Tweet
I am a 15 year old girl in California. I was born in San Francisco and moved to my current residence at the age of 6. It's around that time that I had my first suicidal thought. I've had more suicidal thoughts throughout the years.
I've attempted to analyze why this depression has come on to me, and found the main source of it, which is also one of the reasons why I want to leave this house:
My family
I am the eldest daughter of five girls. That in itself is something I hate. I don't have an older sister figure in my life. I can't look up to my mother, because we have very different interests. I can hardly talk to any aunts or older cousins, because they live at least an hour away from my house. And if I could, I would prefer not to since I'm sure they'd tell my parents sooner or later. Cousins are hard to look up to, since I barely see them and when I do, it's during parties. (Parties = troubles? What troubles?) My cousins see each other all the time and are always talking to each other, generally about happy things. I just feel excluded whenever I see them. It's hard to keep up with their energy, too, especially when I'm feeling down.
I do not trust my sisters. I show them the same personality I show people in public: happy, hard-working, positive, idealistic. Although I do get angry at them a lot, I never share these suicidal feelings with them. The second oldest is 13, and the athlete of the family. She plays basketball, volleyball, and would like to play flag football. She is pretty, has had numerous boyfriends (while I have had none), is popular, and the teachers love her. She's a very good athlete, which gets the attention of my father. The middle child has recently turned 11, she is the performer of the family. We were going to take her out of her dance school due to money issues, but the director of the school offered a discount for her. She's now taking twice as many classes as she did last year. She's usually the center of my mother's concerns. The fourth daughter, age 9. It's too soon to say, but she seems like the artistic type. She enjoys singing, drawing, and video games, is probably my favorite sister, and seems like my father's favorite. The youngest, age 8. Quite stereotypically, the brat. Always gets the attention of everyone. Where do I fit into this misfit group of girls? I'm the smart one. The quiet, detached, introverted older sister, who is somehow always standing alone in the corner watching her sisters be successful and happy.
It's no lie that I hate my parents. Everything they do irritates me. One of my earliest memories is crying from threats of my dad getting his belt or his slipper out (don't misunderstand, he was not abusive. He hasn't done anything like this since all of us have turned five). They don't notice anything. Whenever I explode or let my emotions take over, they just say, "What's wrong with you?!" They haven't said anything, even when it's been going on for years. My aunts and cousins have already noticed something's wrong, yet my own parents are blind to everything. They're too preoccupied with the other four in my family to really take what's going on with me into account.
School
I hate school. HATE it. I don't feel like I'm learning what I want to learn. In the one class where I enjoy what I'm learning, Ethics, I think I'm the only one who likes it. I want to learn how the brain and the mind work, why people do what they do, and what helps people who are mentally ill. (This might seem ironic to some people.) I don't want all this math and chemicals and history! I didn't mention languages, because I love languages and learning to communicate with people. But again, I'm one of the few people who enjoy English and Spanish, etc. I hate homework. It seems like a waste of time to me. I feel like I learn enough in school; homework doesn't really teach me anything more either, it just reviews what I learned earlier in the day. Not to mention it adds to the stress of everything else. It's not that I don't do well in school, I have A's and occasionally B+'s. But all this work is draining what little energy I have left. I commute, and get an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night, on nights when I can get to sleep and stay asleep.
I don't like to say this, but I always get the feeling that the people at my school are being fake. Even some of my closest friends give off an aura that screams "fake." And I have to be fake, too. And since I'm always being fake, there isn't someone I trust that I can talk to. It takes a lot of energy to keep up this facade of "perfect," as my friends dubbed me in fourth grade. By the end of the school day, I'm dead beat, and not ready for the next hour or so of dance. By the time I get home, it's 8 or 9. I do homework until around midnight, and have to wake up at 5 again in the morning. Repeat the schedule for every Monday through Friday.
With everyone blissfully unaware of my heartache (not to mention bodyache), it's hard for me to live at home. It's hard to see all these people living life as it comes when I'm struggling to keep everything together.
