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In dire need of help
Hi. My favorite color is yellow. There now you know something about me. That felt important. I am 17. I will be turning 18 in exactly 38 days. My parents and I have never gotten along. I am the middle child. A perfect picture of one. I am often overlooked. Being a middle child with very strict parents is really hard. All I want is a normal teenage life. I swear, this isn't another snotty teen begging for attention. I realize that other kids have had it worse. I also realize that my situation is not optimal as well, though. See, my parents and I have a long complicated history. Ever since I was little, I have been getting into trouble. Basic, normal kid trouble but trouble nonetheless. I was never able to be social like I wanted. My parents never let me have friends over or go to other friends' houses. I was never able to have a phone because I got grounded for weeks if I did even the smallest thing like fold the laundry wrong or forget to load the dishwasher. My parents seriously stunted my development as a child. Even now, I am applying to college and they REFUSE to do the basic things to help me with the process. I am completely alone in this. I am so tired of being alone. I happen to struggle with mental illness. I have severe depression. The thing is, my parents hold it against me and threaten me with repercussions for it. I have been sent to the local mental hospital. There, I witnessed my roommate try to kill herself and had to stop another girl from biting through her wrists. My parents know this and threaten to send me back when I mess up. This makes me feel so alone. Remember when I said that I'm not allowed to have anyone over? Yeah well, I went against the rules. I own up to that. I recognize this. I invited my bf over until my parents got off of work. My dad got home early while my bf and I were arguing. We panicked and I shoved him in my closet. My dad came in and of course, opened the closet. It went all downhill from there. My dad threatened to shoot my bf. I yelled at my dad for the first time in my entire life. I told him not to lay a hand on my bf. My dad then hit me. Several times. (There aren't any bruises for proof sadly). My bf looked like he wanted to do something but had enough smarts not to step in. My dad then turned on my bf and told him to leave or the same would happen to him. He then threatened to send me back to the mental hospital. Said he had the old suicide letters that I wrote like a whole year ago. Said he was going to lie to the people and say it was written within the past few days. Then my momma got home after my dad and I yelled some more (he said he never thought he could hate a child until he had me) and he yanked me up by my hair and backhanded me so hard that I couldn't hear anything but ringing in my ear for like 15 minutes. She told me to get out of her house and never speak to her again. She called me a slut. For no reason. She assumed the worst. I gave her a hurt/ confused look and she slapped me like 5 or 6 times. She then kicked me while I was on the ground told me to move. It wasn't a hard kick, really. I believe it was mostly out of spite. They then told me I have until my 18th birthday (38 days) to find a place. They said I am not allowed to stay with any family or they will cut off that entire branch of the family. I feel as though I have no place to go. The timeline for an 18th bday is supposed to be a countdown for freedom, not this. I am no longer allowed inside my house other than to sleep at night. It is freezing outside. Not to mention, going to college under this circumstance will be nearly impossible. My whole life mission down the drain. I am now alone again and miserable. I am so lost. I have no idea where to go or what to do. I have wanted to leave this situation since I was little. I never imagined in a million years that it would happen this way. The worst part is that it is all my fault. I have considered just running away because living in these conditions for over a month will be nearly impossible with my mental health. I need help. 
I fear that without it, I will definitely not make it to my 18th birthday alive. I can't take it. That's not a threat, it is fear. My question is: what now?
I fear that without it, I will definitely not make it to my 18th birthday alive. I can't take it. That's not a threat, it is fear. My question is: what now?
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