I can't take this anymore

[Guest]

I'm 15 and my mom is an alcoholic and every time she recovers she relapses within the next few weeks/months. My life has been a rollercoaster of being completely fine to almost attempting suicide on many occasions. She recently relapsed after 4 months of being sober and I just can't take it anymore. I cry all the time, I research ways to kill myself or her and ways to run away. I have to leave my house and go somewhere else just to avoid yelling. We've called the cops multiple times because of her and they NEVER ********ING CARE. I never feel safe at home anymore, the smell of wine makes me want to throw up and our whole house smells like it. I'm scared to make any amount of noise all the time. I've had to be out at night all by myself for hours. I'm so sick and tired of everything and I just want to ********ing die already. She screams and throws things and insults me and my family and I just want her to be sober because I still kind of love her but only when she's sober and I just want to see my mom I'm so tired of being lied to and belittled and I just want someone to care about me and I want to be able to do things that make me happy without being scared and I just want to feel safe but I'm never going to be

[ccsmod15]

Thanks for reaching out to NRS,
That seems like a really scary and frustrating situation. You should never have to feel that way because of a parent’s actions. It’s even harder that it’s something that she can at least partially control, it makes sense to feel confused emotions about your mom. It seems like when she is sober she is able to care for you better, but it seems like that isn’t the state she is usually in. You should be able to feel safe at home and she isn’t providing that and could be putting you at risk in many ways, but there may be ways to find ways to feel safe until you can provide for yourself.
The first option that comes to mind is possible neglect, or abuse reporting. For more information you can go to childhelp.org. Usually your parent wouldn’t face many legal consequences, while CPS may try to either remove you from her care, or make her sober up in a program in order to keep custody. If you decide that is right for you we can help you make a report if you wanted help.
Another option might be finding family counseling, or personal counseling for you and your mom. It seems like your mom does care for you, just isn’t able to keep herself sober in order to properly care for you. It’s possible that with more support she could stay sober. That is by no means your responsibility to help, and she is an adult and should be able to recognize her own problems and get the help she needs on her own. But it doesn’t hurt to explore the option with her, or try to find counseling for yourself personally that you can talk to about the situation and find safe coping strategies so you can try and do things you find fun again.
Last option would be getting her permission to live with a friend or other family, or even a shelter. If you have her permission to live elsewhere you may not need to involve state authorities, and you can be somewhere safer and more supportive.
Again, we are here to support you and hope that these options give you some ideas to get through your difficult situation. If you want to talk more, or have more questions you can always reach out hotline at 1-800-786-2929.