- I've considered drinking, I've considered smoking, but how could I hide these things? My dad would realize someone's been drinking his beer and my mom would smell the smoke on my clothes. Not that they'd talk to me about it, or that I'd talk to them about it. But it would make home life significantly awkward. They would tell someone, maybe my godmother or one of my friends and BAM, the perfect image I've worked so hard to keep would be ruined in one phone call.
- I've considered over the counter drugs. I really wish I could get these drugs. The question is, when would I get them, when my only source of transportation is my parents? And if they take me to a drugstore, how do I buy them without them noticing?
- I've tried getting into things like manga and anime, foreign dramas, etc. But these just take time out of my day. They have been my only source of comfort over the years, but recently they've been a hindrance. I've had no choice but to abandon them.
- I've considered suicide. Don't get me wrong, I'm don't want to kill myself simply because I don't want to do homework. I'm tired. Just plain tired of everything. Of family, of friends, of school, of trying to live happily, of failing to live happily. It's all too tiring. I just want to sleep, forever.
But the thought of dying scares me, especially dying painfully. Hanging myself scares me, cutting myself scares me, I've thought of just plain stabbing myself, but that also scares me. I wish I could overdose on Ibu Profen, but the chances of surviving are high and if I survive I would have to deal with what happens after, which would just make my life worse. I've thought of suffocating myself, but I don't know where I can get helium to numb myself so I don't instinctively react.
And if I succeeded in killing myself, what would happen to my soul? Those who commit suicide... go to hell right?
Because of my fear, I've decided that I don't want to die. I want a new life, away from what I'm experiencing now. I don't want to have to be perfect around friends that I should trust, I don't want to hate people I should love. I want to run away.
But I don't know where to go.
I know how I can leave my city. I just need to take a bus to a nearby city, and take the ferry to SF. After that, Bart can take me to other places where I can get on more buses to get me wherever I want to go. Where do I go?
I don't know why I decided to post to this bulletin board. Maybe it was to get help in finding a place to go, or maybe I wanted someone to talk me out of this idea, I don't know. All I know is I had to tell someone. I can't keep it together anymore. Please help me.
I've attempted to analyze why this depression has come on to me, and found the main source of it, which is also one of the reasons why I want to leave this house:
My family
I am the eldest daughter of five girls. That in itself is something I hate. I don't have an older sister figure in my life. I can't look up to my mother, because we have very different interests. I can hardly talk to any aunts or older cousins, because they live at least an hour away from my house. And if I could, I would prefer not to since I'm sure they'd tell my parents sooner or later. Cousins are hard to look up to, since I barely see them and when I do, it's during parties. (Parties = troubles? What troubles?) My cousins see each other all the time and are always talking to each other, generally about happy things. I just feel excluded whenever I see them. It's hard to keep up with their energy, too, especially when I'm feeling down.
I do not trust my sisters. I show them the same personality I show people in public: happy, hard-working, positive, idealistic. Although I do get angry at them a lot, I never share these suicidal feelings with them. The second oldest is 13, and the athlete of the family. She plays basketball, volleyball, and would like to play flag football. She is pretty, has had numerous boyfriends (while I have had none), is popular, and the teachers love her. She's a very good athlete, which gets the attention of my father. The middle child has recently turned 11, she is the performer of the family. We were going to take her out of her dance school due to money issues, but the director of the school offered a discount for her. She's now taking twice as many classes as she did last year. She's usually the center of my mother's concerns. The fourth daughter, age 9. It's too soon to say, but she seems like the artistic type. She enjoys singing, drawing, and video games, is probably my favorite sister, and seems like my father's favorite. The youngest, age 8. Quite stereotypically, the brat. Always gets the attention of everyone. Where do I fit into this misfit group of girls? I'm the smart one. The quiet, detached, introverted older sister, who is somehow always standing alone in the corner watching her sisters be successful and happy.
