The pain parents feel

[Guest]

I am writing becuase i want to share how I feel. My daughter age 17 ran away 6 weeks ago. I never expected this. We had conflict over curfews, transportation, saftey, mostly involving the boyfriend. She is/was a senior in college prep courses. She is a bright girl. I never saw any indications of drugs, or drinking. I am sure other parents in my siturtation understand how I feel. Perhaps kids wanting to run will read this and try to understand a parents love for their children. We so much want to protect our children. At some point it is time to let go, we need to learn when that time is. I beleive I knew when that time was. (I was thinking college) It sure was not at age 17 while still in high school. She decided to go. I am powerless. I am sad, for her and for me.

I have also read the kids blogs and really really feel bad for the kids in a tough situation. If parents and kids could step back and learn something from the messages here, perhaps something good can come to someone.

Every day when I wake up, I think I am in a nighmare. Every few hours, I realize the heartache I feel. I miss my daugher so much. I do not know when this pain will leave. I pray that I will learn from this. I pray my daughter will learn from this. Looking back, perhaps I could have been more patient and tried to discuss things with her. I also acted as many parents of teens act and tried to enforce structure and discipline. It pains me that she believed her life was so bad at home that she would leave everyone, Me, her brother, her aunts, uncles, grandfather, cat, dog, friends, school. Another part of me believes she has been so misguided by people supporting her inmature decission to stay away, to stay out of school. I am angry about that.

I would forgive my daughter in a New York minute if she were to come home. I already forgive her. I wonder if she knows the pain I feel. I wonder if it is ok to tell her the pain I feel. I would tell her I love her. I would tell her I always wanted her to be safe and happy. I hope one day she sees that. If she does not come home and stays in the situation she is in, I will need to accept her decission somehow. I dont know how, but somehow. I know am not ready for that. What she has gone to is not a good situtation. I believe she did it for the "love of a boy" I will need to let her "find her way" as painful as it is.

I have read the blogs from kids and I hear there are kids in some really tough spots.
I am really really sorry, as a parent. Whatever I have done, as a parent, to cause that I take responsiblity for.

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Mom

[ccsmod8]

Re: The pain parents feel

Hello,

So nice of you to reach out to us in your time of need. We appreciate you taking the right direction to get some ideas and suggestions to make your situation at home easier for everyone involved. Taking the right approach with such a delicate matter with your daughter is crucial. That you decided to write to us at the National Switchboard at this hour of need means a lot to us and we hope to continue to be here for you whenever you need us in the future. We appreciate your willingness to share in the details of the situation and letting your honesty govern your thoughts and feelings with how it has affected everyone involved. We imagine that her leaving has taken its toll and continues to wear on you at this time. We want you to know that we are now your new place for added support and wish that you call us anytime at 1800RUNAWAY. All of our liners are qualified to assist you and it works best to have a lived person to vent your frustration because we know how difficult and frustrating it must be for you to see her reveal a new side to herself.

Six weeks is truly a long time to be away from home. You mentioned that she is probably doing this for a boy. Have you thought about reaching out to his parents to find out what is really happening and do you have a way to get in touch with them? Although it is not considered a crime in some states to run away, it still gives your daughter the status as a runaway if you file a report with the local police. Have you decided to call the police to look into what they could do to help look for her? We recommend that you file the report to protect yourself from being charged with neglect and to help verify her status with the police in case she is picked up.

We imagine that since it came as a surprise and knowing that she is a bright child that you can be left thinking the worse. We hope you can try to be optimistic and hope for the best. What is the likelihood that you might have a proper plan for when she returns? Have you thought about how you might approach her or what you might say to her? We hope that you are not too hard on yourself for not realizing any indications of drugs or drinking. Young people can pull a lot of stunts without parents knowing. Every parent has done it to their own when they were teenagers. The good thing is that you are going through the motions and analyzing the ways things needs to change when she returns. We give you lots of credit for thinking deeply. Thinking about the real issues and pretending not care by brushing it aside can serve its purpose but the goal is to navigate through the maze to reach a goal for family reunification.

