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I really don’t know what to do anymore...

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  • I really don’t know what to do anymore...

    Hello, let me introduce myself; I am stuck at home with a sick father and a mother who makes me feel the urge to runaway from home. I have social anxiety and have trouble concentrating (I believe it’s ADHD, however my mother won’t let me go to the doctor) and get sick very easily that I am “not even sick anymore/you just fake it” in my mothers eyes. In my current day to day life I care for a father who is sick. Furthermore I take online classes that are getting harder and harder for me to take because of my main topic today... my mother.

    My mother was, an extremely nice woman when I was around 5 - 7 years old. Then that suddenly changed when I started to be able to really think for myself. From grade 6 to grade 8 I was bullied and I was expecting the comfort of my mother to stop and talk to the teachers, however she did not do so and told me to “Suck it up, they aren’t doing anything; they are all nice people... you are just imagining things” even if I took videos of the suffering I went through day to day, she never did anything about it. However that story is from the past, and the current situation is more important for me to discuss.

    As I stated previously I am only a student (younger than 1, however my mother expects me to be way beyond my years. I have to take care of my father, clean the house, do homework, and take care of my well being. Sure it doesn’t seem like a lot; however it sometimes get to the point I can’t take it anymore. It’s all because of the constant yelling, and verbal manipulation of my mother.

    My mother has a habit of nitpicking whatever I do; such as yelling at me for not sweeping the floor properly, letting the dog sleep in my room, accidentally taking a nap because I am exhausted and she won’t let me go to the doctor because this excessive tiredness is normal. She constantly calls me lazy, useless and sometimes even “a little sl*t who is only good at sleeping with men”.... it’s gotten to a point I doubt who I am and what I am doing with my life. Furthermore this verbal abuse has gotten even worse because I’m failing my classes. I’m currently not doing the greatest in school and I am barely passing my classes because I just can’t seem to find a way out from my never ending misery.

    She has changed me a lot.... I don’t sleep so much because I have nightmares and can only sleep in the mornings, but she finds way to make me feel like I sleep so much; and I’ve stopped sleeping basically. I’ve stopped eating so much because she’s called me fat multiple times (but she’s also called me pretty in a condescending tone and would then laugh at me) that I have limited myself to one meal a day. If she thinks I’m not eating enough she says “Oh, you are finally trying to get skinny” and then would laugh and treat it like a joke.

    But the worst thing of all is the way my mother treats me when DON’T do anything wrong, and don’t bother her— she somehow finds ways to call me out on things I haven’t done; I left the sink slightly on? “(NAME) who the hell left the sink on. I swear you don’t understand how much I pay for water bills maybe you should get a job and pay for it yourself”, or “You stupid little sh*t, do you work for this, do you go out of your way to provide for the family?!? No, you just sit on your a*s all day and play games on your phone, maybe I should just leave this family and maybe you will rot away without my care”

    She always threatens to leave us, but she never does— she always blames us for her misery and how I shouldn’t even have existed— that I’m just a waste of space. She has laid a hand on me multiple times; however because I’m a teenager she stopped (because she wants me to “at least have a “pretty” face, because if you don’t have the smarts you can at least look pretty and sit still”).

    All of these things leave me in tears every night. I don’t know what to do anymore...

  • #2
    Hi there,

    Thank you for writing to us here at National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on. It sounds like things that your Mom is doing is making you feel a lot of things and you are having a hard time keeping up with your emotions. Those must be really heavy feelings. No matter what you’re facing, you deserve to be connected to help. To Write Love on Her Arms could be a helpful resource to learn about how to take care of yourself when things are really hard. https://twloha.com/find-help/

    You mentioned that you thought talking to someone might be helpful, but that might not be an option right now while you are still living at home.It must be hurtful when your mom uses words like that or threatens you. You do not deserve to be hurt by anyone. If you are interested, there are several free resources that you could use when you are feeling like your anxiety is getting to you and you need support from others. The helplines below are 24 hours and are confidential.

    https://twloha.com/find-help/24-hour-helplines/

    You mentioned that your Mom hits you and blames you for a lot of things that happen. It is never okay to be physically harmed by anyone. If you feel like you need more support discussing what is going on at home, you can call Childhelp at (800) 422-4453. The hotline offers crisis intervention, information, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are confidential. You could also visit their website to learn more. https://www.childhelp.org/

    It must feel really hard to work through everything that is going on right now. If you would like to talk more in detail please call or chat soon. If you reach out to us directly, we could provide you with more support. We can work with you to gather information about your story so we can help support you the best we can.

    Best,

    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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    • #3
      hi, it seems she is not abusive, but furthermore neglective. i am not saying don't run away, just maybe develop a plan beforehand, closest friend nearby? i pretended to hate my best friend and got into a fake fight so she was least expected. but plan out with that person.

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