Verbal Threatening

Ok, I have a quick question. I'm a 16 year old girl, living with both parents and my two younger sisters(13 and 10). Recently some things have come up and I'm not quite sure how to react. My dad is affiliated with the local police department as a vice-narcotics detective, specifically the meth lab team. He does undercover assignments, and is under pretty constant stress. Lately, whenever I do something that he doesn't like, he smacks me hard enough to leave a mark for a day or two, usually on my leg, back, or arm. He's also taken to threatening me when I don't do what he wants by saying, "Don't make me hurt you, because I know exactly what the limits are for child abuse prosecution, and I can promise you I know exactly what to do."

I love my dad, but this is starting to wear me down and I'm not doing as well in school as I used to. My mom doesn't say anything when he does it, and he doesn't care if my little sisters are around. I know he's smacked the 13 year old at least once, and he's done it in front of her friends before because she changed the radio station without asking his permission. I'm not seriously contemplating running away, because other than this I know I have a really good life. I stayed at the local teen shelter for a little bit a year and a half ago, and I know what I would have to face on the streets.

If you have any advice or suggestions, I would really appreciate it. I know my dad is under a lot of stress, but I don't want to have to make excuses for him all the time, and I am worried for my little sisters. We tried family counseling when I was at the teen shelter, but he decided that he didn't need to see "a stupid shrinky dink" to fix our problems. Thank you so much for your help!

[ccsmod1]

Re: Verbal Threatening

Thanks for reaching out to us. We’re glad you were comfortable enough to share a little bit of what’s been going on. It certainly sounds like a difficult situation to be in. You deserve to feel safe and happy at home; without fear of being hit or threatened. From all you wrote, it sounds like this is something you’ve been dealing with for a little while now. It also sounds like you’ve tried a few different things to make home a place you feel safe and comfortable. You mentioned that your mom stays out of it. Has she ever expressed an opinion one way or the other about your dad hitting you? It’s probably incredibly difficult to feel like your mom isn’t stepping in and helping when you feel hurt by your dad.

You wrote that your dad works for the police department and expressed in the past that he knows “what to do”. That’s a pretty harsh statement and it’s understandable why you’re ready for a change. Have you ever told anyone that your dad has hit you and left marks? Have you ever considered reporting this to your local Child Protective Services (CPS)? It would make complete sense if this was something you weren’t sure if you wanted to do. One organization that might be able to help you in this area is Child Help USA. They have a confidential hotline and are able to answer questions about what is considered abuse/neglect, what’s reportable, what CPS might do, etc. We know the general answers to some of these questions, but we don’t know the specifics of CPS. They have a website www.childhelp.org as well as a 24/7 hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD Just because something’s not enough to be prosecuted for child abuse, doesn’t mean that the local CPS can’t/won’t get involved. Often, CPS is able to help families with local resources to make the necessary changes so everyone feels okay being at home. To the best of our knowledge, it’s never okay to hit your child and especially not leave marks. If you wanted to talk to your local CPS anonymously, this is something we’d be happy to help you out with. If you were to call our hotline, talked a little about what was going on, we could help you conference a call to the local CPS. We would be able to help you talk to them without telling them who you are or actually making a report. The important thing for you to know is that if we get personal information from you (name, address, phone number, parents’ names), we would have to report what’s going on to CPS. This is because we’re mandated reports, the same as teachers, counselors, etc. However, since we’re a confidential and anonymous hotline, we don’t need any of this information to talk to you.

Again, we completely understand that you may not want to call CPS. We’re not here to tell you what to do or what not to do. We want to be here for you when you need someone to talk to, we want to listen to you, encourage you and try to help you come up with possible options. We respect your right to decide what’s right for you and your family. What is it that you’d like to see happen? Is there anything that you think would help, but maybe you’re not sure how to accomplish it? Your post mentioned both counseling and staying at a shelter, but neither made much of a difference because your dad didn’t follow through. It’s got to be frustrating to be in a situation where the main problem is someone else’s actions and reactions. You wrote at the end of your post that you don’t want to continue to make excuses for your dad. This is absolutely something you should never have to do and shouldn’t have to continue to do. You sound like a great older sister to be watching out for the safety of your younger sisters.

We’d love to talk to you further about all that’s been going on, if you’re willing and able to call us. Someone is always here. As we said before we’re 100% confidential and anonymous. We can help you talk through different options, conference will local agencies or the local CPS. Whatever it is that you decide is the best thing for you and your sisters is what we will do our best to help you with. We look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime, stay safe.