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I'm 17, and I want to get away from my mom, but i don't know what to do

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  • I'm 17, and I want to get away from my mom, but i don't know what to do

    This is my first time using this website so bear with me.
    Where to begin though? My mom is honestly crazy. She's a narcissist and a gas lighter, and as I grow older, the more I realize that she's been doing things that qualify her as crazy my entire life. I don't mean for this to be a rant post, but I need to get all this information out there so I don't feel like I'm crazy. I've wanted to get away from my mother for years, but I'm scared that she's going to call the cops on me and never let me see my friends again if I try to move to my dad's house. I know I can go to court and either get emancipated (which requires my own car, and I don't want to call my mom abusive in front of the whole court, that's terrifying, what if I'm wrong?), or I can move in with my biological dad, who has been separated from my mom since I was born, except my mom has told me word for word that she will do "whatever it takes to keep me away from my dad's house."

    So let me just start with information because that's the only way I know how to start. I live primarily with my biological mom, stepdad, and half-sibling (non-binary). Every other weekend, I visit my biological dad and his fiancee. I grew up feeling like every negative emotion I showed was manipulation and fake, because when I was little, my mom would put me in time out in my room, and of course I would cry; except my mom would tell me that the tears were fake and I was doing it for sympathy. I can't use Dawn dish soap anymore; the smell makes me gag from when my mom would wash my mouth out for saying things like "heck" or "frick." I never learned how to tie my shoes properly because my "learning" was my mom shutting me in my room at like 3 or 4 (I don't remember exactly), and telling me I wasn't allowed to come out and play with my friends until it was dinner time or I had learned to tie my shoes.

    As I got older, it got worse. At the end of 5th grade, we had no place to live, so we moved in with a family "friend." No one liked her and she was objectively worse than my mom. I barely remember anything from that other than being forced to sit in front of a fishtank for 3 days in a row (aside from bed) and not being allowed to read or talk to anyone, or look at anyone or the tv because I didn't dust the counters properly. We almost got kicked out because of stuff like that, like my stepdad got grass on their sidewalk and they almost got kicked out, but the thing that stands out the most clearly for me is that my mother never once stood up for me. I started seriously considering killing myself as a 5th grader because I thought it would help my family.

    In 6th grade I moved in with my grandma while the rest of my family stayed with the woman. My grandma constantly made comments about my body, so I starved myself. In 7th grade, I was mostly over it, I moved back in with my mom in the same house we'd lived in from kindergarten to 3rd grade. I was really excited because middle school meant clubs, and I had been in a lot of clubs in 6th grade. I was not allowed to do anything other than band, because my mom didn't want to drive me around. Reasonable but still disappointing. In 7th grade, things got bad for me, because I started discovering things about my identity. As of 2023, I am genderfluid and pansexual, but back in 7th grade I just thought I was bisexual. A "friend" outed me to my mom, who told me I was disgusting, and if I was going to "go around telling people I was bisexual, then I would never be allowed to have a sleepover with a friend again, or be alone with anyone." I really wish I was being dramatic but that conversation has been burned in my mind for years. In 7th grade, I cut myself for the first time. I didn't hide it well, and my parents saw it of course. But they yelled at me, laughed at me, and asked if I was "trying to be emo."

    When I was in 8th grade, I got a boyfriend. We made stupid decisions. We sent explicit pictures over insta and discord. I lost my virginity at 15. My mom found out because one of my friends called a private investigator on me. My mom brings it up every time I make a mistake, and likes to tell random people about it. Like literally, family friends will get to hear an earful about how I sent nudes to my boyfriend and I'm such a bad kid etc etc.

    Also when I was in 8th grade, I had a strapless dress that my friend gave me; it didn't fit the dress code but I wanted to wear it to school. I told my mom, and I also told her I could wear leggings under it and a jacket over it, I just wanted to wear the dress. She said she "wasn't trying to raise a whore" and told me that if she ever caught me wearing that dress, she would burn it (I just recently gave that dress away, and my mom's first sentence was "Oh, your sister would look nice in this" because my sister gets to wear whatever she wants or doesn't want at 12). A different time that year, I told my mom that a 4 year old had a crush on me, because he did, the child was sliding his arm around my shoulders and saying "sup" and saying he wanted to marry me, so I told my mom that. My stepdad called me a pedophile because of that.
    I wanted to move to my dad's a couple years ago, and told my mom. My stepdad blew up and told me that I was going to end up pregnant at 18 and on the streets because I just wanted to go to my dad's house to have sex with boys (which was completely untrue of course, I wanted to move to my dad's house so I could have a little bit of freedom)

    When we moved into this new trailer, I got the smaller room even though a) I have more stuff, and b) I'm older and larger, but I got the room that is literally so tiny I can lay down and stretch my arms over my head and touch both walls. My mom's basis for this was because I "don't live here full time" even though I go to my dad's maybe 2 or 3 times a month. She also likes to barge into my room without knocking, and leave without closing the door, and every time I really, really politely ask her to knock (because my 12 year old sister can knock), or close the door, or give me privacy because she likes to walk in while I'm changing, her automatic answer, 100% of the time is "So you want me to take your door off it's hinges?". She also likes to tell me that I'm a minor and I have no rights, and I "dont deserve priivacy."

