13 years old, my own home triggers me now

[Unregistered]

Hello, Im thirteen and today I was doing some chores my mom asked me to do. I was extremely tired, so It seemed as if I had an "attitude" towards her.

She hits me pretty frequently, but today was the worst. She hit so hard my arm has a huge scratch, its bleeding and it hurts so much. She threw the stuff i had on the ground. She threatened to throw out my only best friend, my cat. I can't take it anymore.

2 years ago I was raped at this home as well, by my moms boyfriend. It was the worst experience of my life, I was contemplating suicide at 10 years old. After reporting him, he was basically "on the run" during that time. Scrolling through my moms phone, i saw her texting him. Telling him "she misses him" and stuff like that. I started getting nightmares about it.

I know my mom is mentally ill. She goes to therapy for depression and biopolar disorder. But how is that my fault? Why does she have to mess me up as well?

I don't know what to do. I want to run away, never see this house ever again. But I get anxiety about it, and then I never do it. Im scared that, one day, i will decide to take my own life, for my own happiness.
What should i do?

[ccsmod7]

Re: 13 years old, my own home triggers me now

Hi there,

It’s very brave of you to share your story on our online forum. Were glad that you came to us for help. It sounds like you’ve had to overcome some very difficult things. It’s clear that you are a survivor and a strong person.

You deserve to be treated with respect at home. Your mom does not have the right to put her hands on you. It must be very frightening to learn that your mom is still in communication with a person who raped and hurt you. Have you ever told anyone about what has been happening at home? Maybe a relative, a family friend, school friend, a teacher, or a counselor at school? Perhaps having someone to talk to about what you have been dealing with can help reduce some of that stress you've been feeling.

Other things that may be helpful is to possibly note when the abuse is happening or any triggers of the abuse (like after your mom comes from work or after dinner and/or right when you get home) and to try to find things that can keep yourself away from home during those times (after school programs, sports program, study group at a friend’s house, etc.).

Reporting abuse is also an option. We know that this can be really intimidating and really difficult for a lot of people. Here's a little bit of information in case that's an option that you're considering. If abuse is happening at home, you have the right to report it to the proper authorities. We can help you to file a report or just talk about that option if you call us.

We are always here to talk. We can talk with you about abuse, suicide, issues with your mom, or whatever else you feel comfortable sharing. If you do feel like you might hurt yourself, in addition to us, you can also call or chat with the National Suicide Prevention Line: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline...elinechat.aspx. They crisis counselors there are also trained to help people cope with suicidal thoughts.

We hope this information is helpful and that you contact us directly to keep talking about some of the issues you’re facing.

Stay strong,
NRS