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Living in Hell Since I Was 2

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  • Living in Hell Since I Was 2

    I have never really had a home. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and started their own families. My twin brother and I have felt displaced for the past 16, almost 17 years, not having a proper home with a mother and father but a home where the new husband/wife doesn't want us around. A home where we are their second priority, never what is most important. If it isn't convenient for the family, then they'll just exclude the remaining part of the last traumatic marriage. They only care for us because they have the obligation to. We know that if they had the chance, they would change the past so we wouldn't have ever existed. The only way I can explain my relationship with my parents is like a toxic relationship with someone you love. Both you and your partner love each other, but you bring out the worst in each other and spend your time together fighting and screaming. You want to get out of this toxic relationship, but you still want to care for them. You still want to see the best in them. I know my mother cares for me, but this toxic relationship between us makes me and my brother have symptoms of depression and suicidal tendencies. I mostly live with my mother, but I visit my father and his wife and daughter almost every weekend. I like his wife better than my mom's husband, but she can't stand having us around for too long. I would have moved in with my father but he lives an hour away from all my friends (the only people who have cared for me when my parents didn't), and he is one of the most radical-right, homophobic, racist, and sexist people I have met. It makes me uncomfortable when he makes sexist comments. It makes my brother and I feel unsafe when he makes homophobic comments. My brother came out as trans in middle school, and my parents immediately thought something was wrong with him. I didn't know anything about the LGBTQ community because my parents always taught me that being straight was the only option, which made me feel there was something wrong with me when I found a girl attractive. It is easier to hide the fact that you are pansexual when you only see your father every other weekend. I know that he wants me to live with him and I've always been daddy's girl, but I don't want to leave my mother's house just to go somewhere where I feel equally unsafe. The worst part about living with my mother is seeing the damage that she causes me also being done to my twin brother and my younger half-brother. My twin brother has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), and my mom wants to help him. But what she thinks is helping is actually destroying him and it hurts to watch. He has started to drug himself with cold medication whenever dealing with my mom is too much. I try to stop him, but he doesn't understand why it is such a big issue. My little brother also worries me. He is the son of my mom and her husband. He is not only 10 and he talks about how he hates himself and wants to kill himself. He grew up in a home where his sister and brother are always in a fight with his mother, and he only sees his dad drunk. It hurts to see your pain in your little brother. Your insecruties about your weight because your mother calls you fat everyday. Your pain when you have to learn to lie at a young age to be able to survive in this household. I had this reoccurring dream when I was younger that my mom would be driving toward the water. I would yell at her to stop, that she was going to kill us, but she assured me that she knew what she was doing was right. Before we would hit the water, I would wake up shaking. The last time I had this dream everything was the same. But when I looked to my left and my little brother was there too. He was terrified and I tried to comfort him as we approached the end of the bridge. I woke up crying. I couldn't save him. I feel bad he has to see me at my worse. After a bad fight with my mom, he would ask him to play and I would tell him to f**k off. He curses now, too. He learned that from me. My twin brother and I have spoken to my mother about how the way she treats us is negatively affecting us multiple times. I have written essays, made logical arguments, planned out everything I wanted to say just to make sure I don't become emotional. Her answer is always to either get emancipated or to go live with my father. She never has wanted to change, and both of us have tried over and over again. She thinks she is doing nothing wrong, and that we are taking her for granted. At this point, I have no idea what to do. I have no other family to stay with because we immigrated to the US and most of my family that I am closer to lives in different countries. I have relatives in my state but I don't know them, and they have never made the effort to get to know me. I tried for the longest time to keep telling myself to get good grades so when I graduate I can leave this place forever. I have been telling myself this since the 4th grade. I have two more years until I graduate and to be honest I don't have any more strength or mental power to keep dealing with this. I have been pushing through without doing any drugs or achohol and self-harm, but everyday the idea of getting high to make living here more tolerable becomes more tempting. The only way for us to be able to heal is to be away from our parents, but we aren't legally adults and we don't have anywhere to go. I want high school to end already. What should I do?
    iI

  • #2
    Hi there,

    We appreciate you for reaching out to us here at National Runaway Safeline and we recognize that this may not have been easy to type out and send. Your courage and strength do not go unnoticed, and we are glad that you have come to us for support through this. We are sorry to hear that you and your twin brother have been feeling this way between both of your parents' homes. Please know that you both deserve to feel loved supported, no matter what.

    It sounds like you and your siblings struggle with recurring thoughts of suicide. We understand that feeling this way can be overwhelming, scary, and difficult to cope with. We would like to encourage you to keep things that make you smile close to you and participate in any healthy and safe activities that you enjoy and promote self-care. This could look like many different things, such as taking a bath or shower, reading a book, eating a snack you enjoy, listening to music, journaling, etc. We would also like to leave you the information for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which is a support line that specializes in providing support and resources for crises related to suicidal thoughts. You may give them a call at 800-273-8255, or go to their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ and access their online "CHAT" option, to speak with somebody.

    Please also feel welcome to reach out to us by calling 1-800-RUNAWAY or utilize our online chat services, found on our website at www.1800runaway.org. We would be happy to talk further with you about what is going on at home and work with you to find resources that can best assist you at this time.

    We wish you health, safety, and peace at this time and we look forward to the opportunity to talk further with you.

    Kindly,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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