I don’t really know if I have a right to these feelings.

[Guest]

I posted something before but I don’t know if I did it right so I’m going to try again.

I have been 16 for 2 months now and I’m thinking about running away.

Here is my current life: I’m a 16 year old girl. I have straight A’s in school. I have habits and symptoms related to anxiety (phobias, nausea when nervous, hyperventilation, social isolation) and depression (suicidal thoughts, shutting down when faced with problems, numbness,) and I often think in extremes (EX: eat everything in the house or don’t eat all day). I live with just my mom. We are upper middle class and I can have everything I could ever want, except a good relationship with her.

Here is why I want to abandon it: Yes, she gives me a lot of stuff and money a privileges, but I never ask for them, and after she gives them to me, if I don’t use them she yells at me and calls me ungrateful. Also, let’s say I ask for extra ice cream one night or forget to do a chore or two, she yells at me for 20 minutes. She tells me that I am a horrible selfish person and I’m ruining my own life. She says I have no empathy for others, points out my weight and my pimples, and just criticizes me a lot. She says I think I know everything and she says I think everyone has to bow down to me. I personally don’t think I’m a terrible person. I have told some of my friends about her reactions and they say I’m not a terrible person. Others who have witnessed her behavior (such as teachers, family) say that I’m just a normal kid and she over reacts. One time, when I was 8 years old, the doctor said I may have depression or need to see a therapist. My mother got angry and told the doctor that I was “a happy child” and ever since then I lie on all my mental health check ins. By age 9, I had a few suicide plans, and by 13 I was full on suicidal. I attempted once at 14, and have only told 2 of my friends, my mother does not know to this day. Every time I have an argument with her, I feel like committing. Every time someone calls me selfish now, I think of her, and I panic for a few seconds. The only reason I’m still around is because of one of my friends who loves and accepts me for everything I am. I don’t know if I have a right to feel this way, and I don’t know if it is something I have a right to run away over. Does anyone have an opinion? I don’t think my mom is a bad person, I just think she is a bad mother. Maybe I need to be told I’m crazy or maybe I need to be told I’m not.

Here is my plan: I have a friend in WA, the one who loves me, so that’s where I plan on going. I currently live in SoCal so I plan on A, getting a bus/train ticket, or B, catching a flight. If I want a few months, my mom is going to buy me a car that I could drive away with. I have a few bank account in my name. If I go to the banks I could be able to pull out a few thousand dollars cash. Or, I could steal my moms credit cards, because, well, she owes me a few thousand dollars cash. I would take as much cash as I could get then be on my way. I plan on attempting to get a job as a live-in nanny or maid, or I plan on getting an apartment, and working a different job. My friend prefers that I finish high school, but says that if it is really that bad, I could finish high school in Washington. This friend and I also plan on getting married as soon as we can. After that I would be a housewife then a stay at home mom. No, he is not the reason I’m running way, in fact, he would prefer that I wait, but if I’m going to do it, he has agreed to help me (even though I won’t ask for it unless it’s an emergency).

Here are my questions:
Am I crazy?
Should I just wait till I turn 18?
Should I just wait until after college?
Is what I’m facing not abuse?
Are there better job options for me?
What would be the best way to get an apartment?
Would my friend get in trouble for housing/helping me?
What if we told the cops that he thought I was 18?
Does anyone out there know what I should do?
please help, and please be kind in your response

[ccsmod2]

Hi,

Thanks for writing to us. We’re so sorry to hear about your situation. If you feel you are in immediate danger for any reason, please call the police or go to your local emergency room.




Your situation is definitely complicated with a lot of different things going on at once. The first thing we want to make you aware of is that since you are 16 and not technically an adult, if you go to live with your friend (or leave home without permission in general) you can be considered a runaway by the police. Your mom could choose to file a runaway report with the police, meaning the police will find you and bring you home. Although you wouldn’t get in any trouble with the law, there is a possibility that your friend (if he is above 1 or your friend’s parents/guardians (if he is under 18 ) could be charged with harboring a runaway, which is a criminal charge. This issue goes away once you turn 18, since in most states you will be considered an adult.




The way to get around this would be to get written permission from your mom (an email, text, note, etc) stating that you can stay with your friend. That way if she decides to press charges, you have proof that she gave you permission. Of course, this may not be easy or possible to do. You may be able to get permission to stay with a local friend or family member, however, which could give you a chance to be away from home for a little while and get a break from your mom.




The decision whether or not to runaway is very personal and is absolutely yours to make, but it is important to keep the above in mind when you are making a decision.




It definitely sounds like your mom is treating you in ways that she shouldn’t, but it sounds like you have a pretty good support system around you that you are able to turn to when things get bad. It may be beneficial to you strengthen this support system and access some mental health resources around you, there are likely some that offer confidential services so your mom doesn’t have to know you are accessing them. You can do some research to find some near you or contact us here at the NRS to find resources relevant to you if you are interested.




Living on your own in Washington (getting a job, apartment, etc) is something that you mentioned. To do this without your mom’s permission, you would need to be emancipated, which is its own complicated process involving going to court and proving to a judge that you can support yourself and that your mom is unfit to care for you. You would need things such as paychecks from a job and proof of a living space (as well as other things) to do this. If you feel emancipation is something you want to pursue, we recommend doing some research online and contacting a local family law practice to have your questions answered. You can also think about filing an abuse report if you feel that is relevant to you.




