I don't know what to do anymore, but everything hurts

[Guest]

Back in September I lost my best friend, and he was my cousin through my steps dad's sister. We both live in households that are unsupportive of anything lgbtq, and he was ftm trans. He was my best friend for ten years, but then he hung himself. He had a boyfriend, and they found pregnancy tests in his room. My mom took it out on me, and jumped to the conclusion that since he was hiding stuff then I was too. I don't feel safe around my mom, and no matter what I try to do to get her to love me, I know she only loves the idea of a perfect daughter. Once before she found out I had told some of my friends I liked girls and decided to go by a different name to feel more comfortable in my bldy. My friends supported me, but my mom threatened to put me in homeschool to take my only friends away and told me I was going to hell for being gay. I lied and talked about a girl who had been harassing me at school, who was trans so my mom liked her less. That got her off my back for a while, but she still brings it up saying my friends are brainwashing me. Any time I have suicidal thoughts or seem sad she yells at me telling me I'm selfish and should know how much suicide hurts a family because my stepdad and best friend both did it. My mom is the only immediate adult family I have, and she makes me hate myself for not being good enough for her. All I want is her love and support, but her yelling makes my heart beat faster and my head spin and makes me want to throw up. I don't have a phone, so there's nobody I can call. I'm worried if I tell the school councilor or ask cps for help through a friend, then things will get worse. It's not always bad and I make good grades, but on a down day she would yell and say horrible things and accuse me of drug use all the time. I'm so tired of everything, and I feel like if I can't be who she wants me to be, then I could lose everything. My friends came up with a plan where I could run to their house and their mom would call cps because she agreed to the plan, but I'd just be taken back to my mom where things would get worse. I'm tired of feeling like everything that makes me happy could be taken away at any moment just because I'm not who my mom wants me to be. I just want her to love and accept me, but I'm so so scared of her in reality. I don't know what to do anymore, but I feel so alone.

[ccsmod15]

Hi, thanks for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline and sharing your story. We know that takes a lot of bravery.

We are so sorry for your loss. We are also so sorry to hear about your mom. You deserve to live in a house where you feel safe and loved. Your sexuality is valid. If you are feeling suicidal you can reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s 24/7 live chat at their website www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. It is great to hear that you have such supportive and helpful friends that you can talk to. You are not alone. We understand your fear of talking to your school counselor, so are there any other trusted adults in your life you would feel comfortable speaking to, like another family member, teacher, friend’s parent, or therapist? It is great to hear that living with your mom is not always bad, but in those times when it is going to a friend’s house sounds like a great idea. Would she ever let you sleep over at a friend’s house? Your friend’s plan for you to stay with them also sounds like it would be good for your mental health. If you feel uncertain about calling cps while you are at your friend’s house we also offer a conference call service in which you could call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY and we could mediate a call between you and your mom. We would also be happy to help you reach out to cps or reach out to cps on your behalf if you want to give us a call from your friend’s house or chat with us at our website. If you decide to stay at your friend’s house, it can be important to consider how you are going to get there and what you are going to bring with you, including school supplies and important documents. If you run away your mom could file a runaway report about you in which you would be returned home if found, but those chances could be reduced if there is an open cps case about your mom. Your friend’s parents could also get in trouble for harboring a runaway. If you would like to give us a call or chat with us on our website, we could talk through a plan with you.

Thank you again for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline. You are so strong. Feel free to reach out again anytime by giving us a call or chatting with us at our website as we are available 24/7 and are completely confidential. Best of luck!

[Guest]

I'm not allowed to stay with friends or have friends over, so I can't get away from her that way. I can't talk to an adult or cps, because that'd make things worse likely. I've always tried hard to please her, but she always yells. When I was a kid and she had split custody over me between my biological dad, she'd yell at me saying I was lying that he didn't hurt me when I got back to her house from his. Eventually he did hurt me, and she got full custody of me. I sometimes feel trapped in the bad memories of her yelling, or what my dad did, or my step dad. I don't know how to get better. I feel trapped in this house, and I feel like school is my only safe place. I feel like my mom could take everything away from me whenever she wants, and she tells me it all the time. I've become so scared of her calling me another lesbian slur I've started fake dating my gay friend who goes to church so she'll leave me alone. But I feel like it's only a matter of time before she finds out and takes everything away. I don't want to lose my friends, but I don't know what to do without my mom because she's all I've ever had.

[ccsmod10]

It sounds like the way your mom has treated you has left you feeling vulnerable, controlled, and scared. The things you're describing are often classified as emotional abuse; it often results in one person having emotional control/power over another. That's not fair to you. You deserve to feel free, supported, accepted, and loved.

