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My Toxic Mom

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  • My Toxic Mom

    To preface this I am 16 and my mom has BPD, depression, and anxiety. She had a horrible childhood but hasn’t once stopped her continuation of emotional (and rarely physical) trauma. She is manipulative, and somewhat narcissistic. She turned to Buddhism once to help contain her anger and dragged 6 year old me across the world against my will. Sure this is something most people won’t ever experience but I was far too young to remember Japan and Taiwan. She has what I call a rather “aggressive depression,” and in my younger years I idolized her as much as I was terrified of her violent outbursts over anything of the slightest. I now realize how confusing this was for me and how early I had to grow up. I was raised by a total of 8 nannies, and my older siblings. During middle school I started to speak out for myself which only got me into more trouble, and I still voice for myself but it gets nowhere. It’s hard to reason with someone who’s only mission is to make everyone else feel as awful as they do. My sister has a complex about her weight because of my mom, and has had to take on a motherly role to me for her. My brother, the favorite, got away with everything by distancing himself as much as he could from her. As affective as it was for him, if I were to do that she would go out of her way more than she is now to make my life miserable.

    Fast forward to now: due to the pandemic and my parent’s jobs, our family had to move half way through my sophomore year. As understanding as I am about the move, I refuse to believe where we ended up is the best she could do with “such little time,” she had. She’s been wanting to move to this area for about 2 years and claimed she would move here after I graduated high school. Now that we’re here she says, “you only have 2 more years until college,” but will not recognize that this is not the best area for my interest: academics, mental health, and most importantly my safety. I have had to drop my lifelong passion for dance, stay isolated for 4 months (can’t make friends at school I’m online), put up with her mental abuse/toxicity, and be kept from my friends in my hometown. To elaborate, she is withholding me from going back to visit them for a 2nd time (for their birthday) because the 1st time I had come back pessimistic about my current life situation which she took as me “looking down on her culture and where we live.” I have had the worst time mentally, and she is keeping me from the only thing she knows that matters to me. I’ve tried to negotiate, saying she can take my phone or t.v. if I repeat my attitude coming back again and she says she has no interest in doing that. Although she hasn’t stated this, I truly feel it is because she knows this is the only way to break me down. I stopped caring about punishment after a cycle of her taking my phone throughout middle school so she stopped doing it. I mainly want to escape from home for a while because she takes such a toll on my mind. Just last night she got nasty about me waiting to do my dishes at night and brought up something unfathomable. Out of the blue she began to mock me for saying I wanted to off myself from a previous quarrel... this is the second time she has done this. All I had said to her is that if she is repeating herself and adding awful things to her monologue after making her initial statement and we have acknowledged it, then she is looking for a fight to take things out on. It’s hard to believe any mother would ever do that, but today this woman acted as if nothing happened. Usually she will give me the silent treatment but will occasionally act happy and ignore all of the damaging things she said. I really want to love her but it’s hard to embrace her when she has me walking on eggshells around her, and attempting to hold leverage over me. I love her when things are great but when she turns bad it’s hard to believe she is the same person. It’s so too much to bear. I truly feel like killing myself because of her. She was the first person to break my heart, and certainly will continue to. I’m almost 99% sure I have anxiety. I’m not sure if it’s because of her or the other awful things that have happened to me with other people, probably an accumulation, but I find myself feeling as if I’m suffocating at random. I will randomly feel my throat closing and choking. As a kid I used to hyperventilate around her when she would scream at me which would only infuriate her more to provoke her saying “You want to cry? I’ll give you a reason to cry about.” I constantly replay painful past situations in my head and overthink everything I say after I’ve said it (not purposefully), have intrusive thoughts, am distrusting of everyone even without having reason, suffer from a severe lack of awareness and occasional disassociation, maybe anger issues, annoyance with everything, bouts of depression, fear of failure, HUGE fear of the future (honestly can’t see one for myself), and tend to have a lack of empathy. I can’t say I blame her for all of this or that I have a definite diagnosis, but I am not okay. She is too much for me to take any longer and I’m afraid of where my mind will go once I’m past my breaking point. I have changed so much throughout the years; my innocence was taken and my big heart was broken over and over. Nobody really knows of my issues because I feel a burden and an embarrassment when talking about it. Sorry this is A LOT but I needed to get this out. It actually got me to stop breaking down. Thanks to whomever listens.

  • #2
    Hello there,
    You mentioned experiencing emotional abuse which may be reportable against your mom. Please keep in mind you by no means deserve any type of abuse, emotional or otherwise. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often harder to provide evidence for compared to physical abuse which is often what CPS relies on when conducting an abuse investigation. That said, we can’t be 100% sure what the outcome will be if your local CPS decides to open a case based on what you share. Sometimes CPS decides to remove minors from the home and other times they offer services such as family counseling or mediation instead. The only way to know the outcome might be to reach out to them directly and if you’re ready to do that we are here to help you through that process. Reaching out to Child Help USA at 1-800-422-4453 or
    www.childhelp.org may help to get a better understanding of what may happen before and after a report is made.
    Another resource that may be helpful with everything you are going through is called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). They can provide support for you along with resources. You can reach them at 800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741. You mention possibly killing yourself. We take that very seriously and believe your life has value. If you are ever contemplating you can always reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Their number is 800-273-8255. You have been through quite a bit and you are not alone in this. Along with NAMI and The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, you can also utilize our chatting service at www.1800runaway.org. We unfortunately can only respond to forums twice so if you would to talk further please either chat or call us!
    We hope this helps. Please reach out if we can offer any further support.
    Be safe,
    NRS
    Last edited by ccsmod15; 02-04-2021, 03:55 AM.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

    Comment


    • #3
      I just wanted someone to confide in and COMFORT me. Maybe tell me I’ll be okay, because I know I will be in the end... not someone to give me anxiety. So u helpful I really cannot trust anyone can I? So pointless I’m very upset by your outcome. I thought this was a safe place.

      Comment


      • ccsmod2
        ccsmod2 commented
        Editing a comment
        Hello There,
        Thank you so much for reaching out to The National Runaway Safeline, it takes great courage to reach out and we are so glad that you have decided to reach out to us.

        We are sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time, and we want you to know that you are not alone. This is a public forum so what you post can be viewed by others, we still monitor every post and want this to be a safe space for you and not cause more anxiety.
        If you want more confidential help you can call or chat with us or send us an email at [email protected].

        We hope to be able to help you the best we can, we wish you the best of luck!
        NRS
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