If things get really bad and you aren’t able to stay with your friend or you need to leave without a plan, there may be some youth shelters in your area that can help you and your situation. Again, you can feel free to look at them on your own or talk to us here at the NRS if you are interested in finding some.




To answer your specific questions that weren’t addressed above:




Am I crazy?

—No, you are definitely not crazy! It is very understandable that you feel the way you do given your situation and to have the desire to make it better.




Should I just wait till I turn 18?//after college?

—That is only a question you can answer, but things do get a lot easier for you legally on your 18th birthday.




Are there better job options for me?

—There may be some resources in your area that help youth find employment, you are welcome to contact us if you want to look! You can also look online at job postings.




What would be the best way for me to get an apartment?

—Since you are young and likely have no/little employment and credit history, there’s a big possibility you will need someone to cosign on your lease and you will need to be be able to prove that you make enough money to afford rent. You can get your questions answered by contacting the owners of the specific apartment(s) you are looking at and ask what you need to rent there. Some apartments are more strict than others, and they might have age requirements.




What if we told the cops that he thought I was 18?

—This is a slippery slope, especially if the cops figure out your history with him and that you are very close.




If you would like to speak to a live person about your situation and get more personalized help, the NRS is here 24/7 via online chat or by calling 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-880-9860). Thank you again for reaching out and we wish you the best of luck with everything!

[Guest]

Hi,

Thanks for writing to us. We’re so sorry to hear about your situation. If you feel you are in immediate danger for any reason, please call the police or go to your local emergency room.




Your situation is definitely complicated with a lot of different things going on at once. The first thing we want to make you aware of is that since you are 16 and not technically an adult, if you go to live with your friend (or leave home without permission in general) you can be considered a runaway by the police. Your mom could choose to file a runaway report with the police, meaning the police will find you and bring you home. Although you wouldn’t get in any trouble with the law, there is a possibility that your friend (if he is above 1 or your friend’s parents/guardians (if he is under 18 ) could be charged with harboring a runaway, which is a criminal charge. This issue goes away once you turn 18, since in most states you will be considered an adult.




The way to get around this would be to get written permission from your mom (an email, text, note, etc) stating that you can stay with your friend. That way if she decides to press charges, you have proof that she gave you permission. Of course, this may not be easy or possible to do. You may be able to get permission to stay with a local friend or family member, however, which could give you a chance to be away from home for a little while and get a break from your mom.




The decision whether or not to runaway is very personal and is absolutely yours to make, but it is important to keep the above in mind when you are making a decision.




It definitely sounds like your mom is treating you in ways that she shouldn’t, but it sounds like you have a pretty good support system around you that you are able to turn to when things get bad. It may be beneficial to you strengthen this support system and access some mental health resources around you, there are likely some that offer confidential services so your mom doesn’t have to know you are accessing them. You can do some research to find some near you or contact us here at the NRS to find resources relevant to you if you are interested.




Living on your own in Washington (getting a job, apartment, etc) is something that you mentioned. To do this without your mom’s permission, you would need to be emancipated, which is its own complicated process involving going to court and proving to a judge that you can support yourself and that your mom is unfit to care for you. You would need things such as paychecks from a job and proof of a living space (as well as other things) to do this. If you feel emancipation is something you want to pursue, we recommend doing some research online and contacting a local family law practice to have your questions answered. You can also think about filing an abuse report if you feel that is relevant to you.




If things get really bad and you aren’t able to stay with your friend or you need to leave without a plan, there may be some youth shelters in your area that can help you and your situation. Again, you can feel free to look at them on your own or talk to us here at the NRS if you are interested in finding some.




To answer your specific questions that weren’t addressed above:




Am I crazy?

—No, you are definitely not crazy! It is very understandable that you feel the way you do given your situation and to have the desire to make it better.




Should I just wait till I turn 18?//after college?

—That is only a question you can answer, but things do get a lot easier for you legally on your 18th birthday.




Are there better job options for me?

—There may be some resources in your area that help youth find employment, you are welcome to contact us if you want to look! You can also look online at job postings.




What would be the best way for me to get an apartment?

—Since you are young and likely have no/little employment and credit history, there’s a big possibility you will need someone to cosign on your lease and you will need to be be able to prove that you make enough money to afford rent. You can get your questions answered by contacting the owners of the specific apartment(s) you are looking at and ask what you need to rent there. Some apartments are more strict than others, and they might have age requirements.




What if we told the cops that he thought I was 18?

—This is a slippery slope, especially if the cops figure out your history with him and that you are very close.




If you would like to speak to a live person about your situation and get more personalized help, the NRS is here 24/7 via online chat or by calling 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-880-9860). Thank you again for reaching out and we wish you the best of luck with everything!

Thank you very much. It’s nice to know that I am not completely in the wrong regarding my relationship with my mother. He is over 18, I’ll be honest and say he just turned 21 (we are 4 years 10.5 months apart). We are thinking he could potentially get the apartment under his name and I could pay my own rent. We would not be living together. Thank you for the cop advice too. I shouldn’t lie to them.