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Plans failing, nowhere to go

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  • Plans failing, nowhere to go

    Context: I'm 19, a latina lesbian in a LDR living in a homophobic christian household.

    Back in July I started dating my years-old best friend and every time between us is good, the only problem is she had to move to the UK to study and her program takes approximately three years. It'd be easier to get through if my family was accepting of this. They, however, have explicitly said they'd kick me out of the house if I ever happened to be in a same sex relationship (they kicked out my then-13 year old brother before, I have no doubts they'd do it to me without a second thought). That was in October, and ever since then things have been escalating. I began going to therapy that month to know how to deal with everything, but unfortunately my therapist moved away. I had dropped out of college twice (first due to covid, then because of high anxiety) and was scheduled to go again this month, however I realized its not what I can do because I don't have anything I'd like to study. I came back home and while my family understood that, they've been extremely passive aggressive about everything since then. I began going to therapy again and the same day my mother blew up and said that I need to stop seeing "the crazy doctors" and instead need to start praying. She also threatened to send me back with my father to my home country, and is pulling me out of the car and health insurance (things I do not have money to pay for). When I explained I was going to therapy to know how to better understand and deal with family, my stepdad said my "duty" as a daughter was not to understand but to "submit and obey" to whatever they said. This is only the latest of their psychological abuse instances that go back years. I told my girlfriend this and we have been trying to come up with a plan to get me out, but I essentially have no one for help. We first planned to get me to our mutual's friend home in Texas for six months, then attempt to get a work visa in the UK so I'd be able to move with her, but our friend's parents said no. Our friend and I can't really get a place because I wouldn't be on the lease for long. My girlfriend said I could ask her mother but I feel I'd be too much of a burden imposing in her house. Also, getting a work visa is nearly impossible and without that as a concrete plan I'd be at her house indefinitely (rent in the state she lives is outrageous). I do not want to move out and live alone, I have severe depression and anxiety and while I do not have anyone to go to in person now, the presence of other people in this house (as damaging as it is) keeps me from spiraling. I want to get away from my family because they have damaged me enough and have no intention of changing, but I'd be essentially all alone and I am terrified of how that would go. Also, I'd have to wait around two more years to be able to be with my girlfriend, and being on my own would prevent me from seeing her as often as we had originally planned (summers and Christmas). As totally dependent as it sounds, all I truly want is to be with my girlfriend; she's the reason I have made it this far but I have reached the point where it's her or nothing. I have denied myself everything that would make me remotely happy just to please my family my entire life, and now that I want this one thing, being happy with my girlfriend, I can't have it. I know there's rational ways to go about this such as finding a place on my own, wait out for my girlfriend to be done, etc, but I have done everything rationally and carefully up to this point and nothing ever goes the way I want it to. I'm honestly tired and just want this one thing and it is her. I want to be happy. That's what I want.

  • #2
    Thank you for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline. It certainly sounds like you are living in somewhat of a uncompromising household right now which really makes hard for you as you are trying to figure your next steps in adulthood. While you didn’t indicate what state you live in currently, it’s fairly safe to assume that 18 is the age of adulthood there which then puts your parents in a place of no longer being responsible for you.

    Despite the volatile home situation it seems like you are aware that being alone might be even worse for you than living at home. Here at NRS we have resources in our database which are TLP’s (transitional living programs) which might be something to investigate for you. With your partner living overseas for at least 2 more years it might give you some freedom to save money and take the time to make a plan. It would be great if you could reach out to us either via our chat option www.1800runaway.org) or via phone at 1-800-786-2929 so we could get a little more information about your situation and see what resources might be appropriate for you.

    Also, while your family may not accept you being is a same sex relationship, there are plenty of organizations that can offer you assistance in learning how better to deal with it. It might be good for you to contact the LGBTQ Hotline at 1-888-843-4564 and see what they might offer you in recommendations on how to deal better with your family.

    Again, thank you for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline! Hopefully you will be able to contact us soon so we can help you with what you are going through.

    Sincerely,

    National Runaway Safeline.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

    Tell us what you think about your experience!
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