death in family

[Guest]

I am on here for my Girlfriend.
on sunday march 9th my girlfriend and her uncle were hit head-on by a driver on the wrong side of the road. it was a hit and run, and they guy who hit them did not even stop. Her seat-belt was somehow cut from the glass and metal and she was thrown from the car. which ended up saving her life. there was nothing left of her side of the car. her uncle is a different story. he uncle was trapped inside the car as it flipped over several times. Heather was cut up and down her right side, and bruised up pretty badly, but mostly ok. her uncle at 5:30 AM 3/11/08 passed away.

Her uncle was closer than a father. her own parents hate her and treat her like dirt. she moved around a lot. living with her parents some times and living other times with her uncle.
she does not want to go back home, and has stayed with a friend until now. but her friend can't keep her forever and she wants to runaway, but has no place to go. she is 14, and I just turned 18, so if she came here I could get arrested. we don't know what to do and she is running out of options. what can be done legally in a time like this?

[ccsmod5]

Re: death in family

Hello,

Thank you for contacting us about your girlfriend's situation. She's luck to have someone like you in her her life to be watching out for her sometimes. That accident she went through is probably really difficult for her because she lost a major support system in her life. It also seems like the situation at home is pretty unbearable that she feels like she needs to saty away from there.

Do you know if there are any neutral places her and her parents could agree on that she could go to? A relative, family friend, etc? Would she be willing to go to a local shelter or a transitional living shelter?

Those are just a few options for her but could you tell us a little more concerning her home/living situation? Do you know what kind of stuff she endures at home or do you know about her experiences?

How have you been there for her? Seems like you are a big part of her life and it's great that you are doing some leg work to try and get her the help she needs. How do you think you can continue to be there for her?

If you or your girlfriend are willing and able, please give us a call 24hrs a day at 1800RUNAWAY so we can provide you with more answers to questions you may have.

Best of luck.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: death in family

Do you know if there are any neutral places her and her parents could agree on that she could go to? A relative, family friend, etc? Would she be willing to go to a local shelter or a transitional living shelter?

Those are just a few options for her but could you tell us a little more concerning her home/living situation? Do you know what kind of stuff she endures at home or do you know about her experiences?

How have you been there for her? Seems like you are a big part of her life and it's great that you are doing some leg work to try and get her the help she needs. How do you think you can continue to be there for her?

(My Girlfriend's name is Heather)
I don't know anything about shelters, but at this point I think she would be willing to go anywhere that would take care of her.
her uncle was the only neutral person in her life. we have spent days trying to find another one, but there are none. her uncle was all she had left.

as for Heather's home life...
Heather had a sister that was two years older. but that sister committed suicide almost two years ago. Heather's parents never really recovered from that. Heather's parents loved her sister, but they have made it clear that they don't love Heather. even sometimes going so far as to tell Heather that wished she was dead and her sister still alive.
Heather does have another sister that is younger than she is, but again Heather's parents favor the other one. Heather's deepest wish is to hear her father say "I love you" but she hasn't heard those words in years.

this is a conversation between Heather and her dad that she sent me. *warning* I have not edited this for content and the language is really strong.*

"Right now I totally ... my dad. He is such a pain and that's he'll
ever be. I don't exactly remember our argument that we had because I was
so mad at him, but I will try to remember as best as possible. First
you might want to know about my dad.

My dad he drinks and smokes. He stays out in his little building.
That's where he drinks and smokes. That's the only place he can drink and
smoke. And in the building there are some tools and stuff. It's full of
work stuff basically. And he supports my little sister more than me
because she plays sports. And what do you think he's into? SPORTS!!! My
little sister is a pitcher and she's very good, and I love her. But I'm
kind of mad at Dad because he supports her and my little brother Josh
more than me...

All I get from Dad is a "Do good in school. You're my brain..." And
then he'll go over to my little and say, "YOU ARE SO GOOD!! YOU MIGHT NEED
A LITTLE PRACTICE!! BUT I'LL HELP YOU!! I LOVE YOU..." I don't even
get those 3 little words.

Ok, now onto the arguement. It's basically about the story you just
heard ok...here we go:

I was watching TV and messing around on my laptop. It was about 9:00
that night. He came into the house smelling like smoke and alchol, his
usual smell. And he looked at me and said, "How's school going?" I
replied, "Good..." Then he wanted to fight.

