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A Long Battle - No Relatives/Family Members That Will Help - I'm Trapped
This is a long one, a really long one, but I have to get this out now because I feel like it's time I do. It’s difficult to take in here. I’m a procrastinator and I have a lot of interests but everything has to be perfect for me to get basic human treatment and even then sometimes I’m treated like dirt by my own mother when I've done nothing to deserve it. In the times where I was the complete opposite of a procrastinator did I get the constant-yell fest and I could never seem to mold myself into a person that could really make these problems go away no matter how hard I tried. Here’s how I live at home, my aunt, grandmother, mother, and my little cousin lives here. They’re all female, my little cousin who is 3 at the moment.
I’m the only male in the house at age 14. I’ve struggled to get my word out to anyone who could realistically help me. My mom is good at manipulation, and scares me to death. My dad does not live with us, he and my mom separated about 6 months after I was born going back to 2006. I recently come to learn that my dad requires medication to be mentally sane. Nobody knows his official diagnosis since he is very private but he has shed light on a few things that we can confirm, he takes medication and is required to legally of course. He gets disability checks because he is mentally unable to work. I suspect with my uncle he has paranoid schizophrenia. My uncle many years ago took my dad to a hospital, where someone suggested he may be a paranoid schizophrenic but when my dad answers to that he says that they “misdiagnosed” him. To that my uncle and I think he's in denial and has always lied and done all he could to be "right" in anything instead of admitting he's wrong.
Here's a dedication section for the light of my life. She doesn't deserve to have anything about her mixed in these other paragraphs, because i feel like that would be disrespecting her. She's the best person who's come into my life and I love her so much. I appreciate all that she does for me. Although a long-distance relationship which people may scoff at, I don't personally see this as a bad thing. I have preferences of my own and she does too. We are also in a middle of a pandemic and we both are virtual students doing remote learning. We met online. It's my plan to see her in person since she's a few states away up north. None of our parents know of this relationship at all. We have our reasons to why we did not tell our parents I don't want to speak of them at the moment. There are factors out of my girlfriend's control that I do not want to speak about but it's not her fault and it's things out of her control that does not allow me to escape the household I'm in right now through that method.
My dad is a fan of corporal punishment, loud and hard spankings in the rear end. Ever since I was an infant my dad would always tell me about how spankings are good and that I need to be spanked and stuff like that. My mom would constantly take the anger out on me, and these were in times before my aunt arrived in the United States and before my little cousin was born. In the 5th grade my mom refused to understand how I felt, I remember she always compared me to her friend’s children and Chinese kids because they were “obedient” and such. Obedience is important for a parent because they always want the best for their child, but the way my mom was appearing to describe this form of “obedience” was more like a slave to my ears. My mom also would spank me, she still does from time to time when she's angry, she'll spank me and doesn't care if it hurts or not because then she brings the topic of "How she's hurt" and a lot of times the only things she wants to talk about has to do with herself.
If I remember this correctly mom at one point said something along the lines of, “I wish I had a Chinese kid who was obedient and intelligent” or something like that. My mom has manipulated others into falling into her favor and is sometimes outright dishonest with people without a care for their feelings. Sometimes my mom is outright cold to people who did nothing to her. I have no one to turn to now. My dad has a few brothers, but one is in really poor health who can’t help me, my dad is the one who also has anger issues but his only excuse is that he is medicated and has a mental issue, and the other one has financial struggles and probably would fall in my mother’s favor. My mom is a master at manipulation, she really is. She has acted like a completely different person in front of others, acting as sweet as she can be in front of others to turning around and screaming and yelling the life out of me. Sometimes my mom would have me write out emails and text messages for her in English since she isn’t fluent in English. Sometimes I would use the words she said she would do for what situation she may be in and she said, “No that would sound abusive.” I remember one time my English teacher was complaining about my grades, and I admit that was my fault. I am a really bad procrastinator and have a passion for technology and want to work in a field having to do with technology. I love computer building and upgrading. My mom threatened to spank me or something like that, threatening a slew of things and I remember writing that response email to her about what she will to to “discipline me” but she said “No that would make me sound abusive” but I said “That’s your words, it’s better to be honest” but instead wrote “I will simply talk to my child, xyz” but after that all I got was yelling and screaming as the other two people who live with us refuse to do anything thinking it’s fine. I started being dishonest kind of recently, because I realized whether I'm honest or not to my mom, no difference is made. I used to be honest on how I performed in school and how things were because then it gives her the "I'm a perfect parent" kind of thinking and then doesn't treat me as bad. I didn't want to be dishonest with my mom but I didn't want to cry to sleep thinking about ending my life either since my mom I would consider a direct source to why I've had suicidal thoughts in the past. Right now, I have hope and with that hope I refuse to even think about killing myself.
