I don't know what to do.

[Unregistered]

Hi there.

I'm 15 years old, turning 16 in early January. I've lived with my grandparents who are my legal guardians since I was 3 years old. My mom is very mentally unstable, gets drunk, and has the cops called on her too many times to count. My dad, I've never met him in my life.

Thing is, my grandparents have always forced their religion on me. They believe in Apostolic Pentecostal doctrine. They think women are supposed to wear skirts and dresses below their knees, have uncut hair, do not wear any make up or jewelry, etc.

They force me to wear skirts when I don't want to wear them. They force me to go to church. I once said no and my grandfather threatened he was going to drag me out the door and into the car if I didnt.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's, so she has no say in anything.

I've recently come out as Transgender and Pansexual, so he's not on the best of terms with me. If I bring it up he immediately gets mad and tells me to not talk about it. He's taken away my phone, laptop, and has shut the wifi off, blaming it on me "looking up stuff that's not right".

I want to cut my hair so bad. So, so bad. But I know if I do, he'll only get more upset.

There was a time last year where I got very suicidal. I had cut myself a lot, but was homeschooled so I had no counselor to talk to.

Plus, not to mention, the house is very unclean. It's infested with roaches. Most of the time the food isn't eeible because they crawl all over it in the cabinets, and even the fridge.

I honestly thought about running away last year with a friend of mine who is also Transgender and has unsupportive parents. We never did though, because we were afraid to.

I really have been thinking about running away. I don't have a place to stay, but I honestly don't care. I just want to be far away from here, and be who I want to be.

I just, I don't know what to do. I feel so confused. I hate living this way, being sheltered from the world, limited to what I can and can't do that normal teenagers can..

I just want to be happy, and be me.

[ccsmod1]

RE: I don't know what to do.

Thank you so much for reaching out to us for help. It is understandable why you are thinking about leaving. You deserve respect for your gender identity and your sexuality. We are sorry to hear that your mom and grandfather are not supportive. We are here to listen and support you in any way that we can. It sounds like you have been through so much. You deserve to be supported and to have a safe home.

It sounds like you have struggled with feeling suicidal and with cutting yourself. Your life has worth, and it was so brave for you to reach out for help. If you are thinking about killing yourself, there is so much help available to you. You can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 any time 24/7, or check out www.youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org for support. You can also call us any time you need to. We are here to listen and help.

Another resource that might be helpful to you is the Trans Lifeline, a crisis hotline staffed by volunteers who are trans identified. You can call them at 1-877-565-8860 or go to www.translifeline.org. Sometimes it can help to talk to someone who has been through the same kinds of gender issues you are facing. It can be very hard when a parent will not let you cut your hair or dress in a way that matches your gender identity. That sounds very difficult and painful. We hope this resource is able to help provide you with some support.

It sounds like you are living in an unsanitary home. Sometimes, conditions such as these can be considered a kind of child neglect. You have a right to make a report to child protective services if you want to. We understand this can be scary. If you have any questions about abuse reporting, feel free to give us a call. We can even file a report for you, but if you aren’t sure don’t worry. We will only file one if you give us your name and identifying information, and you don’t have to share anything you aren’t comfortable with.

It sounds like you are thinking about running away, but you aren’t sure where you would go. 18 years old is generally the age that an individual may leave home without permission from their parent or legal guardian. We are not legal experts here but we can speak in general terms. If you are under 18 and leave home without permission, your parent/guardian may file a runaway report with the police. What actions the police take once you are filed as a runaway can vary a lot from state to state and even city to city so we cannot predict exactly what would happen in your case. Generally speaking, if you encounter a police officer while reported as a runaway, you will likely be returned home. We can help you come up with a plan to deal with your situation and stay safe. Please don’t hesitate to give us a call if you need any resources or want to talk. We are looking forward to hearing from you soon, and wish you the best of luck.