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my mother is making me feel s*icidal

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  • my mother is making me feel s*icidal

    I honestly don't know what to do at this point.

    Growing up, I've always been treated as if I were less than my sister by my mom, wether she was aware that she was treating me this way or not. She always gave 100% of her attention to my sister, and ever since I was old enough to process my thoughts I've felt like I'm just an extra piece of baggage that she never wanted to carry, and that my sister is the perfect child she loves.
    Its caused me to have next to no self esteem, and the belief that everyone secretly hates Mr and would be better off if I wasn't around. And no matter how much I am told or try to tell myself that this isn't true, I still believe it wholeheartedly and I hate that I do.
    ​​​​​My dad has done his best to be there for me though, just to give credit where credit is due.

    However, my relationship with my mother is leaving me exhausted and making me wish that I had never been born, so that I wouldn't be causing her constant issues and always making her angry when I so much as breathe. It seems like I can never do anything right when it comes to her, and I always feel that I have to hide my true thoughts and feelings in order to avoid getting hurt even more by her words.
    My mom will sometimes act super nice to me one moment, and then snap the next just because I said something that she didn't necessarily agree with, and it makes me even more confused and sad, wondering where I went wrong. I feel like I can't have my own emotions and that she just wants me to be a mimicking robot version of her who never disagrees with her or ever tries to stand up for itself when she isn't being fair in the slightest.

    It feels like the only solution and way to finally make her happy and proud is to run away one night end my life, and I keep having intrusive thoughts of s*icide and wishing/hoping for death. Sometimes I even wake up angry at myself for still being alive.
    I wish I could move away to escape her for good, but I'm sixteen so that's a good ways off and I really don't know if I can take another two years of this.

    Do you have any tips at all on handling a toxic mother and/or why she might be treating me this way? Or maybe ways i can change my ways of thinking or help me to find joy in living again without feeling like I'll never be enough? I'm just at a loss for words at this point and I don't know what to think or how to act when it comes to her and it makes me feel absolutely horrible.
    Also I've already went to therapy a couple times and gotten a prescription to help with my anxiety and depression, but one day my mom stopped taking me to therapy and I don't know why, and I don't think my meds are working that well anymore. Short version, I don't think therapy/medication is a viable solution at this point in my life, at least not with her watching my every move.

    I'm sorry to be a downer, but I really needed to talk about this even if its just anonymously to a bunch of strangers on the internet.
    Thank you for what you do and allowing people like me some semblance of a safe space.

  • #2
    Hi there,
    Thank you for writing to us here at National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on with your mother. It sounds like you’re quite overwhelmed by things at home right now. It sounds like you’re fearing that the situation may end in suicide if things don’t change. Your safety and well-being is important. If you are at risk of any danger or feeling unsafe, we encourage you to reach out to 911 or seek emergency assistance immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255); www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org is also a great resource to reach out to in addition to our crisis services. A great resource for processing feelings and information on how to develop coping skills is the National Alliance on Mental Illness or NAMI. You can get in touch with them by phone, (800)950-6264, through their website nami.org, or text by sending "NAMI" to 741741.
    Often, having a safe space to share how you’re feeling may bring a variety of solutions previously not thought of. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. This may be an isolating and lonely time for you, but you are not alone in this. We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time.
    If you would like to talk more in detail please call or chat soon. Our contact information is 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929); www.1800runaway.org (click on the chat button).​
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
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