Many parents would understand the way you feel because many parents go through these things all the time. It is not to lessen the burden of the issues on you but to give you a sense of relief in knowing that you are not alone. You have proven to us that you truly care a great deal about your child and see the goodness in your efforts to now try to make things right for her and for your family at home. Just like you we too want to protect America's youth and keep them off the streets. You are right in saying that there comes a time when you have to let go but we recognize that no matter how old a child becomes, they are still going to be your baby no matter what. It is one thing to let up your guard but what is a mother to do but protect your children.

We hear how powerless you must be feeling and we do our best to try to empower you to better the situation. One agency that helps parents with feeling more empowered is TEAM H.O.P.E at 1-866-305-4673. H.O.P.E stands for help offering parents empowerment. Thank you for saying great things about our post and what it could mean to other parents and callers. We encourage revisiting our site as much as you want to get further information about how you can best reach out to your daughter. Have you called all her friends, her friend's relatives and your own friends to relatives to make them away of the situation? Is there a way to track a phone she uses or even her online chat sites?

How are you coping? We understand that these times can be like a "nightmare" as you described. Have you been doing the things you need to get through the day? We imagine it is hard to let go of the pain of knowing that she should be home with you. However, it helps to get out and find ways to distract yourself for a few hours or even do things that can give you a sense of rejuvenation and hope. When you are rested, the thought of losing her does not get mingled with worse thoughts if you are less tired. We realize that there is a time for grieving and healing and we are in no position to tell you what to do but we hope you get to a point when you look back, that you know that you acted as any human would when their lives gets turn upside down. However, we hope you feel the positive of knowing that you also acted as any parent in trying to set up structure at home and discipline for the ones you love. How else can you have predictability and consistency without structure?

You are right in assuming that she can be influence by peer pressure. Do you know for sure the real reason why she took off outside the "boy element" and the need for freedom? You stated that you cannot believe she decided to leave everyone behind. Do you think it is going to take family therapy or even individual counseling to get to the root of it? One thing you can think about is how we can provide referrals to you also if you need to call us for free resources to counseling in your area. We want you to know that you hear loud and clear the pain you must be feeling and even if you do not know if your daughter knows and appreciate that, we assume that she might be hurting also. It goes both ways even when it is not in the open. We imagine that you are not ready for this major change in your life and hope that everyone involved can give it some serious thought and come to a consensus on the best way to approach the issue. You can also give your daughter our 1800RUNAWAY number in times of need for her to hold on to in case she needs to speak to an impartial person. We have a message service and conference call service for families in case you or your daughter needs to call each other by calling us to leave messages or if she calls us to call home to talk about coming home. It is best to let others know that our services are confidential and that we do not track calls. It helps young people to know that they can call an agency to vent or use us as a middle person to better communication at home.

We end this post by saying that we wish you the best and know that we are here for you and your family. Please stay strong and try your best to not be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes but you are now giving the issues serious thought and realizing if mistakes were made, it was not your intention for this to happen. It is simply to guide your family and do right by everyone. Good luck and keep hope alive.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: The pain parents feel

The question mark surely indicates that I'm not quite certain how I'm feeling over the past five days. My daughter a very bright, junior in high school who was suppose to take SATs this weekend just up and left. I came home from work five days ago to find her room empty. I thought we'd moved pass this behavior. She ran away at age 12 for three days. At age 14 when we relocated to a new city where we knew know one, she ran away eight times in a span of two months until I finally had her Baker Acted so that she may receive counseling. I saw no signs of discontentment. We were released from counseling a year ago. She has exceled in school, we laughed for the most part everyday about something silly, and on ocassion I ragged on her about too much phone time. I'm lost! I thought I was ahead of this game! There were no overt signs as in the past when she ran away. I don't know whether I'm more mad at her or myself for missing the signs. All I know is that I dropped her off to school as usual, she said, "Have a good day mommy" and I replied, "you too, I will see you later".~ Go figure

[ccsmod0]

Re: The pain parents feel

Thank you for posting and sharing your situation on our bulletin. It sounds like you have been doing a great job as a parent. You had open communication with your daughter and enjoyed times spend together. It is understandable that we look back to try and figure out what signs might have been missed. As a parent, you can do everything right, but the rest is up to them to make the right choice. It sounds like the move affected both of you in not knowing anyone. That must have been hard. When she was receiving counseling, did anything come up as to why she was running away? Do you feel she will take the SATs this weekend?

