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My family makes life unbearable and I need advice

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  • My family makes life unbearable and I need advice

    I'm teenager around the age of 13, soon to be turning 14 sometime soon. Recently I've been having thoughts of wanting to run away or kill myself, mainly because of my family. This has been going on since the beginning of the new year by terms of it getting worse. Since January I've been venting online on places where I know my family doesn't go on, and so far they haven't found out. These are all the things that my parents (and family) have done to me during the past 3 months and how its been affecting me:

    March:
    "I just went to a doctor's appointment and like I've mentioned, I tried my best to come out to my parents about being trans. My mom said it as if I was messed up and that I needed medication to "fix" me just because I don't like being called a female and I prefer being called a male, and that I hate my name. Yes, my parents have suggested doing stuff like this before to make me fit their standards. Like I've said, they think I'm going through a phase. The doctor pretty much agreed with my mom, saying that I was most likely just confused because I'm 13 (turning 14 later this year) and that I just wanted to be like all the other kids. Like, no?? I'm serious about this and it shouldn't be so hard to ask that I can be called by my proper pronouns and name, but nobody actually believes that I can come to that conclusion because "oh they're 13 so that means they're a stupid dumb teenager". Then my dad later came in my room and said that I overreact to every little thing when he tries to interact with me.

    As for that part, I keep saying "Hey, I don't feel safe in my house living with my family, that should mean something." but no one listens. I'm half tempted to run away and the other half to just end it. I've literally had to lie to my therapists now because they all won't believe/listen to me. Only my friends are there for me irl nowadays, and even then my parents are so controlling that I can't even go over to anyone's house because they have to know the parents of my friend well enough and if I were to be gone for too long, then they're going to call the police because they want their precious child back that they love abusing everyday. No, I also don't have a phone of my own because I'm "too irresponsible for my own good".
    "

    February:

    "My dad was yelling and screaming at me and my sisters, and his face was red. He called us ungrateful brats, that I was a (insert slur here), and that he wished that he never had us. Then he stormed out of the house. We were going to go to church, and it’s the only thing that I can go to nowadays to get away from my parents. We have to be there around 6:30 pm. He was rushing us out the door by 5:45 pm. It takes 5 minutes to get there. Around 6:00, he was telling us that we had 5 minutes to get ready or else we wouldn’t be going. At that point I just threw my stuff on and sat in the car in the garage. As I was getting in, he was complaining about my “attitude” and how I was a selfish brat. Once me and my sisters got in, he just started screaming at us and said that we weren’t going to church. Then he threw some things in our house (along with almost hitting my sisters with aforementioned thrown objects) and left, now he’s back at home. He yelled at us so much that it drove me back to cutting myself…I’m sick and tired of his behavior. My dad’s birthday was that day, and he said “Thanks for the great birthday.” as he stormed out of the door while slamming it shut; his excuse is because it was his birthday. He says he’s a Christian and puts up this mask around everyone else, and is the complete opposite when he’s at home. He never acts like an actual Christian. He lies to everyone and says how much he loves us. Same goes for my mother.
    "

    "So my dad snapped at me again. He told me how much he hated my attitude, and how I needed to stop acting like such a little ******** and get my act together. Right now he's exercising and muttering to himself about me. It got to the point where I just went back to my room and I started cutting again. This time the wounds are bleeding even more, and even then a few days ago when I'd scrapped some of my skin on my pinkie toe he didn't give a ******** when he heard me scream in pain about it because it was bleeding. I don't even want to come back home from school. I just can't. I've had enough of his abuse, to the point where I've returned to cutting three times in two years."

    January:

    "I sent an email to my friends about the suicidal thoughts and I had to go to the hospital, but my dad went with me. Luckily I had the option of staying in the hospital room by myself. So afterwards, it was okay but then like what happened about two years ago (because I had went to the ER for the same exact reason in 7th grade) everything went back to the same exact way it was before. Except my dad fixes me breakfast now, even though I don't need it fixed for me. The only reason I'm now getting sleep is because I still actively avoid my family in my bedroom, but for longer durations of my time and I get bored easily, leading to me falling asleep faster.

