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i need help please.

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  • i need help please.

    I have never done something like write anonymously to a runaway hotline before, but at this point I don’t know what to do. I am enrolled in therapy but am never consistently going. I have been twice in five months. I have not been diagnosed with any mental illnesses such as depression, ADHD or bipolar, though I have suspicion that I have at least one of the three. (I have not gone for testing either) growing up, my parents fought a lot (badly) and it would result in traumatic experiences such as my dad throwing things at me, having to protect my mom from my dad in certain situations, and holding my sisters while crying on the phone to my grandmother at age 8 as my parents screamed at each other in the next room. These instances like this RARELY occur now. (I am simply giving the back story to see if that may help you advise me). I used to be a great kid: I had perfect grades, I was honest and happy and selfless, and then something changed and I don’t even recognize myself anymore. To make matters worse, my home situation is seemingly hopeless. I have reason to believe my parents are emotionally abusive. I have done some bad things (drugs and alcohol) and they found out about it (during an episode where I felt extremely suicidal and told them everything) and they use it against me at every opportunity. I rarely listen to them and I mostly do my own thing, but I am going crazy not understanding myself and my home life. School is often my safe haven, where I have my friends and the people that make me feel happy (even if it’s only temporarily) but I don’t want to come home after school. I am constantly in trouble. CONSTANTLY. Every single day. For different things like being marked late or absent for class and sometimes even the smallest thing can set them off. However, it’s not just a simple “you’re grounded!” my mother will b*tch at me for an hour (and i know it doesn’t sound like a lot but when someone is yelling at you and putting you down for an hour per day you can see why i am crying out for help). They will say the harshest things to me, mainly my mother but also my father. telling me things like he’s embarrassed to be my dad, that nobody gives a ******** about me, that I’m a “simpleminded ********ing follower” I’m a “retard” that I’m “nothing more than a ********ing loser”. They’ll put it in my head that my friends don’t like me and they RARELY let me out of the house. I am 16 years old and my mother hit me twice in the head last week. She threatened that if I “walked away from her she’d kill me” today. She called my dad out for being abusive this weekend and will not let me go to a funeral tomorrow because I went to my school football game during class. She will say all of these awful things and then will come to me and say “even if I’m mad I’ll still do anything for you” and tell me that she’s worried I’ll kill myself, which I consider from time to time. However, I don’t hate life, I hate where I am right now in my life. I do not want to kill myself. I want to get out of the house but I don’t want to run away. And I don’t want to live with my aunt or grandmother because that would mean forever changing my family and fully accepting and admitting that there is a problem here. And still what if the problem is just me? And the problems follow me to wherever I move? Then I’ve lost my mom and dad. This whole battle of hating them then loving them is where the suspicion of the emotional abuse comes in. they will make me seem like the problem. They tell me I am a burden and that me “monopolize all of their time at the expense of everyone else in the house including themselves” and that they wish that I wouldn’t be “such a problem in their lives”. And then we’re friends again. they say things such as “I don’t know what more we can do” and constantly remind me that I put in no effort into fixing our relationship, which I will admit is true but it’s because I really see this as a hopeless case and so what’s the point? As well as I move on extremely quickly and do not dwell on these problems, but rather savor the good moments while they last. Now I know I have done some bad things, but I feel that no one deserves this sort of treatment. My sisters will sometimes speak up about this, but when I bring up any sort of real conversation about the problem, they back out. (They are 11 and 14) I fail to understand how my mother is a social worker and yet still fails to realize that I need help. Now. How she fails to realize that my extreme change in behavior is probably a cry for help that I have not yet understood myself. If she is so worried that I will kill myself why isn’t she doing something about it?? I don’t try to resolve my problems with them because I know it will end badly (and possibly in worse condition than we were before) the rest of my family knows about this situation (my mother’s sister who says she thinks my parents are emotionally abusive and who wants to “adopt me”) and my grandma (who is my outlet). The whole family is worried about me and says that they can pick me up anytime. However, this would just further anger my parents. They hate the fact that I tell my grandparents about this and they make that clear to me. Instead of rambling on I’ll just finish by saying that I have never had other parents or another life so I do not know what it’s like to be raised differently. This is normal to me so if there is anything that stands out from what I said that is concerning, please let me know it would help me enormously. On top of all of this my best friend stopped talking to me because I refused to go out with him for the third time and I am pushing away those close to me. It feels like I am slowly losing my friends. I’ve already lost myself. If you’ve made it all the way through, thank you. I am writing here because I have no other outlet. Please help me.
    Last edited by ccsmod4; 10-23-2019, 12:55 AM.

  • #2
    I have never done something like write anonymously

    Thanks for contacting the National Runaway Safeline.

    We appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on.
    Some situations can be disappointing and even upsetting thus making things uncertain about what to do or where to turn. It can be tough trying to sort out your feelings out and even more difficult to try and understand the thinking behind the actions of others. You don't deserve to be spoken down to by anyone. it's not your fault for what your parent's say or how they treat you. This sounds like it has taken an emotional toll on you.
    We understand and we want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time. It sounds like you have some good support from relatives. Good for you. Having an outlet to vent can be helpful. It also sounds like you are in therapy. Building consistency with a therapist may be a way to work through the issues that exist. You are a strong individual and what you did by reaching out to NRS is amazing.

    If you would like to talk more in detail and share more about how we can help specifically, please call or chat soon. NRS is here to listen and here to help.
    We can best help by phone or chat as NRS is unable to respond more than twice by email or bulletin for assistance.

    Our contact information is 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or
    Again tell us what it is you would like us to help you with and we will be happy to explore some options with you.

    Take care,
    Last edited by ccsmod4; 10-23-2019, 12:58 AM.
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
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