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Family can’t support me because I’m trans and mentally ill

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  • Family can’t support me because I’m trans and mentally ill

    Short version:
    I’m 15, FTM transgender and suicidal. I suspect I have autism but only have depression and ADHD diagnosed. My parents are not supportive of my identity, but my dysphoria makes me significantly suicidal. I’m in an awful depressive episode and my parents only do things that make it worse. I dread going home to either of them. I know I’ll kill myself if I have to continue living with them like this—it’s been a battle for years and I can’t keep trying to get them to help me or give me what I need to be happy. I don’t love either of them anymore. The mental hospital isn’t an option, and I have no friends, family, or even a supporter to go to. I would do anything just to escape this nightmare. I don’t know what I can do, though, other than kill myself.

    Long version:
    I was diagnosed with depression at 13 (I’m 15 now) because I attempted suicide. I’ve been depressed since the summer after 6th grade, and I believe it was caused by this social anxiety that I’ve been dealing with since 2nd grade. It feels like I was born with these problems, because I haven’t been able to sleep without ADHD medication since I was 4 or so. I have auditory issues, eating disordered behaviors, ADHD, depression, and social anxiety, all of which are currently brutally severe because of a breakup (December 12th) which triggered a depressive episode. I tried to kill myself 2-3 weeks ago.
    My parents are divorced and have been for a year or two. They have equal custody, but for the 9 months before my most recent suicide attempt, I’ve been living with my dad and never seeing my mom. This is because my mom is severely mentally ill and triggers me on the daily—living with her was debilitating. The day I tried to kill myself, I had been unable to eat for the past day or so because of my depression, and I couldn’t move to get myself food. I asked my dad if he could get me something but he said no, and it was what pushed me over the edge. Ever since the breakup he’s been very angry at me, telling me that I need to “get off my ass” and “work for what I want” and that overcoming my depression is a matter of drive and motivation. In the worst depressive episode of my life, this hit me like a truck, and I don’t feel like I can ever talk to him about my mental health again. I was seeing a therapist, Ms. Smith, for a year or so, and she’s the only therapist I’ve ever connected with and felt helped by, but she transitioned to another hospital so I can’t see her anymore. I’ve been trying new therapists but one would misgender me constantly and the other, most recent, has been…fine, but also awful. My father who had me under the impression that he was supportive of me being a trans male, told her that he was not okay with me transitioning because I “don’t act like a boy”. Neither of my parents think I’m transgender, but my dysphoria contributes to my suicidal thoughts on the daily. I can’t go to either of them for help anymore. Living with either of them is a nightmare—I cried in the counselors office for a whole school day saying I didn’t want to go home. I don’t have any friends or family that can help me. My parents are not abusive in any way, they just don’t understand me even a little bit, and I have no support. It makes me want to kill myself every time I talk to them. I know if I don’t get away from them I’ll probably commit suicide. I need to medically transition because the emotional distress it causes me is too much for me to cope with, but my parents won’t let me until I’m 18. I have been trying to get better and educate them and get them to understand for years, and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve tried so hard, fixed everything I can fix about myself, but they make my life hell. If they’d just listen to the doctors’ recommendations about my transition I would be able to cope, but they won’t. My father says if I don’t go home with him I won’t be allowed to even go to the trans clinic anymore (which has done nothing for me yet) or get my name changed legally (which is due for February 10th, and I won’t survive that disappointment). I don’t want to go home with him because he made a whole list of chores he wants me to do every day, but I’m still the most depressed I’ve ever been and I can barely get myself showered and to school, let alone clean the whole house. I know I sound spoiled and ungrateful and I hate it so much, but I just can’t take it anymore. I’m in so much emotional pain and it feels like they’re the only thing standing in front of me and healing from it. I don’t love my mom and I barely love my father. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to lose, and it’s awful. No one loves me or sees me as the boy I am. The breakup is so hard because he was the only one who ever truly saw me as a boy. I’ve been living at my mom’s because she provides dinner every day and I know I’d go hungry if I had to feed myself. I’ve been in the mental hospital 3 times and they never helped me—I know coping skills, I know what’s wrong with me, I know. I’ve done therapy, I’ve worked through it. I’m grieving a relationship and I can’t handle my parents’ bull******** on top of it. I want to get better and be who I want to be, but they both make it so goddamn difficult. I cry every day, I consider suicide every night, I can never get out of bed without a struggle. I just want to look in the mirror and feel like it’s me, not a stranger, looking back at me. I hate it so much. I feel like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, and then some.
    I don’t know what to do. It’s freezing outside so running away is a little bit stupid (highly stupid) but I can’t live with either of them anymore and my alternative is a mental hospital that makes my mental health even worse. What do I do?

  • #2
    Thanks for reaching out to us at the National Runaway Safeline. You made a great first step to finding the help that you may need. It sounds like you are going through a lot and the people around you are not being supportive. You deserve to be treated with respect, to experience acceptance and to feel safe.

    We want you to know that you are strong for having gone through so much already. It is perfectly okay to deviate from what others or the common population believe to be “normal”. Your bravery and resilience is so admirable. You are so strong for having gone through so much without having the acceptance that you do deserve for just being you. Remember that you are not alone. If you ever want to talk more about what you are experiencing or get additional support we are here 24/7 at 1800-RUNAWAY or our live chat service. The GLBT National Hotline at 1888-843-4564 is another option to gain great support from those that are familiar with the issues and experiences of those that are also a part of the LGBTQ community. You can access their website link bellow to utilize all the other possibly useful resources they have to offer: http://www.glbthotline.org/

    You mentioned that you were considering the options that may be best for you. By all means, if you do fear for your safety either now or in the future, do not hesitate to take the necessary steps to regain your safety. This may mean calling the authorities or possibly reporting the things you may be experiencing. Other options to think about may be other family members, friends, or a trusted adults that would be able to provide you with support or a safe place to stay. It is great that you thinking ahead. Should you feel like leaving home is best, it may be a good idea to think about how you will provide necessities for yourself such as food, clothing, showers, healthcare and other basic needs. You may want to also consider how your parent’s will react to you leaving without permission. We are not legal experts here, but typically as a minor (under the age of 18 you need permission from your parents to leave home. It is not illegal to runaway, but it would mean that your parents could file a runaway report with the police. This is usually done in an effort to try to return you home as the police are required to do so.

    It sounds like you are thinking about harming yourself or ending your life. It takes a lot of strength to reach out for help, and we are so glad that you did. Your life has worth and our top priority is your safety. If you feel this is an emergency you could consider calling 911 for emergency assistance. We are here to listen and support you in any way that we can, and we can help you find resources that can help you cope with these feelings. You do not have to face this alone, and there is so much help out there for you. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, the National Suicide Hotline could be a good resource for you. You can check them out at www.youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org, or you can call 1-800-273-8255 for help and support any time. You can also call us 24/7 at 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) if you need to talk.



    If you can give us a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY or reach out through Live Chat we can try to find some youth shelters that may be near your city and state by utilizing our database of resources. We can also try to call out to shelters with you or on your behalf to advocate for you.

    Stay Strong,
    NRS

    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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