sick&tired.

[Guest]

i want to run away; or become emancipated or somethinq because i cant stand livinq at home. recently i qot back in contact with on old bf, who was older than me and my dad found out. when he confronted me about it, i told him the truth and he went off. he chocked me and pulled my hair and banqed my head on the wall. and since he said something, my mom tried to join in like she has some initial say in the matter. [which i cant stand, because she acts like an echo; she just pipes it up.] but anyway; he was yellinq at me callinq me a hoe; and triflin; and a whore. and then my mom jumps in saying how dissappointed she is. but i could really care less what she thinks riqht now.

my mom is bipolar and shes been that way forever. shes been in the hospitalized for it a few times, the most recent was about late auqust '08. i remember when i was little; we were drivinq; & it was me; mom; my two brothers; and my aunt. my mom told my aunt to qet out of the car, so that she could drive into a wall with my and my brothers still inside. it was a really lonq time aqo and its crazy that i still remember, but its weird how i remember when my mom has always said stuff like to me or my brothers. but it pisses me off when she claims she doesnt remember and acts like shes so perfect when shes not. shes very judgemental and doesnt let me do anything. i've practically committed social suicide because she tries to pick and choose my friends for me. and when i qet invited out places she never lets me qo, but always comes up with some excuse. but then she turns around and tells me to "branch out" and make new friends. im quite happy with the homies that i have, she just doesnt want me with them because i picked them on my own.

since im the only qirl i've always been a loner at my house, but i started talkinq to my aunts more a few years aqo. they were the first ones i told when i qot raped and its just been easier to tell them everythinq else because they dont judge me; or yell; or make me feel inferior about it. it was the same way with my grandmother; i considered her my mother because she was always there. when i qot kicked out when i was 11; she was riqht there for me. but then my mom shows up sayinq how she "wants her child back". which is funny because she would always say i am not a child of hers and that she wanted me dead.

my dad on the other hand, was out of my life for the first 10 years i quess. he was sent to prison when i was like 4 and got out when i was 9. i dont really remember him before he was put in. but since hes been out, i wish he wasnt here. he works a lot and he picks and chooses when he wants to be a father. im at that age where a lot of things get on my nerves but hes just a constant annoyance. i am always tempted to ask "why are you here ?" but i dont. he always says that i give him my ass to kiss, which isnt the case. i just want some time and attention from him, and its not much. hes a karate instructor and he likes to spend all his time with other peoples kids. so do i have to write a check to spend 1 hour with my own father ? psh hes not even worth it.

so now its complicated because my mom limits who i can talk to, and she tries to cut me off from both of my aunts and my friends, so i basically have nothing left. my boyfriend is always there but its difficult to tell him these thinqs because he doesnt know what its like. i cry so much now and i really dont want to cut aqain. the first time it was easy but idk if i would be able to stop if i did it again. & and if i did, i would be re-admitted into a mental spot; cuz my dad keeps threateninq to do it. im not emo or anything, but i just dont know what else to do about anything anymore. CYS has been involved a couple times and im just at my wits end with everythinq, and i really want help. my life is in shambles, and i either want control of it; or for it to be over.

[ccsmod7]

Re: sick&tired.

Thanks so much for reaching out and telling us a bit about your situation. It certainly sounds like there is a lot going on at home and you are feeling pretty frustrated by your situation. You mentioned quite a few things that are going on at home that seems to be making the situation worse, and that it’s gotten so bad you are at the point where you are thinking of leaving.

You mentioned having issues with your mom from the very beginning and it certainly sounds like dealing with her bipolar behavior has been very difficult. You said that even when you were younger you remember things that happened with your mom that sounded like pretty dangerous situations. Does your mom take any medication or see a counselor to deal with her bipolar? Do you think it would help the situation if she was getting help on a regular basis?

