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I've reached my breaking point.

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  • I've reached my breaking point.

    I don’t know where to start my parents split when I was 3 and basically my father wants nothing to do with me. My whole life I’ve had to follow in my older sisters shoes, straight A’s and just all around perfect. I was far from it and no one wanted to accept me for it. My siblings and I never got along my brother till this day like to beat on me, he is just so enraged. Well my perfect sister moved back home a few days ago and it’s been terrible! It was bad while she was gone so much pressure was put on me since I was 11 I’ve been needing to clean the house, cook dinner, and make sure everything was perfect, I felt so unappreciated I never got any thanks. When I was 13 I was rapped it crushed me. I have major trust issues so no one ever found out I became very depressed after that and suicidal. I was given a shrink and medication but nothing helped. It’s a battle I face every day. My brother has always been jealous of me and thought I would get everything but it was far from it. I had to get a job at the age of 14 to help pay bills well my older brother and sister didn’t, which made my grades drop to all F’s. I couldn’t focus in school my thoughts were over powering me to the point I’d go to the bathroom and just cry. I dropped out of public school a year later and started cyber school. I stopped caring and stopped cleaning. I work 5 days a week and brought all my grades up to A’s with one B- but that is not good enough for my mother. My sister became addicted to drugs and my mom tries to take all her anger out on me for that. My sister was arrested and lives at home as I said earlier and my mother would like me to pity her. Last year she brought her ex boy friend over she was 18 he was 27 he asked me to walk to the house with him so he can change his clothes and he pushed me on the bed and tried to rape me, I wasn’t letting it happen a second time. I told my sister she didn’t believe me for my own flesh and blood to look me in my eyes and call me a liar broke my heart. She use to be my hero and I would do so much for her I mean it was crazy how much I would do for her (cleaning her room, raise 7000 for her to attend a class trip). What hurts the most is that I just turned 16 and she couldn’t even spend that night at home, going to a party was more important. I’ve been so enraged since then. Every little thing I flip over and when I try to express myself I got shot down. No one wants to hear my feelings they tell me to get over it. I’m 16 and they aspect me to take the world on by myself. I actually hit my mother in the face two nights ago by accident and it felt so good. All the pain she put me though, the lies, the hard work she doesn’t appreciate, and I feel terrible that I loved it. Talking things out does not work with my family. When I try to stay calm and they blow me off I just become violent and I can’t control myself. I don’t know what to do where to go or how to handle myself anymore. I can’t stay in this house though it’s going to end in me being dead or me killing one of them. I’ve reached my breaking point.

  • #2
    Re: I've reached my breaking point.

    We’re glad you found our bulletin boards and hope we can be a safe space for you to express all that’s been bottled up inside. We’re so sorry to read all the things that you’ve been through over the last several years. We imagine that this is only a part of your journey as well. It sounds like you’ve had so much to deal with and should feel proud for making it as far as you had. From all you wrote, it makes sense why you’ve reached a breaking point. Do you have people in your life you’re able to turn to during these difficult times?

    When you say that you’re at a breaking point, what exactly do you mean by this? You mentioned near the end of your post that staying at your house is going to result in either you being dead or you killing one of them. When you refer to you being dead, do you mean ending your own life? Have you ever attempted to commit suicide in the past? Do you plan on committing suicide? Suicide is a very serious option because it’s permanent. If this is something you ever feel strongly about, know that there are people out there that want to help. There’s a National Suicide Hotline that can be reached 24 hours a day. The number is 1-800-SUICIDE. We hope that if this is something you ever seriously consider, that you’ll be comfortable reaching out to us or the suicide hotline.
    You wrote about several other things that have been a burden to you in the past years. You mention quite a few different conflicts between family members. From what you said, it seems these conflicts have been and continue to be a great strain on you. You mentioned that talking to your family does not help you. You did write that hitting your mom a few days ago felt good, even though you felt a little bad about it later. Is there anything that does help you with your family? It’s probably so hard to continually try to make things better and still feel all the pain.

    You also mentioned an instance of being raped and then attempted again. These experiences sound like they’ve been incredibly hard to move on from, understandably so. You also wrote that you’ve been in therapy and on medication, but none of it helped. If you ever feel like reaching out to someone specifically about this, there’s a hotline called RAINN. They have a hotline, 1-800-656-4673. When people call the hotline, they connect the call to either a local crisis hotline or crisis center. They also have an online chat if you’re not comfortable calling. This can be accessed via their website www.rainn.org.

    Does anything help when you’re feeling really down? What are some things that make you happy? We’re so glad that you felt comfortable reaching out to us and hope that you’re able to find comfort knowing that people out there do care. We’re certainly not here to tell you what to do or think, we just want to offer a listening ear, words of encouragement and help you think of possible options. What do you think would help right now? If you could wake up tomorrow and everything would be different, what would that look like? Is there anything that’s within your control to change that would help? Sometimes the situations that are the hardest are the ones that involve other people’s actions and reactions. Regardless of what your other family members are going through, you deserve to feel safe and be happy at home. We would love to talk to you more in depth about all of this. There is someone here all the time. We’re completely confidential and anonymous. In the meantime we hope you stay safe. Best of luck.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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