It's impossible to live at home...

[Unregistered]

HI, I'm a 14 year old trans guy (ftm). Iv'e been having difficulties dealing with my problems, living at home, controlling myself and getting through
my situation. Living at home is like impossible for me my parents are separated but not legally so my dad sometimes comes (i live with my mom) he's
planing
something so i could live with him but i don't want to. My dad abused my mom physically and emotionally in front of me a few times he kinda makes me
scared
so does my mom. I actually don't wanna live with any of them. All my family hates me they say me things in front of my face and it's like they do it
on
purpose to ignore me. I always look depressed and not happy witch kinda explains why my family hates me. I feel like my only solution is running away.
I came out to my mom and dad in June my mom didn't take it that well she'll always complain of how i look, what i buy and how i act. She makes me so
angry
that i start to shack and want to explose cause it's too much. Iv'e tried and talked to her many times and even explained everything many times. Iv'e
told her that I just wanna be myself and that she should stop always being on my back but she aways turns her back and starts judging me until it turns
into a big fight.
I don't wanna go live with my dad because he makes me scared and i feel like he can't raise me. My mom don't ever listen to me she even lies to me.
She tells me things but then she'll go talk to a friend on the phone and tell her the real truth and start saying things about me like she hates me
and play around
my back. She never understands me iv'e cut it myself 2 times but i try not to and im almost at the point to get high sometimes but i didn't get high
(ever yet) cause I'm
never home alone. At school some people tell me things in front of the face and treat me like ******** and they just hate me for no reason and i have no
idea why. It's not like i'm being bullied but some people will just tell me things and be mean with me just when i talk to them or just do something
and when someone tells me something I start to shack and my heart beats more fast (it's always like that when I get a fight or get told something) that
I can be at the point to punch them, to yell at them or to just explose (it never happened yet that I explose cause I hold myself even if it's really
hard and when I get this feeling I'll jus say somethings mean to them but I always hold myself back and try not to say anything so I couldn't explose
Iv'e almost walked away of the class once because of a guy that was telling me thins in front of my face. I don't really have friends or talk to anyone
at school because I'm too depressed and tell myself that I don't need someone by my side cause I need to relax and I just wanna always stay alone.
My teachers at school know that I'm trans but only 3 of them call me by the name I chose they call me the others don't even try and it's been 1 month.
My counsellor and principal at my school told me that i could use the gender neutral bathrooms that we have until they somehow changed their minds to
say
no and that I should use the girl's bathroom and I'm sure that my mom said something she didn't care that I come out at school but she was telling me
things in front of my face as always it's like she always tries to put me down to make me feel like I'm nothing. Sometimes when we complain or have
fights she tells me "you better shut up I don't wanna hear any other word and that you don't touch me or I'm gonna hurt you real hard!". I don't
actually believe her so iv'e once just touched her (most of the time I lose controle that I slap things or try to slap my mom). She never leaves me
just
to breath she wants to know everything and even looks at my texts if I don't give her the password of my phone or computer sometimes she'll start
to go crazy on me just for that. She already hit me but it wasn't that bad. Once she grabbed me by my stomach and started pushing me so i wouldn't go,
once iv'e locked myself in the bathroom and she started hitting the door like a crazy person and telling me things to make me feel like nothing that
she ended up to break the door but by chance I wasn't in front of it. But once I was so angry at her so I locked the door of the house (I was scared)
so she didn't stop slapping the door and yelling that she took a chair from outside cause she wanted to break the window of the door and I was just in
front
of it until I screamed and she stopped. She's actually making me scared and I feel like things will get worst I know iv'e done things too but
it's not my fault if she's making me scared and that I can't controle myself. I even have difficulties to get out of the house and if I tell
my mom that I don't wanna go out she'll start yelling at me and insulting me Iv'e tried to explain her but she always turns her back and will
tell things in front of my face. I'm scared t go out cause I feel like everything makes me scared. I feel like everyone is starring at me. Whenever
I go buy clothes at the mall my mom will always judge what I'm buying (most of the time) or tell me to not buy anything because it spends money
while I don't understand how am I suppose to get clothes (we have money problems). It's like she really doesn't care if I don't have clothes.
I wanna run
away cause I can't get thought this I don't even know what to do I even don't have friends so I have no one to be there for me I actually know
someone that I could go live with it used to be my neighbour but now she turned 18 and lives on her own with her girlfriend in a apartment. She told
me to text her whenever i want if I need someone to talk to so she knows my situation but I just don't know how I could go live at her place
cause that will be running away and I feel like if i somehow don't live with my mom anymore one day I feel like she'll go crazy and won't let
me go.

