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Living right now is hard, but running away would make me feel so guilty.

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  • Living right now is hard, but running away would make me feel so guilty.

    Hello. I'm a twenty-year-old student living in some bad circumstances. My father is in a crazy amount of debt and my mother isn't able to support herself. A few months ago they finally signed the divorce papers that were 15 years in the making. For fifteen years they tried on and off to get divorced and it was a messy process. While all this was happening they used me as either their own personal therapist on good days or on the bad their verbal punching bag when they were angry and couldn't take it out on each other. When they got divorced I thought the worst was finally over, but things only got worse. My father moved far away and didn't help my mother with child support. He had also sold every home we had because the IRS was after him financially. My mother had given up on herself and started whoring herself out to this south Africa Nazi because he was the only one who would take us in (me, my mother, my younger sister, and our two lapdogs). She is now engaged to him and every day I find myself more scared for her because of this man and her ever-increasing reliance on him. He spies on her through their joint phone carrier, he made her sell all our furniture, even her car is in his name. I don't think she is strong enough to leave him because we really have nothing and shes too prideful to get a retail job like me. Livig with the Nazi is easier the starting over in live with two children, and I know shes doing the best she can but its too much for me and my sister to have on our conciousness. We want to help her but she wont accept our help. My father isn't any better off though. He lost his job and is now working as a telemarketer and is living in a shack behind his older sister's house. He tries to stay positive but I know he's struggling. All of this plus my parents taking out their anger and feelings of frustration on me, living with the Nazi who makes me fear sleeping without my door locked, fearing for my moms safty, the Nazi constantly terrorizing me with stories of the delusions he has of how the government is out to get us and god will stike us all down because were sinners, and the factthat I work so hard that i come home with joint and back pains every day. Im only twenty years old and I feel like a squeeky door that needs to be oiled.
    I want to fun away from this all so much, but running away would also mean leaving behind my mother, sister, father, and dogs. I would be saying goodbye to the only family ve ever known. I support my mother with everything i have and am the only one still looking out for her. Running would be the most selfish thing I could do, but staying is killing me. I dont feel like myslef anymore, I dont eat, sleep has become difficult, and I find myself thinking more and more about what it would be like if I was a different person. One of my favorite passtimes is daydreaming about being a different person or about getting accidentally hit by a bus. Suiside isnt something I wouldnt do but I wouldnt mind a premature accidental death. But thats too morbid to say outloud.
    So, am I selfish for wanting to escape, and is there another way out im not thinking of?j

  • #2
    Thank you for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline. This sounds like a long, challenging situation. You are being thoughtful about the many important factors and everyone involved in your family. It’s clear that you are doing a lot to care for everyone in your family. At the same time, it’s not necessarily selfish to also care for yourself and ensure you are in a safe, healthy, emotionally safe environment. Moving out would not necessarily mean cutting all ties or stopping any support of your family members. You could consider how you can still support each of your family members even if you were no longer living at home. Of course, you would also want to ensure you would not find yourself in a more difficult situation if leaving home. You would want to have a job for income and food lined up, and ensure you do have your own place to stay at. If you want to further explore some of these options or talk more with us about this difficult decision or your next steps, please don’t hesitate to contact us at 1-800-786-2929 or www.1800runaway.org.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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