My mom one time didn’t want me to talk at all for some reason and instead of asking me to stop, she slapped my face in the car as she passed a security camera near those traffic light things. She started overreacting saying that she hoped the cameras didn’t pick up because that would appear as abuse and she didn’t want me to be taken away from her. I wouldn’t want to be taken away either but not because I actually want to live with my mom, I just know DHR would put me in an abusive family or do nothing at all. My mom changes personalities like someone who has multiple personality disorder and it’s sick really. It really is sick, she is never consistent with who she is. If she was really the sweet person she paints herself as to other people then I would not be writing this right now. Right now I’m shelled inside, scared and near to tears right now. I see a therapist and my mom of course not liking it and all she thinks now in her words is, “I pay for a therapist and all you do is talk behind my back and talk bad about me” and such. I really really want to say my therapist is helping but so far he’s given me nothing but the same stuff you’d find a random person telling you. He didn’t seem that interested in helping and I don’t wanna say that because this is a guy who spent his life studying and being paid money to help but I really don’t see that he’s helping.
My mom always said that “Nothing is good for you’” to me, sometimes other people and when there’s even something I notice, even if it’s not an issue and may be a good thing, she immediately assumes it’s a complaint. I don’t complain as much as my mom does, sometimes I just take things the way it is while my mom complains to the bitter end until she can’t. I’m hurt, I feel hurt and mentally exhausted, I only realize how worse it really is now that I’m writing this because I’ve just been in denial trying to be on the realistic side but I realize that I’m in a battle of wits.
The maximum character limit won't let me continue, I have a pastebin of the last section of this. I wrote this yesterday planning to post the same day but didn't have time to post yesterday and had a few things to add so I'm posting today.
I’m the only male in the house at age 14. I’ve struggled to get my word out to anyone who could realistically help me. My mom is good at manipulation, and scares me to death. My dad does not live with us, he and my mom separated about 6 months after I was born going back to 2006. I recently come to learn that my dad requires medication to be mentally sane. Nobody knows his official diagnosis since he is very private but he has shed light on a few things that we can confirm, he takes medication and is required to legally of course. He gets disability checks because he is mentally unable to work. I suspect with my uncle he has paranoid schizophrenia. My uncle many years ago took my dad to a hospital, where someone suggested he may be a paranoid schizophrenic but when my dad answers to that he says that they “misdiagnosed” him. To that my uncle and I think he's in denial and has always lied and done all he could to be "right" in anything instead of admitting he's wrong.
Here's a dedication section for the light of my life. She doesn't deserve to have anything about her mixed in these other paragraphs, because i feel like that would be disrespecting her. She's the best person who's come into my life and I love her so much. I appreciate all that she does for me. Although a long-distance relationship which people may scoff at, I don't personally see this as a bad thing. I have preferences of my own and she does too. We are also in a middle of a pandemic and we both are virtual students doing remote learning. We met online. It's my plan to see her in person since she's a few states away up north. None of our parents know of this relationship at all. We have our reasons to why we did not tell our parents I don't want to speak of them at the moment. There are factors out of my girlfriend's control that I do not want to speak about but it's not her fault and it's things out of her control that does not allow me to escape the household I'm in right now through that method.