[ccsmod16]

Re: It's impossible to live at home...

Thank you for reaching out to us here at the National Runaway Safeline.

We think it’s very brave of you to reach out for help, and we’re glad you did. It sounds like you’re going through a challenging and frustrating time, but we want you to know that you’re not alone, and that we will help you in whatever way we can.

We’re sorry to hear that both your parents and your peers at school are being mean to you. It must be especially hard when you’ve come out as trans and when some of your teachers are not calling you the right name, but we want you to know that it was very brave of you to come out and be yourself. You should be proud of that! However, you are ever going through a tough time because of you being trans, one resource is the GLBT National Hotline, which can be called at 1-888-843-4564. If you ever feel like you might want to hurt yourself because you feel so bad, please reach out to the Trevor Hotline at 1-866-488-7386 and someone there will be available to speak to you about your situation and help you through it

Regarding your life at home, you should not have to live your life in fear, and we’re sorry to hear that your relationship with both of your parents isn’t so great right now. It’s important that you feel safe where you are. Do you speak with your neighbor often, or do you have another friend or family member that you can talk to about your situation? Maybe there is someone who might be able to help you make your life at home better, or can find a safer place for you to life.

Additionally, have you thought about places or things that make you feel good about your life? Maybe there are things you do now (such as after-school activities or a hobby like reading) that you can focus on to take your mind off of your parents or peers at school. If there isn’t something that you’re doing now that makes you feel good, is there something that you’ve thought about doing that might bring you some calm and joy?

Please reach out to us at 1-800-RUNAWAY (1-800-786-2929) and we’d be more than happy to listen to you about your situation. Our phones are available 24/7 and are toll-free. Thank you for reaching out to us, and we hope you start to feel better soon!

[Unregistered]

Re: It's impossible to live at home...

I am so sorry about your situation. It may seem like I'm just giving u sympathy, and I don't really know how u feel, but I'm really not. I know how u feel. I'm bisexual (i like both genders) and non-binary (i don't identify as either gender. I haven't come out to my parents yet because they are abusive and I'm afraid of them. My mom went crazy 1 time 2. She flipped over a chair and smashed a door down. It made me so scared. The kids at teachers at school don't use the proper pronouns that I would like them to (they, them). I didn't exactly come out to school, but everyone figured I was non-binary. Sometimes I want to go to the boys bathroom, but they make me go to the girls. Legally I'm a girl, but being non-binary I don't identify as a boy or a girl. I get bullied at school and sometimes actually physically hurt. The kids can be so cruel, they just laugh. My mom and my dad don't care that I get hurt and are honestly not even there at all. I have cut myself multiple times before and I just can't stop. I understand that people, especially your mom, don't respect u for being a boy. Well don't mind them. u do u. You're awesome that way. Don't worry about them ok? Be yourself and don't change for anyone.

[ccsmod3]

Re: It's impossible to live at home...

Hello there,

We appreciate you taking the time to read through our forum and offer support to other posters. It sounds like you are proud of your sexual and gender identities and we think that’s great. At the same time, it doesn’t sound like you’ve had an easy road yourself and we’re sorry to hear you get bullied at school.

We want you to know while your support is appreciated, we’re here to listen and support you as well. It sounds like you’re still dealing with other people not respecting your preferred pronouns, your parents, and the urge to cut yourself. Maybe you’ve already heard of the Trevor Project, but if you haven’t they can be a helpful resource too. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/. There is also the Trans Lifeline http://www.translifeline.org/ for transgender and gender non-conforming folks. We thank you again for posting and wish you the best of luck!