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[email protected] home, helpless, stuck in trauma and scared of mental illness getting worse

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  • [email protected] home, helpless, stuck in trauma and scared of mental illness getting worse

    I'm at a loss. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do or the right place to go.

    I am 20 years old and living at home while I go to school. I can't get a job currently because I can't drive. I am recovering from torn ligaments in my ankle and it makes it near impossible to drive, walk, stand, lift, etc. Especially for long periods of time. And as a 20 year old with no job experience, just school, it's basically impossible to obtain a remote job. However, I can't stay at home much longer and don't have enough saved for rent to live anywhere with my cat.

    Ever since I was little, my dad is impatient, non understanding, and extremely hot headed. I remember almost monthly sometime weekly where if i was the slightest but too loud or didn't do something to his liking, or fast enough, sometunes i didn't have to do anything, I still can hear him literally screaming at me to this day and it wouldn't be like a normal yell, it would feel like a lion roar but extremely and unnecessarily angry. Lately in my recent adult life and teen years, these memories keep popping up and causing severe anxiety. (I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety as well as ptsd-untreated) this along with him pretending everything is immediately fine and dandy shortly after has had me treading on eggshells for a few years now. He is really unpredictable. Sometimes things like that will happen or he'll purposely annoy me like a bully until I cry. Even though I have constantly expressed how it has made me feel and set clear boundaries. My boundaries with my parents are constantly ignored. This is taking an extreme toll on my mental health, sometimes to the point where I self harm out of both fear and anxiety and feeling like it is my fault.

    What really pushed me over today and what compelled me to keep reaching out is that I started today with severe anxiety attacks. My partner came over and was about to leave, he had to leave me in the middle of a bad attack because he had to go to work or would be fired. I sort of understand this because he needs to pay rent and doesn't want to be homeless, however, unlike myself he has people that will support him financially and any way they can, hes just scared, this sorta made me upset. As he was about to leave, my door is shut and I hear my dad lion scream at him and thats all it took to send me into overtime. I have no idea what happened or played out but I do know that it made my attack worse to the point where I locked myself in my bathroom and threw up from anxiety and fear. Awhile after, he the pretends like nothing is wrong. Since then memories and that moment keep replaying in my head and I am so scared and so tired of walking on eggshells. I talk to my mom about but each time she doesn't want me to talk to anyone about it or how it makes me feel. He is just really unpredictable and I'm scared I'm damaging my health by having everything heightened all the time. Just by thinking about it and feeling my heart clinch and fall when he screams and makes me cry which bring up other memories of him yelling at me not to cry or show emotions. I feel at a loss and I'm really not sure what to do at this point. I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this but I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to take me in. I just feel really unsafe and scared that I'm going to have more damage happen to me mentally from the situation or accidentally physically hurt myself in a daze of fear mixed anxiety.

  • #2
    Thank you for reaching out; we are glad that you did. It sounds like you have survived years of your dad's awful treatment, which has caused severe depression, anxiety and untreated PTSD, all of which is understandable due to this treatment by him.
    It's understandable that you needed your partner while in the midst of a bad attack, but that they had to go to work, which caused you to feel everything more intensely. The advice of your mother not to talk to anyone about this only protects your father. It does not help or protect you, and having been traumatized by his awful treatment, and not having any professional support, it's understandable that you felt upset by him feeling both scared, and the responsibility for his own employment status.
    Being 20, you can google "age of majority" in your state. If you are and adult, you can leave without any legal barrier, and they can't do anything to make you come back. If living with your partner or another friend or family member isn't an option, we can search whether there are any long-term options in your area.
    It's understandable that your physical situation is a major concern at this time, as well as your schooling, which is why we invite you to come to our live services so that we can have a conversation with you. You can chat us through this website, or call our hotline at 1-800-786-2929 (1-800-RUNAWAY) so that we can discuss this further and help you figure out what your options may be.
    We truly hope to hear from you soon.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
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