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  • I'm scared

    I'm 20 years old. I come from a strict Catholic background so that means I always should say yes, please, and thank you after almost all my sentences. Which is all very important because manners are important. That also means though that I am accustomed to apologizing a lot. It's not because of my religion but because of the culture tied into my religion. I'm from an Asian household so the eldest male is always right. Pretty traditional. Even though I have listened to my parents almost my entire life with exceptions my parents continue to be overbearing. So I ran away today and I am really frightened. I want to say that I am going to be okay but I am poor. I don't have money, I don't have resources and it's all because of my parent's perfect plan.

    So growing up my parents were actually my friends, I really miss those days. Until I got angry when they became more emotionally and physically abusive. I slept in the same bedroom as my parents until recently in May after I turned 20 my parents let me sleep in my own room. We have cameras everywhere and we have alarm systems and they have never trusted me. In fact, when I was in the third grade I had a secret diary and my parents are extremely invasive. They don't know what private means and they said because I am their daughter they own me and have the rights to my belongings and to me because they paid for my birth. So they looked at my diary and saw that I wrote that I liked a boy and my mom beat me up for having a crush on a boy. I also got beat up once again in the 7th grade and called very mean names because I had flirted with my friend through text and my parents were very angry. I have never run away or even snuck out but today my mom has gone too far. I started to disobey them on very small matters but I HAVE NEVER EVER done drugs, alcohol, and or anything to harm myself. I am essential a good kid who went to school got good grades and came back home to do the chores. Every day that was my lifestyle but I wanted that to change. I wanted to play tennis. My parents prevented me from playing because they said that I would get tan, ugly and that only boys should play sports. They commented on how tan I became when they let me play during my Junior year in high school. I had a really great time and enjoyed the sportsmanship amongst my friends. Unfortunately, I injured my leg very badly and my parents prevented me from continuing to play. I was very depressed towards my senior year and then this was when my parents began to become more forceful. They made me participate in some pharmaceutical program but it's not even something I was passionate about. I did have fun because at least some of my other friends were there but we were miserable together. Since all our parents forced us to do the program because one friend was passionate about it. I was resentful of my parents because there was another program that I was actually passionate about that was also taught at that school. I begged them but they had no concern for my interests. During that time it was especially hard for me because I knew I was about to step into college and had no idea what school I was going to go to. My parents forced me to apply to GCU and though it was a blessing it was still forced upon me. I agreed and applied. So when I found out there was this scholarship for the school I asked them if they could commit some of their time to take me to school so I could achieve attaining a full-ride to college. I only asked them to drive me on Saturdays when they're free and pick me up to go to church with them. It made me angry because when it came time for when my brother applied for college my parents drove him every single day. Now he does not have to pay a dime for college. My parents have been financially abusive to me as well. They tell me that because they pay for my school I have to follow all their rules. I am never allowed to do anything because my parents said I will get pregnant and that they will have to take care of my child. I am so scared because today I packed my bag and moved all my things. I am scared because as I grew up all my parents ever told me was that family is always important. That they love you the most but I just remember my parents hitting me and manipulating me into feeling like they are victims of my choices. Which do not affect them whatsoever. They make me fulfill their dreams and go to all the things they wanted to do but missed out because they think I will have fun. I told them that I was miserable and that I am not happy at home. My mom told me that whatever happens to me is because of God's plan but I can tell you that at the church God does not tell me that I need to be miserable. He tells me that I need to do what's right. I can't love myself because all I ever hear my parents say is that I won't be loved when I leave. That no one will care for me and that I will be out in the streets and left for dead. Family is important and number one and that I am worthless without my family. Right now I am miles and miles away from my home and trembling. I am so afraid. I feel like I would be left alone. I want to turn back but I know my mom and dad will continue their abusive behavior towards me. I just wanted to move to love and forgive them. If I stay there longer the more the abuse I receive the more I am going to lose my mind. I never called the police. My parents almost killed me so many times just because I didn't do something right. Or when I got sick and coughed at night my mom would wrap her hands around my throat to strangle me. Or hit me and ask me why I didn't take care of myself and let myself get sick. I got sick because I would stay up so late studying for the classes she expected me to take... I got stress sick. It was becoming too much for me because now I am 20 and still being held hostage at home. I am not allowed to do anything while my brother is frolicking in the wind. He is growing becoming happier. I am not allowed to pursue my passions. I have always felt alone for a long time. I would always put a smile on my face throughout high school and I was always nice because I wanted to feel safe and loved. That was not what I was receiving at home. Then I got into a verbally abusive relationship with a boy that I fancied. He was so awful. He made me feel horrible about my body and everything about myself. I was so sad. I wanted to die. I was constantly compared to models on instagram and girls on the streets. I only dated him because he was what my family would have wanted. A boy who was of the same race. At my church, it's horrible there too. People always gossip. I never felt loved by them. Just by God. He is the one who saved me from taking my life when I was in the 8th grade. I hardly came home during my first years in college to avoid the abuse and when I actually do come home my parents always commented on how I never do anything in the house. My mom became obsessive with how my body was looking and she kept calling me fat. It was honestly awful. I stopped eating but then started eating again. Now I feel stronger and today that I why I ran away. I ran away because my mom tried to compare a situation where I told her I got raped and she minimized it. She said that God lets these things happen to us so that we become better people but I do not see that you became better. Well, you know what. I am tired of it. I shared with her something so personal and she just brushed it off and tried to put fake religious words on me. I am tired of it. I need help though I have nothing. No money because my parents never really let me get a job and now I am so sad and alone.

  • #2
    Hey there,

    Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing a little bit about what's been going on, we know that it takes a lot of courage. It sounds like life at home was very stressful - you don't deserve to have been treated so poorly by your parents. Everyone deserves to feel safe at home. You mentioned that you were raped and that your mom was dismissive of your feelings. You do not deserve to have had this happen to you, and we believe and support you. You are a survivor and that means that you have a great strength and resilience inside you. It can be really hard to deal with this alone and sometimes it’s helpful to reach out to additional agencies for support. One really great resource for all survivors of sexual assault or abuse is RAINN (Rape Abuse Incest National Network). You can call them any time 24/7 at 1-800-656-4673, or go to www.rainn.org to use their online hotline. RAINN is the National Sexual Assault Hotline and has a lot of services, support and resources that you may find helpful.

    Since you are 20 you are considered an adult and your leaving home is completely legal. If you are in need of shelter you may want to check out the National Homeless Shelter Directory by going to https://www.homelessshelterdirectory.org/ to find a shelter in your area. If you’d like to explore other options that you may have available to you, please don’t hesitate to call us at 1-800-RUNAWAY. You can also chat us by clicking on the “CHAT” button on top of our homepage. We’re open 24/7 and here to listen and support you in any way we can.

    Stay safe,
    NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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