude and she did become more and more condescending, towards us, her brother and sister, other adults. Even some of her friends. We knew she was stressing about graduation and college and that was probably the reason for her behavior changes. After graduation, she did seem to improve, but then about 6 weeks later, it got progressively worse. Then the issue with her new boyfriend and boom, she’s gone.
The night before she left, we had a particularly bad argument with her. We couldn’t seem to make her understand that it wasn’t her relationship itself, but how she was acting. I finally realized that I had a very confused, very upset daughter. I understood that she would need to work this out on her own, she just needed her parents there in the background. I understood that words meant nothing, she needed to experience this for herself. We were trying to protect her from the evil in the world, but she saw us as the evil. I took her in my arms, I told her I loved her, that I understood. I told her we were all tired and had said a lot of things we didn’t mean and that were hurtful and that most of all, we would work it out, we were a family. Her father did the same. We told her to get some sleep and we would work it all out in the morning. She told us she loved us, hugged us, kissed us and went to bed. I honestly thought it would be ok, we finally got over the hump and everything would be fine.
The next morning, my husband and I woke up early to get some errands ran so we could have ample time to talk with our daughter. We discussed what we would say, that we would support her, that we understood what she needed. We were going to tell her that she was intelligent and we trusted her decisions. We just wanted to make sure she was thinking everything through, which was what led to the arguments to begin with. But we never got the chance. That morning, she told her younger sister she was going for a walk. But she never came home. She would not return texts, would not answer her phone, nothing. We got worried and started looking for her and calling around. My son knew where her boyfriend lived, so he went over there. My son called me and told me that our daughter refused to talk to him and not only that, but was threatened by the boyfriends step dad and was grilled by his mother. My husband and I went over there and got the same treatment, though we were not threatened. They refused to allow us to see our daughter, told us she was scared of us, told us they didn’t appreciate the race card. Our daughter told them that we were racist, that we refused her to have a relationship with this boy, that we threatened to take away her car if she continued to have a relationship, etc.
We have not had very good contact with my daughter. I did manage to have a phone conversation with her two days after she left. Basically she just screamed at me and talked a lot of nonsense. My youngest daughter brought her some clothes, but came home crying and extremely upset because of how hateful her sister was to her. We did manage to have slight communication through texts, but she was just hateful. I cannot believe she would say the things she has said. All we asked was to talk with her, we told her we accepted her relationship, but it’s like she doesn’t want to hear it.
I believe that she was sneaky in her relationship because she was told by this boy and possibly his family that we would have an issue with his race, so she was defensive to begin with. And then when we brought up our concerns, of course that proved him/them right. She outright lied to them about what we said, we know that, but now they are enabling her to continue with this behavior by not only allowing her to live there, but in refusing to help her and her family heal. They are completely against us. She has said some truly horrible things about us. She told her sister that we are not family. That was three weeks ago. But Friday, I came home and found she left a letter in the mail box, asking us to sign a dependent form for college and send her copies of our tax returns because they needed them for her student aid at school. She is a very confused young person. I think she needs help. I’m mad, worried, sad, heartbroken, I just cry. Then I go numb. Nobody in our family believes she would act this way. Her brother and sister are destroyed. We need someone to intervene, someone who is outside of the family, who can see this objectively. We definitely need counseling. I am willing, I just need to get her to agree. Can someone please help? The pain just won’t stop.
Just to give you some background, we were a normal, happy family. We have three kids. The oldest is 20 and just graduated college with his associates. He is working in his chosen career and is saving money to buy his own home. Our youngest just turned 17 and is a junior in high school. She too is working towards her chosen career. Our middle daughter turned 18 in April and was looking forward to starting college this fall. Our family was tight, we loved each other so much, we were always laughing, being silly, goofing with each other. The kids were model kids, never got in trouble, never went through the “rebellious” stages all my friends talk about with their kids. People used to tell me they were so jealous of the relationship we had with our kids, even asking advice. I never dreamed our world would be turned upside down like this.
It all started back sometime in the middle of July. Our middle daughter broke up with her boyfriend of two years. She secretly started dating another boy she knew through school. When I say secret, she didn’t tell us she was dating him, but we kind of suspected because she talked about him a lot, but kind of evaded the question when we asked her. We figured she would tell us in her own time. But it was strange for us because she is definitely not the shy type, so of course we became concerned. Finally, after I had asked her about it point blank, she told me that she was dating him. This is where the problem occurred.
