The love in my family isn’t mutual, so I wanna run away

[Guest]

My mom and dad have joint custody, but my dad moved and left me and my sister. We barely ever talk and I haven’t seen him since last year. I don’t like being at my moms house because of her abusive boyfriend and his kids (she doesn’t care about any of it either), so I’m usually at my grandmas house, but even then, she barely cares about me. I have no friends that care about me and they both are toxic. Everyone I live with (besides my 16 year old uncle) just puts me off (and even sometimes, he doesn’t care, because he cares more about my friends, since they’re around his age, they’re girls, he’s horny a lot, y’know). I also live in a really run down neighborhood with lots of addicts (both alcohol and drugs). People have tried to break into our house, people have left ziplock bags of coke in the ditch in front of the house, etc.. I’m depressed, suicidal, I have bad anxiety a lot, and I just can’t do this anymore. Every time I complain to my grandma, she says all kinds of stuff, like “your mom has already threatened to call the police if you don’t go out to her house”, “every time I say something, you get mad and yell at me”, etc.. Most of the time, I don’t even come out of my room, because every single time I do, she complains, saying she can’t clean the house, cps is gonna take us, etc.. I’ve thought about asking if I can stay with one of my friends, but they’d most likely tell my grandma that I’m there, and she’d bring me back. I’ve saved up $100+, we have easy food in the house, I’ve bought some new clothes, I have hair dye, etc. just in case I ever actually run away. I’ve thought about it SO many times. I love them all, but they don’t care about me. Like the saying goes, “Nobody cares unless you’re dead or pretty”. I’ve cut, tried to off myself, but I’m always too scared. When my grandma found out I tried to commit suicide, she told a lot of people, even right in front of me. Once, I was having an emotional conversation with her and I slipped and said “I don’t wanna live, but I’m too scared to die”. I’m turning 12 next month on the 8th, but my birthday party is being shared with my baby brother on the 7th (his bday is the 5th and he’s turning 1). I would really miss my brothers (younger one is soon to be 1 and the older one is 2) and a lot of my family. I cry and have mental breakdowns every night, early in the morning (2-4 AM), etc.. My sleep schedule is really bad. I stay up until 5-11 AM, fall asleep, then wake back up at 2-5 PM, and repeat. I hate America, so I wanna live in a different country, but there’s no way that’s possible. There are so many things that could go wrong, such as me getting lost, kidnapped, killed, etc.. I’ve already planned the rest of my life, so I’m looking forward to that, but I feel suicidal, miserable, and unmotivated so frequently, I’ve mostly given up on my dreams. I just really need tips on what to do, especially during this horrible year, with covid, the plague, killer hornets, etc.. Thank you.

[ccsmod0]

Hi there,
Thank you for writing to us here at National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on with your family. It sounds like you’re quite overwhelmed by things at home right now. It sounds like you’re fearing that the situation may end in suicide if things don’t change. Your safety and well-being is important. If you are at risk of any danger or feeling unsafe, we encourage you to reach out to 911 or seek emergency assistance immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255); www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org is also a great resource to reach out to in addition to our crisis services. You also mentioned cutting. To Write Love on Her Arms is a resource we would like to provide you if you are feeling like harming yourself. You can contact them through their website http://www.twloha.com.
Regarding you thinking about running away. While we are not experts on the law, 18 is generally the age that an individual may leave home without parent permission. If you are under 18 and leave home, your parent/guardian may file you as a runaway and you may be returned home. Also, those you stay with may run the risk of being charged with harboring a runaway. For more specifics on the law, the local non-emergency police or legal aid may better answer legal questions.
The easiest way to leave home is with your parents' permission. We understand that might be challenging, however, maybe there’s another family member, relative, or a family friend who could help to communicate how you’re feeling to your parents. The second way is through Child Protective Services if safety is a concern. Lastly, you can also look into emancipation options. In most states you need to be at least 16 to be considered and demonstrate that you can support yourself financially and independently. Emancipation often can be a lengthy process and may even cost some money for court fees. We would be happy to look into legal resources if that’s something you are considering.
Often, having a safe space to share how you’re feeling may bring a variety of solutions previously not thought of. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This may be an isolating and lonely time for you, but you are not alone in this. We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time.
If you would like to talk more in detail please call or chat soon. Our contact information is 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929); www.1800runaway.org (click on the chat button). If you would like to look into further emotional support options, you can text with a crisis worker at the National Alliance on Mental Illness 24/7 by texting "NAMI" to 741741.
We hope to hear from you soon.
Be safe and stay strong,
NRS