I think I'm going to run away.

[Guest]

When the snow melts and the birds sing again. I'm going to run away. I'm tired of being the daughter who messes up. I'm tired of being the screw up. My mother always tells me how dissapointed she is in me. How my grades disgust her, how I disgusted her.
I'm trying, I really am but lately trying isnt good enough. My mom says I'm not trying anymore. Most recently, I've given up. All I do is cry anymore.All that relieves me is the cuts on my wrist. I feel like I'm useless.
I'm scared and alone.

[ccsmod8]

Re: I think I'm going to run away.

Hello,

Thank you so much for taking the time to get in touch with us. We at the National Runaway Switchboard greatly appreciate your time and truly hope that you can stay in touch with us for future use. It sounds like you are wise to at least wait it out until there is a much better weather. We imagine that this could make a difference depending on what limited resources you have and how far you can get. We empathize with the fact that you have been made to feel like you are not capable of making mistakes. Do you feel you deserve the chance to make mistakes and learn from them? It must be hard to feel like you are the daughter that messes up all the time. How does that make you feel? What are some other ways cope with those feelings?

You mentioned that you cut and it is not for us to judge you based on that. Just because you cut that does not mean you do not have you reasons and we fully appreciate you telling us the truth about it. Do you find it to work for you in a particularly way? This is just the way certain individuals cope. How do your friends feel about your cutting? Are there any particular things that happen to you that make you want to cut? Apart from your mother's disappointment, are there any particular feelings you experience that make you want to cut? What effect does your cutting have on your relationship with your parents or siblings? What does do for you? Do you use it as coping mechanisms? When you avoid the urge to cut, what do you tell yourself or do that works to keep from cutting?

One of our goals when you call us is to help you figure out a proper plan to cope at home or away from home but ultimately to see if you plans are reasonable and safe. We are always here 24 hours a day at 1800RUNAWAY for you to talk to one of us about your situation. We are always non-judgemental, empathetic and supportive to you. We imagine that your situation is not easy but you are not alone. We are not in a position to tell you what to do. We can only offer suggestion but not sound advice. That is why we never judge and confidential. We hope you can give us a call and we wish you luck.

-NRS

[Guest]

Re: I think I'm going to run away.

I hate being the daughter that screws up all the time. Sometimes I feel like I can do nothing right to make her happy that I'm her daughter. I am working on fixing my mistakes but by the time I do, she's always taken credit for it.
I fix my mistakes, I pick my grades back back up and she always says: Good thing I helped you get back or to her friends: Yes, She did have awful grades but we talked to her and now she's doing much better. I dont mind what she tells other people but inside the home I'd like to know that she knows I helped myself and was able to correct my mistake on my own to make her happy.
As for the cutting, Yes, I do find it helpful when I'm upset as a way of relief and a way out. I know my friends are hurt by it, they worry about me and they always tell me that its hard for them. I keep things from them now. I never tell them when I cut anymore, I don't like hurting them.
Lots of things make me want to cut. Alot of the time its the fights with my mother or dissapointing someone else(like my friends who I let down and hurt when they found out I lied to them about quitting cutting) Apart from my mothers dissapointment, when I get angry sometimes I cut or when I do something wrong. I guess one could see it as a punishment..but its not as much as a punishment as one would think I guess. My mom was upset the first time that I didn't come to her about the cutting, after that she was under the impression that I'd stopped until the day before I left for sleepaway camp. She was angry when she saw the cuts. Sometimes I tell myself that people won't like me if I cut, but thats not an issue anymore seeing as everything is different now. Most recently, I've told myself that my boyfriend wouldnt like me if he knew I cut but I've talked myself out of that one. He doesnt have to know.

[ccsmod1]

Re: I think I'm going to run away.

Thanks for sharing a little more with us. It sounds like you’re frustrated that your mom doesn’t recognize your effort to change when you do improve something. It does sound like that would be a tough situation to be in.

We’re glad you felt comfortable explaining why you cut a little more with us. Everyone has different reasons why they do it, what they get out of it and the effect it has on other in their life. Is cutting something that you want to continue doing? You wrote in your first post that it’s the only thing that really works to relieve you. Is there anything that you’ve thought of that you wanted to try that you didn’t know how to? There’s a hotline 1-800-DON’T-CUT that can sometimes help people that want to stop cutting find resources in their area to help them.

Sometimes it helps to just know that there’s someone out there willing to listen to you. We’re here for that. Our hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY, is available 24/7. Someone is always available to talk to you. We’re not here to tell you what to do, or judge you. We’re simply here to listen to you, encourage you and empower you to make the best decisions for you. Call anytime, day or night.

[Guest]

Re: I think I'm going to run away.

I am glad to see you are reaching out about your situation. Keep reaching out. Keeping talking. By Keeping your negative feelings inside it will only make everything worse. I am a middle aged female who as a teen had a similar situation. The cutting was a distraction from my emotional pain. It was also nice to have a name for my pain. A controlled pain that could be inflicted and stopped by my own doing. It seemed to work for me but not really. As time went by I became obsessed with hurting myself to cover emotional pain. I began to get careless. I have scars, I have accidentally injured myself, Have had wounds infected. As wonderful a tool the self inflecting pain was it started to rule my life. A sudden wake up call made me realize that what I was doing to myself was exactly what others had done to me in the past (In another form). I thought I was covering my pain but really I was hiding from myself. I learned to love myself and appreciate my life, my skin, my breath. I am thankful for everyday I survive in this cruel world. For it is the kindness of a stranger, The beauty in a sunset and the laughter of a child that is a our true distraction from our woes. I pray that you find other tools to deal with your pain. Talk with a friend, A counselor, A Teacher or write it in a blog or a journal. Don't let negativity rule you and put you on a road to self destruct. Your body is an amazing gift. You only get one. Treasure it and learn to love everything about who you are. Don't let other people's negativity effect how well you care for yourself. When you get feeling down. Take a walk, Count to ten, Drink a nice cool glass of water, Take a Shower, Workout, Make some health food goodies (muffins) Show the people who lash out at you that you will love yourself in spite of what they say and use the good distractions in life to keep you going. Life can get better. Hang in there. I am praying for you.

[ccsmod1]

Re: I think I'm going to run away.

Thanks for your encouraging words. It's always nice to have someone that's been there offer guidance and support.