Her boyfriend is half black and half white. I am by no means a racist. But I was concerned. There are people in this world, both white and black, who would have a problem with this. All I wanted to do was have a conversation with my daughter about issues she would face in this type of relationship. I feel, as a parent, that I should help my daughter to prepare for certain issues she would face. I was also concerned because she had been so secretive about the relationship and seemed to be trying to hide it. That gave me the impression that she wasn’t comfortable with the relationship. When we tried to talk to her, all she would say is that she didn’t think we would have a problem with it so she didn’t think she needed to discuss it.
I believe this is where the line of communication broke down. She thinks we are against the relationship because of her boy friends race. We only tried to help her see the reality of the situation and help prepare her. We only knew about this relationship for about a week before she left. From the time we found out until the day she left, we had had several heated discussions. In fact, three. The discussions became heated not because of her boyfriend, but because of her attitude towards us. She just became completely condescending and hateful and refused to listen to us about what we were trying to get through. If she were to have one fault, she has always had a tendency to be condescending towards people. She is extremely smart and thinks she’s smarter than everyone else. That is one of the few things we have had to discuss with her since she was young. Many of our adult friends and relatives had commented on her having a smart mouth and she does. But she could usually get away with it because she was so funny and had such a good personality. Most people would over look that one flaw. But looking back, her attitude had gotten worse since about the beginning of the year. She started to get the “I’m turning 18 and can do what I want” attitude and she did become more and more condescending, towards us, her brother and sister, other adults. Even some of her friends. We knew she was stressing about graduation and college and that was probably the reason for her behavior changes. After graduation, she did seem to improve, but then about 6 weeks later, it got progressively worse. Then the issue with her new boyfriend and boom, she’s gone.
The night before she left, we had a particularly bad argument with her. We couldn’t seem to make her understand that it wasn’t her relationship itself, but how she was acting. I finally realized that I had a very confused, very upset daughter. I understood that she would need to work this out on her own, she just needed her parents there in the background. I understood that words meant nothing, she needed to experience this for herself. We were trying to protect her from the evil in the world, but she saw us as the evil. I took her in my arms, I told her I loved her, that I understood. I told her we were all tired and had said a lot of things we didn’t mean and that were hurtful and that most of all, we would work it out, we were a family. Her father did the same. We told her to get some sleep and we would work it all out in the morning. She told us she loved us, hugged us, kissed us and went to bed. I honestly thought it would be ok, we finally got over the hump and everything would be fine.
The next morning, my husband and I woke up early to get some errands ran so we could have ample time to talk with our daughter. We discussed what we would say, that we would support her, that we understood what she needed. We were going to tell her that she was intelligent and we trusted her decisions. We just wanted to make sure she was thinking everything through, which was what led to the arguments to begin with. But we never got the chance. That morning, she told her younger sister she was going for a walk. But she never came home. She would not return texts, would not answer her phone, nothing. We got worried and started looking for her and calling around. My son knew where her boyfriend lived, so he went over there. My son called me and told me that our daughter refused to talk to him and not only that, but was threatened by the boyfriends step dad and was grilled by his mother. My husband and I went over there and got the same treatment, though we were not threatened. They refused to allow us to see our daughter, told us she was scared of us, told us they didn’t appreciate the race card. Our daughter told them that we were racist, that we refused her to have a relationship with this boy, that we threatened to take away her car if she continued to have a relationship, etc.
We have not had very good contact with my daughter. I did manage to have a phone conversation with her two days after she left. Basically she just screamed at me and talked a lot of nonsense. My youngest daughter brought her some clothes, but came home crying and extremely upset because of how hateful her sister was to her. We did manage to have slight communication through texts, but she was just hateful. I cannot believe she would say the things she has said. All we asked was to talk with her, we told her we accepted her relationship, but it’s like she doesn’t want to hear it.
I believe that she was sneaky in her relationship because she was told by this boy and possibly his family that we would have an issue with his race, so she was defensive to begin with. And then when we brought up our concerns, of course that proved him/them right. She outright lied to them about what we said, we know that, but now they are enabling her to continue with this behavior by not only allowing her to live there, but in refusing to help her and her family heal. They are completely against us. She has said some truly horrible things about us. She told her sister that we are not family. That was three weeks ago. But Friday, I came home and found she left a letter in the mail box, asking us to sign a dependent form for college and send her copies of our tax returns because they needed them for her student aid at school. She is a very confused young person. I think she needs help. I’m mad, worried, sad, heartbroken, I just cry. Then I go numb. Nobody in our family believes she would act this way. Her brother and sister are destroyed. We need someone to intervene, someone who is outside of the family, who can see this objectively. We definitely need counseling. I am willing, I just need to get her to agree. Can someone please help? The pain just won’t stop.
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