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Hey, I’m 14. I can’t stand my father or being around him. It’s hard for me to navigate the house at anytime because I fear encountering him. I can’t stand his voice or anything about him, he makes me feel sick and repulsed. When he’s nearby, I can barely breathe. I just want to vanish out of sight. I’m feeling so trapped here. Foster care likely won’t do me much better, especially with my current mental state, but CPS is probably gonna get involved soon anyway since I haven’t been to school for just about two months (due to a crap load of mental stuff). He knows the things he does make me so uncomfortable. He couldn’t give less of a ******** about how I’m doing, and it’s so evident. He tries to make some of the things he does out to be him “looking out for me” but I know that’s a lie. If I’ve ever tried to open up to him over the course of my life, it’s been met with everything getting worse. He’ll curse me out for hours and hours on end and go on about his life. He’ll delegitimize everything I talk about. Any discomfort I express (body language-wise or verbally) gets met with him going on tangents about how I need to respect him, and how I suddenly disrespect all authority in my life (Despite never doing so), or he’ll throw a pity party about his troubled childhood and begin to guilt trip me with it. If he wanted to silence me, he’s been effective. It’s like he’s a narcissist, but then again, he’s nice to me sometimes, gives me a card to spend on food and stuff every now and then, or sometimes he’ll pick up candy for me so it’s not like he only gives a ******** about himself (or maybe it’s manipulation, but I’m not sure what to believe). I fear misunderstanding him, hating him and making him out to be ‘the bad guy’ for no reason. We just moved from a studio apartment to a two bedroom. He constantly went on about how I’d have no reason to be uncomfortable at all after we moved. He promised me privacy, but that was a lie. Most recent instance: I was catching up on sleep and woke up to my father threatening to “rip the door off it’s ********ing hinges,” while banging on the door as it was locked. He previously told me that was fine if I wanted to lock the door, so this was unexpected. He then went on a rant about how he didn’t give a ******** about what I wanted, how I’m a child and shouldn’t be allowed to lock doors, etc. I was panicking, and felt as though I was paralyzed, so I didn’t open the door. I tried to play it off as if I were sleeping, as I was a few minutes ago. He picked the lock open and got further pissed off at the fact that I was “sleeping”. I fear soon enough I won’t have my phone, and as “gen-zish” and stupid that may sound, it’s the only semi-sustainable way I have to cope with life or get in contact with anyone.
I want mental help so bad, but it’s not like I can genuinely bring it up around my father. We “agreed” on getting me therapy a long while back, but he doesn’t take it seriously. He only uses this to invalidate anything I’d ever say, to provoke an argument, or mock me for the fun of it.
“Well you’re so crazy anyway, you can’t even go to school.”
Aside from this home situation, I’m either far too anxious or too depressed to really go to school. I feel so ugly and uncomfortable constantly, I don’t want to be seen by anyone. My eating disorder makes a lot of things difficult, and I’m closeted as trans. It’s contributing to everything, way more than I can explain.
I don’t feel safe here at all anymore, despite having yet to experience physical violence. Admittedly, I wish I had experienced physical violence, it’s so much more straightforward and easy to explain, everything would feel valid. I never want to hear him yell at me or my baby siblings ever again. For the past 6ish months, I haven’t been able to go an hour without thinking about my father going off on me. I can’t help but cry all the time about it, it’s just becoming more and more traumatic for me. I’m constantly on edge. I full on panic at the sound of any doors, floorboards, and text notifications. There’s nothing I feel like I can do. I can’t get a job (no school, no working papers. I doubt anyone would want me working for them anywa), let alone trust myself to keep one. I can’t stay with family as far as I know, the one who took me in after I was taken away from my mother, was a manipulative narcissist, living in a tiny apartment of 4 and only kept me around to make herself look good amongst other family members. I truly feel trapped and I have no idea what to do. I’d try to wait it out, but there’s only so much I can take, four more years won’t cut it
(I kinda went on a rant myself. I apologize for the length. It’s just too much for me to carry)
I want mental help so bad, but it’s not like I can genuinely bring it up around my father. We “agreed” on getting me therapy a long while back, but he doesn’t take it seriously. He only uses this to invalidate anything I’d ever say, to provoke an argument, or mock me for the fun of it.
“Well you’re so crazy anyway, you can’t even go to school.”
Aside from this home situation, I’m either far too anxious or too depressed to really go to school. I feel so ugly and uncomfortable constantly, I don’t want to be seen by anyone. My eating disorder makes a lot of things difficult, and I’m closeted as trans. It’s contributing to everything, way more than I can explain.
I don’t feel safe here at all anymore, despite having yet to experience physical violence. Admittedly, I wish I had experienced physical violence, it’s so much more straightforward and easy to explain, everything would feel valid. I never want to hear him yell at me or my baby siblings ever again. For the past 6ish months, I haven’t been able to go an hour without thinking about my father going off on me. I can’t help but cry all the time about it, it’s just becoming more and more traumatic for me. I’m constantly on edge. I full on panic at the sound of any doors, floorboards, and text notifications. There’s nothing I feel like I can do. I can’t get a job (no school, no working papers. I doubt anyone would want me working for them anywa), let alone trust myself to keep one. I can’t stay with family as far as I know, the one who took me in after I was taken away from my mother, was a manipulative narcissist, living in a tiny apartment of 4 and only kept me around to make herself look good amongst other family members. I truly feel trapped and I have no idea what to do. I’d try to wait it out, but there’s only so much I can take, four more years won’t cut it
(I kinda went on a rant myself. I apologize for the length. It’s just too much for me to carry)
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