    My mom complains that she has to spend money on me constantly, to the point where one time I got a UTI twice in a year and even though I was in severe pain and it almost gave me a kidney infection, my mom refused to take me to the doctor because she didn't want to waste money on meds when she'd already paid for UTI medicine once already.

    Last year they went through my tablet and found my discord account, where they discovered my identity as genderfluid. I had a whole talk where I was called disgusting, retarded, stupid, and told that it "wasnt right in god's eyes"

    My mom also complains every time I have to do something after school and she has to drive me, even though she literally has nothing she's doing. I'm in color guard, band, and recently I was a soloist with my flute at church. I'm dating a guy and the first time they heard this, their automatic response was that we're having sex (we haven't), and my stepdad doesn't want to meet him because they've been in the same place and my boyfriend didn't introduce himself. (I told my boyfriend to stay away from my stepdad because he's always got something crappy to say). Every time they mention him now it's to talk crap about him and make me feel bad for keeping him away from my mom and stepdad.

    I recently got my license as well, and was told that the car they bought me was only allowed to be used for school and work purposes. This also means that I can't drive it to color guard practice after school, and I can't drive it to church.

    I also finally got my own phone, except my stepdad downloaded an app that not only tracks my location, but also alerts him for literally everything; violence, cussing, nudity, I get that, but also if I text someone I'm coughing, it triggers for safety. He's also attached it to my facebook, school and private email, text messages, and literally every other app I use. And that's not even the best part. This app gives him literally every text I send if it's inappropriate, so he would be able to see any inappropriate conversations between me and my boyfriend, which I get because of what happened with my other boyfriend. So I have virtually no privacy already, but he still goes through all of my texts at the end of the day LITERALLY just to see what we're talking about, so i have zero privacy.

    My sibling also gets similar treatment, but my parents are much easier on them. I just hate living here, every day is a struggle for me not to go off on my mom; and I feel guilty half the time because she's still my mom, but she's a terrible person who makes me feel like i'm not a person. I'm set to graduate early and possibly move out in a year when I turn 18, but I don't know if I can wait that long. My stepdad jumps down my throat and yells at me every day at this point, and I can't do anything right or be trusted even though I haven't done anything wrong at this point.

    I just don't know what to do, I can't be myself at any point, and I have to go behind my parents back to do things like, be called my preferred name.

    Thank you for your help, I'm so sorry for the super long post
    Last edited by ccsmod5; 02-15-2023, 08:16 AM.

  • #2
    Hi there,

    Thank you for reaching out to NRS. We are glad that you found us as a potential resource to help you process your thoughts in a safe space. You never need to apologize for writing a “long” post. It’s important to share what you are going through flowingly and it sounds like for a very long time that you haven’t had that safe space to do so. It takes a lot of bravery to reach out for help, so we acknowledge your strength.

    To start, you are never crazy for whatever feelings you experience – those emotions, thoughts, and feelings are unique to you and are your own truth. From what you shared, it sounds like the relationship between your mom and biological dad has been a strained relationship. It’s never easy to find a relationship with one parent (i.e. your mom) very difficult and to not have another parent to turn to when you are seeking refuge. To be talked down to negatively and not have your feelings validated is a form of emotional abuse. Our hearts go out to you.

    It sounds like your childhood caused you to grow up very fast and learn how to be independent and alone very early on. We are sorry to hear that. You deserve, even as a young adult now, to be treated with warmth, compassion, unconditional love, and taught how to do various life activities. You also deserve to be respected based upon your gender and sexual identity. From what you shared, it seems like both mom and stepdad do not understand how damaging their hurtful words and misunderstanding of what your reality truly is. You deserve to be seen for you and to be embraced with equal love – no matter your identity or who you love. A resource that you may find some comfort is called The Trevor Project: or call their hotline at 866-488-7396. They provide crisis intervention and support to the LGBTQ youth. Another mental wellness support resource is called NAMI: or call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). We are, of course, always here for you, but perhaps you may find additional strength and support in a community that also may have experience with what you are going through.

    We are here as support to help through this challenging time. If you would like to talk more in detail please call or chat soon. Our contact information is 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929); (click on the chat button). If you are at risk of any danger or feeling unsafe, we encourage you to reach out to 911 or seek emergency assistance immediately.

    Please be safe,
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!


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