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I don't know if I can do it anymore

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  • I don't know if I can do it anymore

    I'm 16, and I really don't know if I can make it another two years here. Things have been pretty hard recently, and it's made my situation a lot more difficult. I've always really wanted to move away from my stepfather, but not really my mom, and my dad was the one willing to take me in (until I found out something a few weeks ago, where my step-mother never really felt comfortable about me moving in because I come from my mom's side). I'm pretty mature and levelheaded for my age due to a lot of things I had to go through growing up, which I will not really talk about all of them - but more recently I've been getting suicidal and runaway thoughts even though I love living at the same time.. It's hard to explain.

    My step-father and I haven't had the best relationship, obviously. I believe it started when I was about ten and I came home to my mom bawling after she kicked him out for excessive lying and other things. This behavior was repeated when they got into a fight that got physical later on, and when me and him got in a massive argument where the cops were called. Growing up and seeing this happening set me in a place where I would never possibly be able to like him again, me having a very tight relationship with my mom especially after she suffered through depression and I was the only one there for her. He's not a very normal guy, very hot-headed, extremely socially awkward (always making things uncomfortable) and generally just not a smart person (which was agreed upon by virtually every therapist/family member we talked to). We had many verbal arguments growing up, some borderline physical, and I've become very uncomfortable living at my own home. I hate it here. I hate being with him, but I don't know what to do. Every time I'm around him he has something to complain about, and when he's not complaining I just simply don't like being with him.. He's not a very charismatic person, sometimes talks too much and generally does stupid things. He says I always act like "I'm perfect", when I don't think I really do - I admit when I'm wrong because I sure am a lot of the time, and I have the balls to own up and admit for my mistakes and wrong doings when he's the one who doesn't. He calls me a compulsive liar when he lies more than anyone else (it's what started their first breakup, when my mom learned that everything he said about himself was essentially riddled with lies), and no matter what I say or do I can never convince my mom otherwise and I'm the one who ends up in trouble. He's controlling, threatening and likes to use any form of power he has as a personal leverage in arguments and more. I've given him plenty of chances, and I simply can't stand being with him anymore. I've tried, it just won't work out. He always ridicules me, treats me like a toddler and is very hotheaded the moment I retort back. You know how sometimes you think of what to say after the fight when you're in the shower or something? He's the type of guy to run down 20 minutes after everything is settled and start screaming about it again after he knows what he wants to say, he simply doesn't know when to stop when everyone else around him is done with it. Today for example, we had an exchange about something as simple as food. I got not even a full plate of some eggs, toast and a side that I made myself and the first thing he does is complain about how much food I'm eating (even though I'm the skinniest guy in the house, the one who's growing the most and the one who goes to the gym the most..) He said if I was going to eat so much, then I should start paying for the food because he isn't. I said some stupid things in response, and we both kinda flipped out.. Ended up with me going downstairs, calming down, him going down and starting things again.. Saying that I was a liar, 'Mr.Perfect' and he was going to tell my dad even though I never blamed him for anything he didn't do. He told me I shouldn't dare text my mom like a tattletale, even though he talked to her about it alone without a chance for me to speak. There's lots to our relationship, and I just can't begin to write it all down.

    So I was going to move to my dad's, but that's off the tables now. I don't feel like I have anywhere to go anymore, and that I'm just stuck with him. My dad won't take me, and I've been feeling more and more trapped. I would've tried to get him kicked out of the house years ago, but I've always been worried about my mom financially and emotionally. She's sensitive, we don't have a lot of money and he (was) the only stable source of income for us so I felt like without him we would just crumple. My mom is going through gastric bypass too, so things are going to be pretty difficult for the next while. She says she gives me the choice all the time, but I don't feel like it's really there. If I'm 'selfish' and do this for myself, then everything around me is going to crumple. Why don't I just live with it? Or why don't I just remove myself completely from the equation, is the better thought.. Remove myself from my house, there would be a lot less drama around the house because the only person he's not a complete douche to is my mom, and I wouldn't be such a burden financially and emotionally. I don't know, but I don't think I can live with it. I can't get through it, and since tensions are just getting higher and higher I know one of these days me and him are going to have a real fight. I don't know what I can do. There's no where to run to, and there's no one to ask for help anymore. Not even my own mom is on my side, and my dad is too much of a pushover to do anything.

  • #2
    Hi there,
    Thank you for writing to us here at National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on. It sounds like you’re quite overwhelmed by things at home right now and you mentioned being harmed. We’re sorry you’re going through this. You don't deserve to be hurt in any way. If you are at risk of any danger or feeling unsafe, we encourage you to reach out to 911 or seek emergency assistance immediately. You may also be able to report any mistreatment to CPS. Child Help USA 1-800-422-4453 is an organization that helps protect minors from being harmed. It may also be a good place to explore options for staying with another family member or someone you trust as far as transferring custody.
    Often, having a safe space to share how you’re feeling may bring a variety of solutions previously not thought of. You are not alone in this. We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time.
    If you would like to talk more in detail please chat soon through our website (click on the chat button) if you are unable to call in. We unfortunately cannot give advice as we are non-directive. You know your situation best
    We hope to hear from you soon.
    Be safe,
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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