Issues within

[Anonymous 342.]

Um, I kind of don't want to talk about it, but I guess it will help. So recently my mom has got I'm contact with my real dad about a few weeks ago, and he has come to visit a couple of times, and when he comes. My mom seems so happy, and we can actually get along, but recently when he stopped coming he usually stays for the weekend. A week ago, he didn't and It seems like when everyone isn't around she is verbally abusive, angry, frustrated, threatening. This morning I was getting ready for school, I didn't speak but I went into the bathroom, came back out and she said if you don't stop slamming doors, I'm not gonna tell you again, but I don't remember slamming any doors, I just went in the bathroom, and then When I was getting ready to leave, I heard her saying I'm tired of dealing with your smart Alice, but I never said anything at all to her, or to my little sister I stayed quiet. Then she threatened to put me out, and send me to military school, and said Good luck to living in the real world, but she has been like that for a few weeks, it’s all she is always mad at me for something I don't even think or remember I did. SHE told your sister that she needs to stop following after me, because I'm just gonna get her into trouble and that I'm about to get put out real quick. To make things worse I think that she thinks I'm gay, simply because I don't like wearing dresses, and every time a wear a pocket book, I end up losing it or forgetting where I put it so there's no point. I remember one time we were in the car, and she was talking to my grandma about how gay people would go rot in he'll, and I'm not gay, but I can't tell her that because she will think that I'm being smart. I'VE tries letting go, but, I can't stay mad, it's not my personality. It's kind of hard to hide your feelings, a lot of people think everything is ok, and I'm just the happiest person, but they don't know how I am on the Inside. I had a thought on running away, but I don't ever wanna get to that point. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost myself, I just want my mom back. Is there any advice. Words cut deep, when she said that I would just get my little sister into trouble I felt so worthless and like a failure. I never knew I would end up like this. The more I talk about it, the more I cry. I'm one of those types that everyone never see me cry, like I'm always laughing. Then I wanted to cry more when my friends seen, I felt so messed up and idk. This is temporary so I just have to move on, and find a way to deal with it. Sometimes I wouldn't mind wearing a dress, but I prefer not sometimes, I just don't like how it's open at the bottom, and how it shows your body figure. I feel like I can't get all my emotions out. I try laughing, because I'm afraid if I don't I'm gonna hurt someone or myself. I try to be good, but it seems like I do everything wrong. I feel like my heart is sinking and dropping with every cry. I just need my heart to be held. I wonder how it feels to just sink to the bottom of the ocean, and just flow with the waves. I know I can't complain much or stay sad, because there are people going through worst situations. I just gotta remind myself that I'm God's child and he will never neglect me when times get hard, and that he here's my cries. Even when it might not feel like it. HE is always there. I wonder if I should act and dress more girly, and wear my hair out naturally, then maybe she would accept me more. –anonymous

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Reply: Issues within

Hello,
Thanks for contacting the National Runaway Safeline.
We are sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time.
It must seem very confusing at times when trying to cope with your mother’s behavior.
It sounds like she lashes out at you at times and the attacks are unwarranted…you don’t deserve that.
It’s okay to be who you want to be and dress in what you makes you feel comfortable and no one should judge you because of it.

You started off talking about getting acquainted with your father but he has not visited lately.
Your mother’s attitude seem to have changed since the missed visits maybe you are right and she is feeling upset by this.
It’s know excuse to take things out on you it’s too bad she cannot see how her behavior is effecting you.
It sounds like you are trying to be strong and keep moving forward. Good for you.
Sometimes things can become overwhelming and it can be good to talk about it and share your feelings.
You did a great job doing so tonight.

It might be helpful to have some positive outlets when you are feeling upset, having something to distract you from the situation can be a way of coping. Having things like a hobby or activity can be quite useful.
Talking with someone you are comfortable with like friends, relatives or even a school counselor may be a way to relieve stress.
Does that make sense?

NRS is here to listen and here to help.
If you would like to talk more about your situation you are welcome to call 1-800-Runaway (786-2929) or live chat at www.1800Runaway.org.

We hope being able to express your feelings brought some relief.

Take Care,
NRS