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I don't know what to do anymore

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  • I don't know what to do anymore

    I'm a 15 year old girl, I just moved in with my mother and step father, and 4 sisters from my abusive Aunt. It's been a few years, and all I ever do is mess up. My own family tells me I'm a screw up, and it hurts. I'm the oldest, so it's natural to get the most, but my sisters get the easy way through, meanwhile, I get the full crap, especially from my stepdad. My stepdad has been the worst to me. He has touched me in ways I'm too embarrassed to say. My own mother tells me to go ******** myself, and she doesn't care that she makes me cry. I'm a very sensitive person, and I didn't grow up with her. To be honest, and this may sound terrible, but I only moved here to get away from my abusive aunt, whom I lived with for 7 years. I've lived with my mother for 3 years, and since I've been here, I've been nothing but a dumbass, who has mental issues, and is always left out. I've tried to kill myself 3 times, and I have self harmed myself more times than I can count. I know they hate me, I love them, but at the same time I want nothing to do with them. The longer I stay, the more depressed I feel. I suffer from BPD, many forms of anxiety, and dyspraxia, (Clumsy child disorder). Because of my dyspraxia, I'm always getting into trouble, and always hated on by my parents. They don't care that I have a medical excuse, they treat me like trash compared to my sisters. I've lost so many people, my best friend killed himself, my father died in a car accident, a close cousin of mine died recently. Normally, I'd have my art and my online friends to talk to and help me deal with this, but because I forgot to clean the kitchen properly, my mother took everything away from me, and I have nothing but this useless laptop, that literally almost everything is blocked. I'm lonely, I'm tired, I don't wanna die, but I can't deal with them for much longer. I'm in so much pain, and they don't care. I have no family that wants me because I'm a mess up, . I'm an idiot, and a terrible human being. I try and I try, nothing works. I'm lost. I want to run away, find a place to stay, get a job, work hard and provide for myself, but I don't know how. I'm on the verge of snapping. If my stepdad got hit my truck in front of me, I'd laugh, and walk away. That's how close I am to breaking. I want a childhood, but they don't let me be a 15 year old. They keep telling me. "If you don't work like us, you'll end up like your dad." I hate when they bring him up, because I miss him so much. They, again, don't care. They tell me to my face they don't care. I'm in pain. They don't care. I need help with this, I can't stay here much longer, someone please help me get out of here. Thank you

  • #2
    Hello,

    First, thank you for reaching out for help with us. We honor you sharing your story and your feelings. Our deepest condolences on the loss of your father, best friend, and your cousin. You've been through a lot and you deserve to be taken seriously and are worthy of care. Please know we are here to help in any way we can. You don't have to face all this alone. By the way, it looks like you've posted a few times in this forum so we will just respond to everything right here.

    One thing we can say for certain: you absolutely do not deserve any of the abuse you've experienced. You have described some very intense situations (particularly the inappropriate touching by your stepfather) that merit filing an abuse report, if you want. We know sometimes that is a hard choice to make, but you do have that right. If an abuse report is made it would likely lead to a child protective services investigation. They would likely interview you and determine what the best course of action is. If things are deemed detrimental to your well being, you could be removed from the home, though this doesn't always happen immediately. If you want to file an abuse report you can do that through your state's child abuse reporting hotline or through Child Help (www.childhelp.org) at 1-800-422-4453. You can also file through us here at National Runaway Safeline. But again, whether you decide to file or not is up to you. We honor whatever decision you make and support you either way.Since you mention what sounds like possible sexual abuse we'd like to share the number to the Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-4673, www.rainn.org. They can also provide vital support as you process and heal from all that has happened.

    We are also pretty concerned when you talk about killing yourself, and having had a friend that killed themselves. That's pretty serious. If you ever feel suicidal, please reach out for the help you deserve. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is staffed by people trained to talk about suicide, so they are a great resource. You can reach them at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org or call 1-800-273-8255. You can also reach out to us anytime to talk about suicide or anything else on your mind. We are confidential and open 24/7 at 1-800-RUNAWAY or by chat at www.1800runaway.org. We want you to be safe. Things can get better and you have many options besides suicide. Since you mention having some mental illness you might also consider reaching out to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) for help as well (www.nami.org). Their number is 1-800-950-6264 or text NAMI to 741741.

    It makes total sense that you would want to run away and leave such a toxic environment. That is something we definitely would like to talk to you about. Considering all that you've been through, there may be local shelters that can provide assistance to you, or other organizations in your area that can help that we can connect you with. You deserve to be safe and treated with respect. We'd like to help with that if you reach out to us at 1-800-RUNAWAY or chat with us via the portal at www.1800runaway.org.

    Here for you,
    NRS
    Last edited by ccsmod15; 04-21-2020, 02:09 PM.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)
    https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/YourOpinionMattersToUs

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