You also said that your dad has come back into the picture and this has been hard as well. The incident that recently happened with your boyfriend sounds very upsetting and not safe. You mentioned that your dad has not only been calling you names but that he tried to choke you and pulled your hair. Obviously no one deserves to be treated like that in any way and you have every reason to feel safe in your own home. You said that child protective services had been involved at one time. What happened when they were involved and is there still a case open? It is definitely your right to let someone know that your dad threatened and hit you. Does anyone know that happens? Is there anyone you can speak with like a teacher, counselor, or other family member?

It sounds like you have done a lot of things in order to cope with the situation at home, some you even realize you don’t want to start again, like cutting. When’s the last time that you cut, is there anyone that knows that you do that? It’s difficult because it sounds like you feel you have no control over what is happening and that’s never an easy feeling to have. Is there anything you feel you can do that will make the situation better? It sounds like you do have some good supports with your boyfriend and friends; do they know the situation you’ve been going through? Have you ever thought about speaking with a counselor?

So if you decided to leave the house how do you think your mom and dad would react? Would they get the police involved and make a runaway report? Have you ever left the house before and do you have a safe place to go? While we are not here to tell you what to do, we do want to make sure you are going to be safe. If you feel like you want to talk more about this situation you can always give us a call at 1-800-RUNAWAY. We are a completely confidential hotline that is available 24 hours a day. If you just need to vent about the situation, talk about options, and even find possible resources we are here to help. We are so glad that you were able to contact us and we hope to hear from you soon if there is anything else you need.

[Guest]

Re: sick&tired.

My mom put herself into a facility in late August of '08, but i dont think she takes the meds now. Sometimes shes okay, but then she'll turn around and act different. I know my mom won't ever change and I don't like dealing with it because im supposed to be the child, but instead i always feel like i have to look out for myself, like i live with a bunch of strangers or something.

In school a few years ago, my school called people because they saw the bruises and when they called home, i got kicked out. so they were the reason for me getting kicked out the first time, and i was like 11 or so. they didnt do anything, because i ended up back home a few days later. so calling them was pointless because they didnt help the situation at all for me. my mom is super fake and she knows how to persuade people because she acts all nice in front of people but with us shes ridiculous.

Last time i cut was Sept. '08, and thats when they had me committed. It wasnt that bad, but they made me stay there for a week and made me take meds, but NO ONE would tell me what for. i didnt get diagnosed and they made me see a shrink, which was a waste of money because i didnt want to be there period. i didnt know her and didnt feel like talking to someone i didnt know for them to judge me and try to tell me how i feel or if something was wrong with me mentally which isnt the case. My friends and my boyfriend dont know the whole situation, since i tend to not tell that part of my life. I dont want them to be in the middle of my drama cuz when it comes down to it, they have lives too and i dont want to burden them with mine.

If i left, i think they would call the police. Since my dad claims he knows sooo many people in law enforcement, Which is actually ironic since hes a convict. I honestly think he is full of sht. I never left before but i have always thought about it, but i would have somewhere to go if i left.

[ccsmod8]

Re: sick&tired.

Hello,

So nice of you to reply at us at the National Runaway Switchboard. So much has happen to you and it is not your fault. We certainly empathize with your situation and wish that you can call us to figure out other options as well. We hear you on the fact are fed up with all that has happened to you and it sounds like you could use a change in your life. You deserve a chance to live free of all these issues. Afterall, you are child as you said. It is best to live a life where you are safe and without fear of danger.

We are never going to feel that your issues are a burden to us. We imagine it is not easy for you to not have people you can talk with about this. It shows you care a lot for your friends, in that you only lay so much on them. We want to hear from you and be a listening ear in this time of need. We are here 24 hours a day at 1800RUNAWAY. We are not counseling but we can talk to you about the issues you are having and guide you to make the best of the situation. We feel the bulletin is just the first step to getting to know you story but hope that by calling us, you are able to vent a little and get more insights into ways to cope. We wish you the best and hope that we hear from you soon. Good luck.

-NRS