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I just can't stand being around my mom

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  • I just can't stand being around my mom

    This is a place to vent right? Hopefully it is because I need to get this off my chest. This will be a long one, buckle up.

    I'm at about 17 now and me and my mom recently moved back to the state we were born in. We left the state when I was around 10 to 12 I think. My mom and I used to move around a lot in state but that point was the first time we would move out of state. I was not happy about it at all. Earlier in the years I was moved from public school. My mom thought I should get a better education, and now I sort of understand, but that started the gradual isolation from people. I lost all connection with my elementary school friends when I got to the new state, as well as most of my relatives. My big brother moved back home because of his friends actually. Back then I didn't understand, and was a bit angry with him. That's probably because he was the only thing I had left that I could really communicate with, and was disappointed that he left me when he was actually pretty smart for himself.

    I remember my mom back when I was a kid. She was rather chill. She worked a lot and could snap, but she overall did her best. When we got to the new state, she changed. I have nothing against religion, I believe every person has a right to believe what they want to believe according to the constitution. I got worried a bit though when she gradually became a christian. I remember a time where she told me that being curious about porn was perfectly normal, and that it was OK to masturbate and stuff. 8 months later she says the opposite. Porn is a sin, and masturbation is something to generally avoid. I felt so ashamed and confused. I still watch that stuff today even though she told me not to.

    She would make me go to these bible studies where we read the bible and christian works. I was OK with this at first. But as my opinions grew, and I believed in LGBT rights and other liberal stuff, I grew to not want to take part in worshiping a god that condemns these people, simple for being born. A year ago I actually expressed this after we didn't do any bible studies for awhile and she said that she was done teaching me everything I needed to know and that it was OK. The past year has actually in fact been getting pretty good, but lets continue with the story.

    We moved twice to different states until we moved pretty far from back home. At this point I had been isolated from anyone at all except my mom for about 3 to 5 years. I hadn't had a friend since my last home school, which was 2 years ago. I now go to online school, which makes it a bit difficult to make new friends since the format's so weird. I've heard once that prolonged isolation can cause depression, so a year ago I made the connection between my overwhelming emptiness, constant tiredness, lack of motivation, and suicidal thoughts (which I thought were just influenced from meme culture but at this point are too recurring and too often accompanied by my thoughts of worthlessness to be considered not concerning) with my social isolation. I started talking to my cats for crying out loud. I have pretty much never been by myself. I'm not allowed to leave my house without my mom and she's busy most of the time. I wouldn't want her with me anyways.

    She and I are very different. We have different personalities, she's introverted and I'm extroverted (or just extremely socially deprived), We can't really make much of a connection, and I feel like we can't really talk about anything. Every single serious moment with her is a ********ing nightmare. The arguments make me feel like ********. One time she called me a selfish brat over and over again as I stood there looking at the ground because I snapped at her. To provide context, I was sort of complaining indirectly how I feel pathetic being a 17 year old who doesn't know how to drive or who can't be by myself for more than 1 hour in a library, and when she explained to me how what I was feeling was wrong, I sort of shouted about how she was invalidating my feelings. To be fair I wasn't really thinking straight, and I don't remember much of the conversation. When she left I instantly thought the words "she's right you piece of ********, you're so pathetic you can't do a ********ing thing about it, just ********ing die." Variations of the same sentence filled my head until I criticized myself for feeling sorry for myself and how pathetic that was, and that I should die because of that. I was so tired at that point that I just stopped thinking about it and shuffled my way through my schoolwork.

    I remember one time that I tried to tell her that I was depressed, but I told her I didn't want her to do anything about it. I didn't want her to waste more of her money on me. The discussion went to my grandma somehow and when I asked if maybe she was depressed, she said something along the lines of, "why are you bringing depression into everything, stop it, you're just on hormones because your a teen is all." I just agreed with her and every time she asked if I was OK, I would just say yes like I used to. I find that just agreeing with her makes things easy.

