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I wanted to runaway since I was 15

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  • I wanted to runaway since I was 15

    As the title says, I want to runaway since I was 15. Am 17 now, but the reason has changed why I want to runaway. First I wanted to leave because of my brother's condition. He suffers from autism and the truth is, I have talked to him badly because of it. Now I have regret everything I said about him, but I can't take care of him as my parents say I should. And that's the point. My dad has an old friend who's son suffers from autism too, and his daughter always takes care of him. I remember my dad saying to me "why aren't you like that girl? She takes care of her brother! Why aren't you?" And that made me feel like this girl is better than me. And he's right. I should have taken care of him and be patient with him, rather than curse him. But... I just can't. He deserves another sister. I failed as a big sister and as a daughter. To make my parents happy for taking care of him. I will leave home then. They can live better without me. That's the first reason I wanted to runaway.

    The most annoying thing is that people ask me if I have friends, so I can "bear" somehow this difficult situation. Like, why should I do have friends? Is this something wrong? Is it so important? No, I don't have friends. And the reason is that I can't make emotional bonds with someone. I feel that as I grow up, I become cold and emotionless. I placed bars around my heart and it can't feel. That's how it is.

    ​​​​
    ​​​​​​Now the second reason for wanting to runaway is that am not independent. And I feel ashamed for that. My mom wishes to see me going to the university and see me succeeding my dreams. I've always wanted to make movies. Become a director or even an actor, and play in movies. I still want to. But I won't do anything without mom. Am such a mom's kid. Last month, she went to the capital of our country for a few days for some business, and I couldn't sleep well when night came. When dad came to my room, he was like "why aren't you sleeping? Do you miss your mommy?" He was talking like a bully trying to make me feel bad. The next day, he called mom and told her to come back because I won't bear it. He was like "come back to see your daughter. I don't think she'll sleep tonight" and so, she did came. I haven't felt so ashamed before! Last time I felt ashamed that bad, was when I peed myself in the kindergarten.

    My cousins are way more independent than me. Last year, my older cousin entered the university when he turned his 18 years of his life, and his little sister took the ferry to visit grandma in her hometown. And she was all alone in the ship. If I was her, I would have had a panic attack thinking the ship is going to fall into the sea. My cousins though, lost their mother when they were kids. She died by breast cancer. She was my aunt, and my mom's sister. And I admire them for their independence. I guess they can even travel the world by themselves.

    So... That's why I want to runaway. That's the second reason. I want to be independent. I want to fulfill my dreams. I don't want to be called "the mom's kid" anymore. I want my mother to take care of my brother and not me! Am 17 years old now, I can take care of myself. I can leave home. How bad can it possibly be? The first days it will be difficult, but I'll get used to it.

  • #2
    Hi,
    Thanks for reaching out to the National Runaway Safeline, and telling us your story. It was powerfully written. It sounds like life at home is pretty tough, and we hope we can offer some helpful information that will lead you to make the best decision for yourself.
    It sounds like for the two reasons you mentioned, you are not feeling the kind of dignity you deserve to feel at home. In spite of trying your best at being a commendable daughter and sister, you still feel you come up short. This must be a hard feeling to hold. Now that you are 17, you want to run away. Running away can sometimes be the best option. It is important to know that leaving without consent can be tricky, as the police can sometimes get involved (if your parents report you as a runaway) and you can be made to return home. Therefore, the best way to leave home is to procure parental consent. But we understand this is not always possible.
    You might consider enlisting other people in your life to help you talk to your parents about what you want to do. Other adults, like family members, parents of friends, or even a school counselor can be good resources. If you ever want, you can call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY and we can initiate a conference call with your parents in which we will mediate a conversation between you two. Through the conversation, you can voice your needs in a healthy way, and maybe even get the consent to leave that you need.
    We hope that this is helpful to you. In any case, we will always be here to talk. You can reach out by calling the number above or instant messaging us at 1800runaway.org. We hope you stay safe and stay strong.
    Sincerely,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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