We are here 24/7 and are completely confidential. We can help provide local resources or just be here to listen and support you during this difficult time if you want to talk in more detail. Our number is 1-800RUNAWAY (786-2929). We wish you the best!

~NRS

[Guest]

Re: The pain parents feel

switch it up to a son who's 18 -i'm right there in that painfilled boat.
has been amost 6 weeks since my son raw away in the middle of the night halfway across the country to connect with a girl of 24 -
i'm doing a lot of praying, soulsearching, trying hard to actually just understand what happened on our end.
glad I found this place.
Joanna

[Guest]

Re: The pain parents feel

This post is not too recent. Has your daughter returned home? I am in the same situation. My daughter left on her 18th birthday. I thought she was sleeping in on 6/22/10. She left around 2 AM. I had no idea this was brewing. She met a high school dropout, unemployed, living with his disabled father. Last year at this time, we were preparing for college. Now, she has dropped out, started smoking cigarettes, did ecstasy, pierced her face and is "saving up for a tattoo." She wants nothing to do with me. Just before her birthday we were planning her beach party. She left her dog behind, brother, and new turtles she bought two weeks before she left. She even had me buy new clothes for her three days before her departure. She left a mountain load of fairly new clothes behind. Some she only wore once. How could she do this when she knew what she planned to do? I was so upset, was "escorted" to the county facility with people that were deeply disturbed, on medications, or lived in the streets. Even the pastor was surprised that I was there and had to put in a good word for my release. She was so trusted to be a good kid that my mother went to an attorney to put her name as co-owner of her home that was paid off. It was to pay for her education. All because of some boy she met on the internet. Even found a letter she wrote him, telling him that she wanted him to be "my first." She told me if I tried to find her she would call the police tell them I am harassing her. I am totally devastated and can barely leave my home since I am afraid of losing composure when out in public. Hate the store people telling me to "have a nice day" or ask how I am. That's when I blurt out my problem. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I feel it in my chest all the time, have crying spells, can't talk to anyone.

[ccsmod3]

Re: The pain parents feel

Thank you for sharing you concern for our other posters at the National Runaway Switchboard as well as sharing your own personal story. We are sorry to hear that your daughter has left. It sounds like it took you completely by surprise and has been quite difficult for you to deal with everything. You mention spending time in a county facility which we imagine was pretty terrifying from what you describe. We are glad to hear that your pastor was able to put in a good word for your release.

It sounds like this has been a total devastation for you and understandably so. It sounds like even just dealing with the “day to day” has been very difficult to the point where you can barely leave your home. Is there anything that makes it easier for you to cope? In the end of your post you say how you the pain you feel has affected you physically and you can’t talk to anyone. We have a large database of different sorts of resources (i.e. counseling and support groups) if you would find that beneficial. We are not sure which city and state you are located, so instead we’ve provided a National resource below that may be of help.

Families Anonymous: 1-800-736-9805 http://www.familiesanonymous.org
They offer a general 12 Step program to family members dealing with a variety of issues. They have many different chapters throughout the United States and if there isn’t one nearby, they offer e-meetings.

If you would like additional resources or to further discuss your situation, you are welcome to call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY. We are anonymous, confidential, and available 24/7. We are here to listen and offer support to the best of our abilities. We hope you remain strong throughout your experience.

Best of luck to you,
NRS

[Guest]

Re: The pain parents feel

7 1/2 years ago my daughter took off
the pain i still feel is unreportable
now my youngest is nearing that rough age frame
and I can't handle the fear
she looks just like her sister
it pains me just to look at her as I did her older sister
so beautiful, so cheerful, trying so hard to make a balance
and yet
I still don't understand
She supposedly told stories to co-workers and school mates about things that supposedly happened that never did
If one thing were learned by everyone it should be this
If someone tells you that untoward things are happening in their life - REPORT IT. If the stories are real they need help, if they aren't real they still need help.
Be kinder than necessary for you don't know the battle hidden behind the smile.

[ccsmod8]

Re: The pain parents feel

Hello,

Thank you for posting to our bulletin board. We always appreciate when people share their experience and offer insights to others as support. We imagine it must have been quite difficult for you when your daughter left home. We certainly empathize with your situation.