    In short I'm an emotional, suicidal, insecure mess and it's technically partially my mom's fault. I want to get better. I want to become a functioning member of society. I want to start not thinking these thoughts. Now that I'm back home in the state I was born in, where my grandma and grandpa, and my brother and literally anyone else I knew is, I might finally be able to be better. I feel however that it has to start with getting away from my mom. I'm currently living with my mom in her friends house. Today we had and argument and she threatened that we would go back if I didn't start respecting her and stopped questioning the things she tells me to do such as cover my legs with socks because she needs me to shave them (despite the fact that it's my body, I'm seventeen, and I can do whatever I want with it. I'm also sort of against her telling me to do so because it sort of enforces the idea that girls need to shave their legs to look pretty for men, and that idea is misogynistic). I was mostly in disbelief, and tried to cut off the conversation to go do what she told me so I didn't have to deal with her. She snapped at me, and told me that she was just trying to protect me when we reconciled at the end of the argument (mostly because I just agreed with everything she said).

    I'm so ********ing tired of this ********. I already have multiple plans. The worst plan is to just wait until I'm 18, then I can get the ******** away from her and hopefully to hopefully my grandma and grandpa (who have it pretty well), or my brothers house (both him and his dad, who isn't my dad, sort of leech of their grandma's money. AKA My brother has no job). Ideally when my mom, my bro, and my grandma and I all get together at a restaurant, I can privately ask her the address to her house and then ask my bro for her phone number again. Then I can somehow talk to her privately and tell her some of this information and hopefully she will take pity on me and we can sort this out. Worst case scenario I get so ********ing tired of my mom and when she tells me we're moving back I just pack my bags and get out there and go who knows where.

    I don't think my mom is a bad person. I admire her for managing to live so long despite going through ******** and back. Even so, I just can do this anymore. Perhaps if my dad hadn't left before I was born and then got married to a hotter girl in a different state, and then die years later without me knowing him. Perhaps if he was here now things would have been different. However, it's today right now, and If I'm ever going to get better it has to be without my mom in my life. At the very least without her being a major presence in my life. I'm writing this as she's in the house and I've never felt more alive writing it. Maybe she's doing all this unintentionally, but regardless this relationship is just toxic and I want to get away from it as quickly as possible. It would be very nice if anyone can give me some counsel or advice on what I should do now, and whether I'm just being a selfish ********** or something. Thank you for reading. Hope I didn't waste your time.

  • #2
    Hello there and thank you for reaching out to us at the National Runaway Safeline! We are so sorry to hear that your mother is treating you this way. She is supposed to love you no matter what, and provide you the support and care that you need. You should know that you are strong, and that it takes a lot of courage to come forward and tell someone about what you’re going through and to ask for help, so that is extremely admirable. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out! You do not deserve to be mistreated or disrespected. Home should feel like a safe space, where you feel loved and respected and that you feel safe. You do not deserve to be treated this way and we are so glad that you recognize this.
    Your health and safety is of the upmost importance. You mentioned contemplating suicide. Please remember that while it may feel like your mother does not appreciate or understand you, someone out there does. If you ever want to reach out to someone to talk things through, just to have someone to listen to what is going on in your life, please do not hesitate to call us at our toll free number, we are available 24/7. You may reach us at 1-800-786-2929. Additionally, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is another resource that you can reach out to if you are ever feeling that way. They can be reached at 1-800-273-8255 or you can visit their website at suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
    We see that you talked about moving back to the state where you were born in, where your older brother and your grandparents are located as well. We understand it can be difficult, but as they are your family as well, communicating with them how you feel and how you would like to spend more time with them. It is completely fair for you to feel frustrated that your mother does not allow you to spend time with anyone besides for her, you need an outlet. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your mom about trying to reconnect with your family members, we offer a conference call service where we can facilitate a call between you and your mother ensuring that you are supported and that you are heard. If this is something you are interested in, we would be more than happy to do so if you reach us at our hotline number (1-800-786-2929).
    Sometimes, writing things out is also helpful. You talked about how you felt so much better after being able to put everything in writing and tell us everything that has been going on. Perhaps writing a letter to your mother and telling her about how you feel and what it has been like for you, that way she cannot interrupt you and has to read everything you have to say.
    You are not alone in this and you took a brave step by reaching out and asking for help. We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time. Your feelings matter. You matter.
    If you would like to talk in more detail, please do not hesitate to call us (1-800-786-2929) or chat us (www.1800runaway.org) click on the chat button.
    We wish you all of the best and please be safe!
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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