When it comes to "dealing" with your mom and the circumstances she's forced you into, you have options. You can, if you wish to, choose to keep things as they are (though it sounds like that might continue your misery). You can choose to try to change your circumstances (might include talking with your mom in a new way, finding other people to talk with her to help her understand, demonstrate how hurt you are by her actions. You could also choose to leave or try to live somewhere else). You can also choose to change the way you think about things. If it doesn't seem like your mom changing is likely, then you can change the extent to which you let her affect you. Understanding that she is likely acting out of her own hurt and/or lack of knowledge/understanding can make tolerating her behavior easier. Trying to gain more of an understanding of what motivates her behavior might also ease some of the suffering you feel from her behavior. Or reinvest your energy into things and people that you enjoy, rather than attaching your happiness to her behavior.

We encourage you to keep reaching out. Talking about it your situation is on the path to recovery, so please don't hesitate to contact us again.

[Guest]

I'll be turning fifteen in a little over a month, is there a way I can get out of her custody legally?

[ccsmod11]

Thanks for reaching back out!

It sounds like you are thinking about emancipation, which is a very complex legal process where you would legally become your own guardian. It is not an easy process and few youth complete the process each year. We are not legal experts, but here are some things to know about emancipation:

1. Emancipation laws and ages are different in every state. You can search (your state) emancipation laws to learn more.
2. It requires you to prove to a court that you can provide for yourself. You would have to prove that you have a place to stay and a steady source of income
3. It can be very expensive and take a long time depending on your situation.

The best way to learn more and to talk to a law professional to get started would be to contact your local juvenile courthouse (search (your county) juvenile courthouse for their phone number). We would also encourage you again to reach out to us via online chat or by calling 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-880-9860). You can speak privately to a real person and get personalized help. Thank you again for reaching back out and we wish you the best of luck with everything!

[Guest]

It's been a while since I've written, but things have gotten worse. I've turned 15, but we're leaving Florida. My mom is getting married to a preacher in Mississippi, and he's not the greatest person. He's racist, homophobic, and a backyard breeder with dogs. He's easier to put up with than my mom, but moving to Mississippi means I'd have to wait until 21 to leave and would have no way of talking to the people who actually care about me.

I tried confronting my mom on the things she's done, but she pinned the blame on me for it all. When she asked for my opinion on moving, I was honest and told her I didn't want to; but she called me selfish and said it wasn't about what I wanted.

My mom getting married next month was the last straw, so I went to my school guidance counselor. She talked with me about a few things, but I haven't told her the full scope of the situation yet. I'm worried telling her would risk everything I'm trying to keep. She asked if I had family to stay in Florida with, and I do- just not that my mom would allow.

I don't want to lose my life here, but going to Mississippi means losing myself. The people there are largely homophobic from what I've heard, and the county I'm moving to allows corporal punishment and it's an awful place. I'm concerned telling the guidance counselor would out me as homosexual to all my family and none of them would take me in, and then I'd be drifting through homes and I don't even know that I'd do for school then.

I tried bringing up how bad the schools there are to my mom, but she laughed at me and called me a liar. She said she's been wanting to take me put of my current school for a very long time because she thinks I'm being brainwashed and peer pressure into being gay. She said the new school would be good for me because there would "hopefully be less gay people to corrupt me." People like me in the lgbtq community are the only people I have who fully care about me and support me for who I am.

I don't know how to stop the move and stay here in Florida, or if I can even stay at the same school of possible. Should I tell my guidance counselor more about what she does and risk cps getting involved? Cps would be a great help, but if one of the workers decides I'm not in any actual harm I could be stuck in an even worse situation.

I just don't know what to do and am so tired of losing people. I want to stay, but I don't know if I can. My mom only loves me when I am who she wants me to be, and that's not me. This isn't okay, but I don't know how to fix it. I'm also worried I'd be separated from my little brother, and growing up she told me things like: "don't be so depressed, your childhood wasn't as bad as mine." I don't want him to have to go through years of that too.

Please, give me advice on what to do next.

[ccsmod3]

Hi, thanks for reaching out again. It sounds like you are really worried about the upcoming move and not wanting to go which is understandable given that it sounds like you are moving to a more homophobic place and would be separated from people you know in the LGBTQ community. It sounds like you are wanting to stay somewhere maybe with family in Florida and that could be a possibility if your mom gives permission. It also sounds like you have opened up more and shared some of the things you have been experiencing with your counselor and are wondering if you should share everything and potentially get CPS involved. That is always an options and we cannot tell you what to do as it is your choice. We also cannot guarantee the outcome of a CPS investigation, but you do always deserve to be treated with respect and accepted for who you are.

If you would like to discuss this further or possible options, please either call our hotline 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or chat us online at 1800runaway.org. We hope to hear from you soon.
Be safe,
NRS