We can never fully understand how hard this must be for you but we wish to be of support in the future if you ever need us. Hearing how painful it has been for you and now that your younger child is growing up must compound the issue even more for you. sentiment You do sound resilient. How are you dealing with the frustration?

We are a 24 hour a day hotline. We are confidential and anonymous. We can be reached at 1800RUNAWAY if you need support directly. We hope you can remain strong during these difficult times. Good luck.

-NRS

[Unregistered]

Wow - you said it exactly

I am writing becuase I want to share how I feel. My daughter age 17ran away 6 weeks ago. I never expected this. We had conflict over curfews, transportation, saftey, mostly involving the boyfriend. She is/was a senior in college prep courses. She is a bright girl. I never saw any indications of drugs, or drinking. I am sure other parents in my siturtation understand how I feel. Perhaps kids wanting to run will read this and try to understand a parents love for their children. We so much want to protect our children. At some point it is time to let go, we need to learn when that time is. I beleive I knew when that time was. (I was thinking college) It sure was not at age 17 while still in high school. She decided to go. I am powerless. I am sad, for her and for me.

I have also read the kids blogs and really really feel bad for the kids in a tough situation. If parents and kids could step back and learn something from the messages here, perhaps something good can come to someone.

Every day when I wake up, I think I am in a nighmare. Every few hours, I realize the heartache I feel. I miss my daugher so much. I do not know when this pain will leave. I pray that I will learn from this. I pray my daughter will learn from this. Looking back, perhaps I could have been more patient and tried to discuss things with her. I also acted as many parents of teens act and tried to enforce structure and discipline. It pains me that she believed her life was so bad at home that she would leave everyone, Me, her brother, her aunts, uncles, grandfather, cat, dog, friends, school. Another part of me believes she has been so misguided by people supporting her inmature decission to stay away, to stay out of school. I am angry about that.

I would forgive my daughter in a New York minute if she were to come home. I already forgive her. I wonder if she knows the pain I feel. I wonder if it is ok in to tell her the pain I feel. I would tell her I love her. I would tell her I always wanted her to be safe and happy. I hope one day she sees that. If she does not come home and stays in the situation she is in, I will need to accept her decission somehow. I dont know how, but somehow. I know am not ready for that. What she has gone to is not a good situtation. I believe she did it for the "love of a boy" I will need to let her "find her way" as painful as it is.

I have read the blogs from kids and I hear there are kids in some really tough spots. I am really really sorry, as a parent. Whatever I have done, as a parent, to cause that I take responsiblity for. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

This is almost extactly to the "T" of what I've been going thru the last 6 wks myself, except my daughter just graduated from high school in June, and turned 19 in July. We'd been in a very bad financial situation for several months (4-5 months; car "died" and no transportation, I work a night job as a janitor for minimum wage altho I have a 4-yr degree, food stamps cut me off in June with my daughter turning 19, etc etc). My daughter has Aspergers, so altho she is physically 19, she is very immature and has a very hard time functioning socially. She "ranaway" the end of August to be with some guy in NC she "met" online, and altho she has called twice to say she's safe and fine, to "leave her alone and get outta" her life. I have been going thru all the emotions you wrote, as well as horrible thoughts of what this "guy" could be doing to her, etc. I called the police (I didn't hear from her for the first 10 days) who were really rude and non-chalant, "M'am she's 19 and can do whatever she wants" and refused to make a missing persons report. Like you, I think I'm in some weird nightmare.....I am a single parent (as well as a single child of a single parent), so I have no family whatsoever as a support group. Anything and everything sets me off to uncontrollable shaking, crying, thoughts of wishing I were dead, etc.......

[ccsmod8]

RE: The Pain Parents Feel/Wow - You Said It Exactly

Hello,

Thank you for posting on our bulletin page and responding to a previous post. We can tell the motivation behind your reasons for adding to the previous story. It give a sense of shared struggles between parents. Your post was moving also and it is that connection we seek to provide resources to all parents in need. We are here for all of you and want to provide resources when needed. How are you coping with your daugher being gone for so long? Do you have sufficient support to reply on for help also?