It's no lie that I hate my parents. Everything they do irritates me. One of my earliest memories is crying from threats of my dad getting his belt or his slipper out (don't misunderstand, he was not abusive. He hasn't done anything like this since all of us have turned five). They don't notice anything. Whenever I explode or let my emotions take over, they just say, "What's wrong with you?!" They haven't said anything, even when it's been going on for years. My aunts and cousins have already noticed something's wrong, yet my own parents are blind to everything. They're too preoccupied with the other four in my family to really take what's going on with me into account.
School
I hate school. HATE it. I don't feel like I'm learning what I want to learn. In the one class where I enjoy what I'm learning, Ethics, I think I'm the only one who likes it. I want to learn how the brain and the mind work, why people do what they do, and what helps people who are mentally ill. (This might seem ironic to some people.) I don't want all this math and chemicals and history! I didn't mention languages, because I love languages and learning to communicate with people. But again, I'm one of the few people who enjoy English and Spanish, etc. I hate homework. It seems like a waste of time to me. I feel like I learn enough in school; homework doesn't really teach me anything more either, it just reviews what I learned earlier in the day. Not to mention it adds to the stress of everything else. It's not that I don't do well in school, I have A's and occasionally B+'s. But all this work is draining what little energy I have left. I commute, and get an average of 4-5 hours of sleep a night, on nights when I can get to sleep and stay asleep.
I don't like to say this, but I always get the feeling that the people at my school are being fake. Even some of my closest friends give off an aura that screams "fake." And I have to be fake, too. And since I'm always being fake, there isn't someone I trust that I can talk to. It takes a lot of energy to keep up this facade of "perfect," as my friends dubbed me in fourth grade. By the end of the school day, I'm dead beat, and not ready for the next hour or so of dance. By the time I get home, it's 8 or 9. I do homework until around midnight, and have to wake up at 5 again in the morning. Repeat the schedule for every Monday through Friday.
With everyone blissfully unaware of my heartache (not to mention bodyache), it's hard for me to live at home. It's hard to see all these people living life as it comes when I'm struggling to keep everything together.
- I've considered drinking, I've considered smoking, but how could I hide these things? My dad would realize someone's been drinking his beer and my mom would smell the smoke on my clothes. Not that they'd talk to me about it, or that I'd talk to them about it. But it would make home life significantly awkward. They would tell someone, maybe my godmother or one of my friends and BAM, the perfect image I've worked so hard to keep would be ruined in one phone call.
- I've considered over the counter drugs. I really wish I could get these drugs. The question is, when would I get them, when my only source of transportation is my parents? And if they take me to a drugstore, how do I buy them without them noticing?
- I've tried getting into things like manga and anime, foreign dramas, etc. But these just take time out of my day. They have been my only source of comfort over the years, but recently they've been a hindrance. I've had no choice but to abandon them.
- I've considered suicide. Don't get me wrong, I'm don't want to kill myself simply because I don't want to do homework. I'm tired. Just plain tired of everything. Of family, of friends, of school, of trying to live happily, of failing to live happily. It's all too tiring. I just want to sleep, forever.
But the thought of dying scares me, especially dying painfully. Hanging myself scares me, cutting myself scares me, I've thought of just plain stabbing myself, but that also scares me. I wish I could overdose on Ibu Profen, but the chances of surviving are high and if I survive I would have to deal with what happens after, which would just make my life worse. I've thought of suffocating myself, but I don't know where I can get helium to numb myself so I don't instinctively react.
And if I succeeded in killing myself, what would happen to my soul? Those who commit suicide... go to hell right?
Because of my fear, I've decided that I don't want to die. I want a new life, away from what I'm experiencing now. I don't want to have to be perfect around friends that I should trust, I don't want to hate people I should love. I want to run away.
But I don't know where to go.
I know how I can leave my city. I just need to take a bus to a nearby city, and take the ferry to SF. After that, Bart can take me to other places where I can get on more buses to get me wherever I want to go. Where do I go?
I don't know why I decided to post to this bulletin board. Maybe it was to get help in finding a place to go, or maybe I wanted someone to talk me out of this idea, I don't know. All I know is I had to tell someone. I can't keep it together anymore. Please help me.
Comment