i dont know anymore

[Guest]

I am turning 14 in October, and everything has been a ********storm up until now. Putting it in light terms, my dad has an alcohol addiction. I found out when I was eight since he came home drunk out of his mind. My parents were fighting right in front of me, and my first thought wasn´t to protect myself, but my three year old sister. I knew I wasn't a little girl anymore. It got a lot worse when I was ten and could comprehend everything better. It wasn't until this year that I could confirm that my parents were in a toxic relationship. When I was 12, the worst fight broke out. I knew my parents' fights got physical, but it was never in front of us. But this day was different. They were screaming at each other, and they were heavily drinking. I never saw my mom drink, so it made me uncomfortable to see her throw up. I kept checking on them, just to make sure that my mom was not getting hurt. So I took my sister to the bedroom (mind you this was happening from around after breakfast, and now it was almost dinner). I turned off the TV I used to distract ourselves with and took my sister to our bedroom. Then I heard glass shatter. I peeked over the corridor and saw at least three broken bottles and my dad dragging my mom by the hair off of her seat. Everything after that was a blur. I can´t really comprehend what happened after that. But this was my normal. My dad would get wasted, my mom would flip out, my dad would say he will change, my mom believes him, and it all repeats again. Last December, it got to a point where we sent him to therapy in Virginia (which is 6 hours away, since we´re in CT). He was supposed to go for six months. The time where it was just my mom as a parental figure was confusing. She was so angry. My relationship with my mom was never good. She was hard on me, and would hit me if I got bad grades or couldn´t grasp a certain concept. And by bad grades, Iḿ not talking about school, I was surfing through school, I´m talking about the extra math classes that she put me in (I mean, you can´t blame a fifth grader for not understanding how to graph exponential growth functions). But I never complained about my life, because a lot of people have it worse, my problems aren´t that big. It´s just, I understand my mom is frustrated, she has every single right to be, but I can´t get her to understand that it´s hard for everyone, not just her. I´m going through this as well. I feel so alone though. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is getting better, but then I always do something and mess it up. Lately, my emotions have been crazy. I don't cry, because when my parents are fighting and I cry, then my sister´s gonna cry. But recently, I´ve been randomly crying for absolutely no reason. My older cousin who´s like a sister to me told me I should consider therapy, but I don´t know if it´s my pride or the fact that I don't know what my family is gonna think (because Indians ¨don´t believe in therapy¨), but I can´t bring myself to go to therapy. What should I do?

[ccsmod2]

Hello There,
Thank you so much for reaching out to The National Runaway Safeline, we are here to help and here to listen. It sounds like you are going through a really difficult time right now, and we want you to know that you are not alone.
Dealing with a family member who has an addiction can be extremely hard for anyone, and we are sorry you are going through that. It is understandable to feel lonely and to be frustrated from all the fighting and having to deal with this. It also seems your mother is not handling this well either as she is drinking and taking her frustrations out on you which is not fair.
We know you mentioned not wanting to go to therapy and was not sure if it was your pride or your culture. Just like your dad went to therapy for his addiction, it may be helpful for you as well to be able to cope with all of this. One option to consider is to talk with your mother about the possibility of doing individual therapy or family therapy. If therapy is just not your thing that is okay and there are other options that may help. One option to consider would be Alateen, which is a support group for teens of alcoholics. You can search alateen online and see if there are groups in your area, it is confidential and it is free. Also one option to consider is researching about alcohol addiction, because if you know more about the disease you may have a better understanding of things happening with your dad.
We hope this information will be helpful to you in your situation. If you have any more questions or would like to explore more options, please give us a call. We are here 24/7 to listen and to provide support. We wish you the best of luck!
NRS