We are glad you reached out because have services that is in the spirit of family reuification. For example we have a message and conference calls services to better communication between you and your child. If she were to become aware of us if she does not want to return just yet she can call us to leave messages for you. Once she recieved it we call you to deliver it and you can call us to leave one for her to call in to get it. If a conference is preferred we can call home with her over the phone to do conflict mediation.

We are a confidential and anonymous hotline and we are available 24 hours a day for support and resources. Have you tried to make posters. If the police has not been of much help we can refer you to the National Center for Missing and Exploited children at 1800-843-5678 as a back up to register her as a missing person. They are 24 hours also. We have a list of other agencies you can call us to reach them about your situation. We hope that you can count on us for support and know that we are for you and your daughter if you wish to pass along our number to her. We wish you look and stay strong.

-NRS

[Unregistered]

My daughter left on her 18th birthday. We are a close family and she has four other siblings. She's very responsible and i thought things were going so well. I helped her find a job and drove her there and back and it was about 40 miles a day four to five days a week. We didn't charge her for all the gas - just some of it because we explained we were helping her save for a car and for college. She was homeschooled and I had just graduated her.
Soon she got her license and drove herself. she had a lot of freedom --we didn't bother her much, she was the only kid who had her own room here and we trusted her.
Two days before her 18th, she announced she was going. We found out she's been carrying on with a guy in his 20's for at least a year and she has lied about it. It's been a year of lying sneaking and secrets. And slowly shutting us out of her life while still "playing the game" to get what she needed to get out.
We feel so used. We feel completely disposable. Her siblings are hurting and feel abandoned.
She refuses to tell us where she is. I wrote her how angry and hurt we are; but she doesn't seem to care. I don't understand. Where is the girl I thought I knew? When the anger simmered, I messaged her how much I loved her. That I wouldn't judge her....but why could we not be part of her life?
She is no longer answering me.
I feel like I'm living a nightmare. Never in a million years did i think this could happen and now I don't know if I should just leave her alone, try to "close the door" (how do parents do that??) or what. She won't communicate with anyone in our family. She wrote my 12 year old a couple of times that she'd gotten a kitten but she stopped writing.
How do these children--and yes, a just turned 18 year old is still a kid in SO many ways -- just walk out of our lives? Close the door on EVERYTHING and not care about our pain?
We don't want to control her - we want to help her become independent. Is it so much to ask that we be included in her life, after giving her 18 years of love and care?
This is worse than losing a loved one. I lost my father three years ago very suddenly and this is far more horrible. Please kids - if you don't have a "legitimate" reason to go - such as abuse, etc, don' t put your family through this. My husband and I both had to get medication for ourselves. He has called me at work weeping on the phone. He misses her so much. He is angry, shocked - she was his shadow and they enjoyed each other's company so much. Just walked out of his life completely.
Please kids, think what this will do to your parents if you're thinking of just "going". You have your whole life to grow up and do your own thing. Your independence will come, if that's the only reason you're going. You don't need to rip away and yank part of your parents' heart with you....
Love and prayers to you all.

[ccsmod0]

re:

Hi there,

Thanks for posting here and sharing your story with us. It sounds like you and your family are going through so much right now. It sounds like just an overwhelming and emotional time. It can be so difficult when life changes. It sounds like this whole time has just been a complete shock to you. We’re glad that you posted here.

It’s so clear that you care so much about your daughter. Usually when people leave home, they leave home for a reason. It might be helpful for you to reflect on what that reason might be. Having a clearer understanding of how she might be feeling can be a good way to begin communication with her.

Another option that you might have is to reach out to someone who both you and she trusts. That person might be able to reach out to your daughter and slowly begin the process of talking back and forth. In the same light, instead of writing her multiple texts (which could make her feel a little overwhelmed), it might be helpful to write a letter to her. Expressing how you feel and what you want from her can be a good way to communicate. It would be something that she can hold onto and reach for again to reread.

You sound like a very strong person who cares deeply for her children. There are a lot of people out there who don’t have anyone watching out for them. If you need any more support please feel free to reach out to us through our hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our website (www.1800runaway.org) from 4.30pm-11.30pm Central Time. We look forward to your call or chat.

Best of luck to you and your family,

NRS