Dad: "WELL SCHOOL MIGHT BE GOING FINE, BUT YOUR SMART MOUTH ISN'T!!"

Heather: "OH YEAH!! WELL WHAT ABOUT YOUR STUPID SUPPORT PROBLEM!! STOP THIS
FAVORITISM ...!!" Yes I curse, but I try not to do it all the time...

Dad: "...YOU!! I AM SO TIRED OF YOUR .... SMART MOUTH!!"

Heather: "WELL I AM TIRED OF YOU LIVING HERE! I WILL BE SO HAPPY WHEN I
MOVE TO MY HAPPY
LITTLE HOUSE IN CALIFORNIA!! WHILE YOU'RE LITTLE DRUKEN ... WILL STILL
BE SITING IN YOUR LITTLE BUILDING.

Dad: "I WILL BE HAPPY. BECAUSE I CAN'T TAKE YOUR ....SMART MOUTH
ANYMORE! YOU ...!!"

Heather: "FINE THEN ...!! WE'LL SEE WHO'S HAPPY!!"

Dad: "GET YOUR ...IN BED, NOW!!"

Heather: "THEN GET THE ...OUT OF MY FACE SO I CAN.""


this is the type of daily conversation she has, and not just with her dad, though he is the worst. her mom is very often just as mean and just as nasty.

as for how I have "been there" for her, well I only wish I could do more. Heather lives about a hour north of where I do. so I don't get to see her very often. the most I can do is talk to her on the phone and try to help talk her out of doing anything foolish. she listens to me, more than anyone else.
I live in ... (I know you will edit this... but anyway) and she lives in .... if you could give us some local #s that might could help us we would be very grateful.

[ccsmod8]

Re: death in family

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to respond in order to elaborate further on the situation with your friend and to look for resources for her in your area. You are certainly a good friend and seems to care a great deal for her. You should be proud of yourself because you have gone out of your way to ask for answers to help her and we want to commend you for just being a decent human being.

It sounds like your friend truly wants the affection from her dad to start coming at her because it was never thrown her way. It could be difficult for anyone to be apart of a family and see lots of love and engaging activities with others but not with her. We imagine that it is hard to look around for resources and there is none. It seems that trying to find someone to count on within the family came up just being an exhausting venture but in case no one was able to step up, we are here first of all, but we can find shelters for her. If she was trying to leave and not sure about where to stay, shelters are one option. However, shelters are required by law to notify the parents of the child's presence there in order to gain consent but at least it helps to protect others from being charged with harboring a runaway. In case you were worried about that or if you were considering her for your house, if you were worried not to be involved in an illegal way, it is just a reminder of what's out there for her.

We were not able to find much resources in your friend's city but found a place in your city called Sandhill's Center (a shelter) sat 704-694-6588 but it was sliding scale and not free resources. Do you know if your friend's city us actually ending with "ville" and not "boro." There seem to be some resources there in a city ending in "ville" with the first four letters in her city's name. Do you think your friend would call us because we want to be there for you and her. We are 24 hours and we are confidential. No is going to know that any of you called us. We feel that you two can benefit from talking to a lived person and we want to support all of you. Please consider this as one option and continue to be there for your friend. Good luck.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: death in family

yes I do know for sure that she lives in asheboro NC. I also know that Greenville is not that far away from her, so that is another place you could look.

I know she can't come to my house. legally that is impossible for two reasons.
1. I know she is still a minor. and I just turned 18, making me of legal age.
and
2. regardless of age, harboring a runaway is illegal.

like I said, I wish I could do more for her. if I myself get the chance I will call, but I know that right now she is being pulled in every direction and can barely get 5 minutes to call me. and her parents are checking every # she calls from her own cell phone. so she borrows when she can. but that is very limited.

thank you for your help. I will be traveling tomorrow night, so if I don't respond for a few days that is why. I just need to get some things together.

[Guest]

Re: death in family

just another thing I want to add is that I certainly do care for Heather greatly. She is my world.
I grew up in a very similar situation with my own parents. my mom was abusive, my dad didn't care and was never around. and things were very hard on me. well in my situation some things got better (and some worse) but simply because of my age I can do something about my home life.
Heather can't do anything about hers. she is too young to move out, but she really needs too. we have both found support in each-other. I can tell her things that I would never even tell my pastor (who is my best friend).
so yes I want to see the best for Heather and I want to do what I can.

