feeling suicidal for the wrong reasons

[Guest]

the thing that stops most people from killing themselves is that they don't want their parents to be sad.
I want to kill myself to make my parents feel as much pain as possible.
I've already written my suicide note and I said "I want you both to feel as responsible for this as possible. I have wanted to kill myself only to bring pain to you since I was 13. I wish you the worst."
I made it abundantly clear that I do not blame depression or anyone besides them. I want them to feel how they've made me felt every day of my life for as long as I can remember.
but i don't want to die.
and I don't want to be the kid who has to stay with someone's family. I refuse to be a burden. I have open arms, places to stay. But I can't bring myself to do that. I have no other family besides my immediate family.
i dont know what to do. I'm sick of living in this hell.

[ccsmod15]

Hello,
Thank you for reaching out to us during this difficult time. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and resentment towards your parents. Your suicide note sounds like it is full of pain and anger, but you also stated that you do not wish to die. It might be a good idea to talk to a professional about this, since feelings of this kind can slowly eat away at you for years, as you are discovering. One option would be to talk to a school counselor or psychiatrist. It takes courage to reach out before you do something permanet, and we would encourage you to reach to a person in your community who could help. If this seems like too big of a step to take, you can always contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-272-8255.
We understand how feeling trapped and frustrated can make it seem like the only way out is to do something permanent and irreversible. We would encourage you to consider calling us before making any final decisions about your ending your life. We are here for you 24/7 at 1-800-RUNAWAY or come chat with us, we are here to listen, here to help.