My dad is a fan of corporal punishment, loud and hard spankings in the rear end. Ever since I was an infant my dad would always tell me about how spankings are good and that I need to be spanked and stuff like that. My mom would constantly take the anger out on me, and these were in times before my aunt arrived in the United States and before my little cousin was born. In the 5th grade my mom refused to understand how I felt, I remember she always compared me to her friend’s children and Chinese kids because they were “obedient” and such. Obedience is important for a parent because they always want the best for their child, but the way my mom was appearing to describe this form of “obedience” was more like a slave to my ears. My mom also would spank me, she still does from time to time when she's angry, she'll spank me and doesn't care if it hurts or not because then she brings the topic of "How she's hurt" and a lot of times the only things she wants to talk about has to do with herself.
If I remember this correctly mom at one point said something along the lines of, “I wish I had a Chinese kid who was obedient and intelligent” or something like that. My mom has manipulated others into falling into her favor and is sometimes outright dishonest with people without a care for their feelings. Sometimes my mom is outright cold to people who did nothing to her. I have no one to turn to now. My dad has a few brothers, but one is in really poor health who can’t help me, my dad is the one who also has anger issues but his only excuse is that he is medicated and has a mental issue, and the other one has financial struggles and probably would fall in my mother’s favor. My mom is a master at manipulation, she really is. She has acted like a completely different person in front of others, acting as sweet as she can be in front of others to turning around and screaming and yelling the life out of me. Sometimes my mom would have me write out emails and text messages for her in English since she isn’t fluent in English. Sometimes I would use the words she said she would do for what situation she may be in and she said, “No that would sound abusive.” I remember one time my English teacher was complaining about my grades, and I admit that was my fault. I am a really bad procrastinator and have a passion for technology and want to work in a field having to do with technology. I love computer building and upgrading. My mom threatened to spank me or something like that, threatening a slew of things and I remember writing that response email to her about what she will to to “discipline me” but she said “No that would make me sound abusive” but I said “That’s your words, it’s better to be honest” but instead wrote “I will simply talk to my child, xyz” but after that all I got was yelling and screaming as the other two people who live with us refuse to do anything thinking it’s fine. I started being dishonest kind of recently, because I realized whether I'm honest or not to my mom, no difference is made. I used to be honest on how I performed in school and how things were because then it gives her the "I'm a perfect parent" kind of thinking and then doesn't treat me as bad. I didn't want to be dishonest with my mom but I didn't want to cry to sleep thinking about ending my life either since my mom I would consider a direct source to why I've had suicidal thoughts in the past. Right now, I have hope and with that hope I refuse to even think about killing myself.
My mom one time didn’t want me to talk at all for some reason and instead of asking me to stop, she slapped my face in the car as she passed a security camera near those traffic light things. She started overreacting saying that she hoped the cameras didn’t pick up because that would appear as abuse and she didn’t want me to be taken away from her. I wouldn’t want to be taken away either but not because I actually want to live with my mom, I just know DHR would put me in an abusive family or do nothing at all. My mom changes personalities like someone who has multiple personality disorder and it’s sick really. It really is sick, she is never consistent with who she is. If she was really the sweet person she paints herself as to other people then I would not be writing this right now. Right now I’m shelled inside, scared and near to tears right now. I see a therapist and my mom of course not liking it and all she thinks now in her words is, “I pay for a therapist and all you do is talk behind my back and talk bad about me” and such. I really really want to say my therapist is helping but so far he’s given me nothing but the same stuff you’d find a random person telling you. He didn’t seem that interested in helping and I don’t wanna say that because this is a guy who spent his life studying and being paid money to help but I really don’t see that he’s helping.
My mom always said that “Nothing is good for you’” to me, sometimes other people and when there’s even something I notice, even if it’s not an issue and may be a good thing, she immediately assumes it’s a complaint. I don’t complain as much as my mom does, sometimes I just take things the way it is while my mom complains to the bitter end until she can’t. I’m hurt, I feel hurt and mentally exhausted, I only realize how worse it really is now that I’m writing this because I’ve just been in denial trying to be on the realistic side but I realize that I’m in a battle of wits.
The maximum character limit won't let me continue, I have a pastebin of the last section of this. I wrote this yesterday planning to post the same day but didn't have time to post yesterday and had a few things to add so I'm posting today.
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