[ccsmod2]

Re: death in family

Wow! Thanks for contacting us back here at NRS so quicky. This just further shows your loyalty and comittment to your friend in getting her some help. Not only is it good that you ar there for her as a support system, but you are able to offer her some of your very own experiences with some of the things that she may be going through. You said that you wish that you could do more, but let us tell you that you are doing a great job in trying to help your friend. You also said that it is very difficult for your friend to contact you, let alone us, but we just want to inform you that we are a toll free number. If at anytime your friend is alone and able to reach a payphone or something, she could definitely reach us.

In searching for some more resources for you, our database did not pick up anything from Asheboro or Greenville. Here is the number to the Covenant House Nineline 1-800-999-9999. They have a different database of alternative housing and may be able to pull up something that we weren't. If not, we will not give up as we are dedicated to helping you and your friend come up with options for her situation.

We certainly agree with what you mentioned that if you get a chance to call that you will. It is a good thing for you to travel and get some things situated. Be safe and just contact us here again whenever you have time. Our number is 1-800-RUNAWAY. Remember that we are confidential and that we are available 24/7!

[Guest]

Re: death in family

I'm finally back from my trip, and I have been able to talk to ...everyday since the accident.
I have not had a chance to call the hotline, and nether has ... but for now a few things have stabilized. her family still blames her for that accident, and she is still planning on moving asap but we think we know where she will go.
the questions we now have are

1. is it legal for ... to live on her uncle's old farm without her parents? for now ... owns the farm and is still running the business with the help of some experienced employees. but she wants to live on the farm.

and

2. is it legal for ...to own the farm at 14? again, for now she is doing it anyway, but we are worried that she will loose the farm because of her age.

[ccsmod8]

Re: death in family

Hello,

Welcome back! We are pleased that you have decided to stick with us as you try to decipher the issues surrounding your best friend and that you are able to come away from the experience with some good insights to help her better her situation. We imagine that it is not easy to set a time to call our crisis line but we usually request it so that people are able to fully appreciate the full nature of a one on one conversation with our liners. We are all here 24 hours a day to support you and your friend and hope that we can continue to offer some good options for remaining safe. It is nice to hear some things have changed because consistency is one way of assuring predictability and it is important to have both in order to nurture a safe environment. It seems that most of the tensions still stems from the inability of her parents to come to terms with their past and that is something that is able to be worked out in family therapy. Is that an option at this point?

We do not normally give legal advice but we can safely say that because your friend is still a minor, it is never easy to live outside of the realm of family, because the parents reserve the right to decide most of her life. It is not fair but it is just one of those things that parents are held responsible for, until they abuse that trust. In this case, it seems like they have already abuse that trust but in terms of legalities, it is within their rights until that right is given up. One issue to consider is emancipation but it is usually granted; if at all in some states, but one has to prove that they are able to take care of themselves financially and parents also need to sign off on it. The only way your friend is going to be able to live with her uncle, is whether some arrangement can be made between the family. It is one thing to own the farm and it certainly can help in proving her independence, but until she is given the right to contract or rights to act on her own regard, without parental consent, it is hard to know for sure whether it is something that can happen. It sounds like your friend is mature enough to make business decision with her farm and could very well add to her repertoire as an independent person, but what can you tell us of what needs to change for her to get some adults to back her? Are there adults at her school, or other professionals who are able to speak on her behalf? It is probably legal for her to own the farm if it was inherited but it is hard to say whether that gives her the right to contract if she is not emancipated yet. Unfortunately, this is one area in which we are not knowledgeable and is probably best left for someone in real estate or a lawyer with knowledge of property law. However, we are here to answer any other questions you may have and hope to hear from either of you. We hope that both of you find time to stay strong and remain safe. Good luck.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: death in family

1. It seems that most of the tensions still stems from the inability of her parents to come to terms with their past and that is something that is able to be worked out in family therapy. Is that an option at this point?

and


2. The only way your friend is going to be able to live with her uncle, is whether some arrangement can be made between the family.
-NRS

1. family therapy is way out of the picture. he mom would never agree to that. her mom is way to proud and wouldn't even go to therapy after her other daughter committed suicide.

