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my family makes me isolate myself

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  • my family makes me isolate myself

    i have my doubts that this will be seen much but ive been under a lot of stress lately. during the summer i was with my grandma raising chickens and i actually felt the happiest ive been in a long time. but i just came back home to my family, and im reminded of why i wanted to get away so badly. as soon as i got back they took away my computer and hid it, im unsure what reason that was for. they generally just seem to distrust me with technology, and i could never dream of having my computer in my room. they have tried to put parental controls on my phone and my computer, though im a lot more technology savvy than them so it was easy to just disable it most of the time and just wait for them to forget. i tend to just stay in my room and draw or just watch youtube for a while. my mother is very easy to anger, and generally will take it out on me or my brother. i wish that me and him could talk with each other but my mother has been pitting us against each other for as long as i can remember. she curses like a sailor, has since u was a kid, but when you're young and hear the one person you look up to most cuss you out over a bad grade or any general mistake you make. obviously now i don't exactly consider her somebody i look up to. i find myself isolating myself from my family because it felt better than ever talking to them, it removed some of the risk of being screamed at. i can say with no doubt in my mind that i hate my mother. she likes the idea of being a parent but doesn't much care when it comes to actually parenting. she has zero respect for my privacy and will take things away from me for whatever reason she wants because i can't fight back. i convinced them to let me stay with my grandma for the summer and it was the best summer ive had. it wasn't exciting, but it didn't have to be. i just felt like i actually had family that i could say i loved. i don't love my mother. she makes me want to shove a butter knife through my head. in all seriousness i cry in the shower about every night, and i have considered running away many times. nowadays ive just been laying in bed on my phone, mostly because i don't want to get up and face her anymore. i just want to sleep all the time. i just wish i could have parents i love. my mother just nags me all the time about how i need to clean my room or that she hates what im wearing. im just fed up. im so fed up. she makes me actually want to kill myself some days, and makes me want to just run away all other days. im 15 now and im just counting down the days til i can leave this house. sorry if i was a bit all over the place, this is kind of just a rant right now. thank you for your time if you read all the way through this.

  • #2
    Hey there,

    Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing a little bit about what’s been going on, we know that it takes a lot of courage. It must be really hard to live in a home with so much tension. Running away is a big decision and it can be very stressful to figure out what you want to do. You mentioned that sometimes you actually do feel like killing yourself some days, we care a lot about your safety, and we can help you find resources that can help you cope with these feelings. You do not have to face this alone, and there is so much help out there for you. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline could be a good resource for you. You can check them out at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/, or you can call 1-800-273-8255 for help and support any time.

    It sounds like your mom doesn't understand how her actions and words are making you feel. It could be a good idea to work with a local family counselor or have a conversation mediated by a school counselor/social worker, trusted friend, or family member (like your grandma) to help clear the air. If you'd like, you can also call us directly and we can conduct a conference call with your mom so you have a safe environment where you can express yourself.

    If you’d like to go over what’s going on in depth, or if you’d like to explore other options that you may have available to you, please don’t hesitate to call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY. You can also chat us by clicking on the “CHAT” button on top of our homepage. We’re open 24/7 and here to listen and support you in any way we can.

    Stay safe,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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