2. her uncle is the one that died. the farm that he owned is still in the family and she wants to live there, but there would not be any adults living with her for most of the time.

in this state you have to be 16 before you can even consider being emancipated, and again, her parents would fight that tooth and nail.

[ccsmod2]

Re: death in family

Thanks for your reply. It seems like you are well aware of the ins and outs of Heather's situation. You feel certain that family therapy, living on the family farm, and being emancipated are not very good options for Heather. That is pretty unfortunate. Have you talked to Heather about some of those options to see what she thinks? How does she respond? Is there anything else you can think of that may be a better possiblity for help? Again, we are definitely here for you and here to help and will be as supportive as we can to you while you go through these issues with you friend. Let us do continue to recognize your efforts and dedication to getting help for Heather. You are a true friend and I am sure that she appreciates you!

[Guest]

Re: death in family

living on the farm would be great for her, and that is what she wants. the problem is that she would be alone most of the time (except during work hours) and her parents don't want her to move to the farm.
when her uncle was alive she lived on the farm with him as often as she could.


yes I do know that family therapy is not an option. that was already suggested and lets just say it didn't blow over too well with her mom or her dad.

Heather could make a great case for getting emancipated, and I am sure that she could win except that she would have to wait two years to do so. in this state one has to be 16 to be emancipated, and she is 14.

I wish that she could stay with me, but that is not possible because I just turned 18 and I am a guy. if she did come to stay with me her parents could put me in jail.
I have talked to her many times, she does not know what her options are, and nether do I. her parents are doing everything they can to make things harder for Heather to get away. every time we come up with another option something stands in the way.

[ccsmod1]

Re: death in family

It seems that there are a lot of obstacles between what Heather needs/wants to do and what she legally can do. This is definitely unfortunate, especially considering that she’s probably grieving on top of all of this. As we’ve written many times, you’ve a great support to Heather and she’s very lucky to have you. It probably hurts you to see her struggle like she is. Thanks for utilizing our bulletin board to process through all this and go over possible options. If you need something specific from us, feel free to post back. Otherwise, at this point it would probably be best to call if you’re willing and able. Our bulletins are usually not meant for ongoing communication, but we’re glad that we could help you thus far. We’d be more than happy to talk to you or Heather more in depth about the situation. We may not be able to provide you with solutions to all these problems, but we can at least just talk to you. Sometimes it helps to just be able to vent about difficult or frustrating situations. We encourage you to remain supportive to Heather as you surely will. Keep searching for options. If all else fails, in two years she can petition for emancipation. That probably seems like a long time to wait, but at the very least it's something to work towards.

Give us a call anytime, 24/7. We look forward to hearing from you.

[Guest]

Re: death in family

well, we thought that things were starting to level out, and we tried to "wait out" the problem for a couple of weeks. but that didn't work. Heather's parents kicked her out of the house last night. she stayed with her 18 y/o cousin last night, but she can't continue to stay with him. she needs a place to stay. remember, she is 14. I will try to call the hotline if I can find 1. a phone to call with (I'm on the road a lot right now) and 2. the time to call. I will try to get her to call as well.

[ccsmod6]

Re: death in family

Thank you for continuing this conversation and sharing more of your story. It sounds like things are still pretty rough for Heather at home. Has she told anyone that her parents have kicked her out of the house? Usually it is considered neglect for parents to kick their child out of the house. Do you think there is an adult in Heather’s life such as a teacher or doctor that she could talk to?

As we have said, she must really appreciate how caring and supportive you are. We are glad that you are there for her. It looks like we previously gave you the number to a shelter called Sandhill's Center (704-694-658 that is in your area and we have suggested calling the Covenant House Nineline at 1-800-999-9999 to find more alternative housing options. Have you or Heather tried contacting them? If Heather needs a safe place to stay, these resources might prove to be helpful.

At this point, we could probably be most useful to you and Heather through our hotline at 1-800-RUNAWAY. It can sometimes be hard to pick up the phone and call for help, but we are here 24 hours a day every day of the week and, since we are a toll free number, it is free to call us from any pay phone. We look foward to hearing from you when you are ready to call.

-NRS