    He told me to shut up on the way to church and back and acts like I'm the one causing mass hysteria between my siblings. On the way there I said that he's the one making it seem like we're fighting. (Ergo, we weren't) He then just laughed and in a sugar coated way, he basically told me I'm dumb. And then on the way back, he told me that I needed to shut up, but went on a rant. Later he told me that I'm absolutely disrespectful, and that my counselor/therapist(s) need to start working on that with me ASAP. The thing that's new (well not really) is that he keeps doing this, and I quote him exactly: "Do you need a hug? Do you want a hug? I'm giving you a hug." The thing is, he knows I absolutely hate being touched/hugged. And he does this multiple times everyday. And I also had a family therapy session with my parents, and then they both said that they were abused by their parents. Well, that's upsetting and all but that means ******** if I've been to the ER for suicidal reasons twice, and you just went back to how you treated me beforehand which was the major reason why I even had those feelings to begin with. I was so happy once they finally left so I could talk to my therapist alone, because it was then starting to become a pity party for them.

    My dad also like he does nothing wrong and is entitled to make all my decisions for me. Currently my door still hasn't been put back up, and I don't have any privacy at all. At that time I was on the sucky feminine hormonal stage and I still have no privacy. But I haven't told them about it, because both my parents are going to have me wear these adult sized diapers because in their words I'm a "slob" and can't take care of myself at all. Anyone can just waltz in whenever they want, and I don't like it.

    I want to get away from my family, but I can't. They give me all my medications that I need, and there's no one I can turn to. I don't feel safe where I'm living at all.

    I was able to wake up because my dad was yelling and cursing at something (he always is). I could barely get out of my bed, but I could tell dinner was ready because I heard my sisters rushing to the kitchen. Once I managed to get to the kitchen, the only thing that was left was basically just table scraps. So I ended up just not eating since I could barely fix myself anything anyways (barely anything left). My dad “reminded” me that dinner was ready, to which I replied “Yeah, thanks for the scraps.”. No one calls me for dinner when it’s ready. No one. It’s the reason why I haven’t had actual dinner since two weeks ago; I’ve had to microwave chicken noodle soup and hope for the best. Then he just snapped me, saying that I wouldn’t be hungry if I’d gotten of my lazy butt (censoring here) and that I needed to stop going on my chromebook for so long.

    Me and my sister had a fight. She was annoying me the entire time, and I told her to knock it off. My dad got involved and he told her to stop it, and then he told me that I needed to learn how to ignore people. We argued (in church) about it until I told him to shut up and that he doesn’t listen to me either. My dad also allows my toddler sister to constantly say things like “[my birth name here]’s ugly!” or “Bad [my birth name here]!” over and over. I tell her to stop, and my dad tells me to “ignore it” again. She keeps going, and my sisters join in too. I yell at them to knock it off/shut up, and my dad yells at me to shut up and learn how to put up with it (sometimes he even says to stop harassing them)."

    And after all of this, nothing has improved. More recently my mom said that she's going to send me and my little sister to a mental hospital if we have another suicide crisis again and never come back. Later on my mother was mocking and screaming at my sister for having suicidal thoughts and said that my dad should've let the hospital/E.R. keep her and make sure she doesn't return. I told two counselors at my school and not the social worker who blames me for my dad's abuse and they called my mom after I told them about it. My mom said that she was looking into group homes to send me and my sister too, and said that she's tired of dealing with me and my sister's "screwed up mentality" and wants to get rid of it, preferably by the end of May. I've tried telling my therapists and the counselors, but no one believes me and if they actually do, then they just end up making things worse. My dad constantly calls me stupid and other slurs, and I don't think I can handle it. I don't have a phone and I'm not able to call for any help. I'd go to one of my friend's houses, but I don't know where most of them live and even then most of them have pets, which I'm allergic to. I also have depression, autism, and anxiety, which is probably why I'm targeted the most out of my family. I really need help.

  • #2
    Hi there,
    Thank you for writing to us here at National Runaway Safeline (NRS). We understand it takes great courage to reach out, and we appreciate you sharing a little bit about what’s going on. We want you to know that we are here as support to help you through this challenging time. We can best help by phone or chat as NRS is unable to respond more than twice by email or bulletin for assistance. If you would like to talk more in detail and share more about how we can help specifically, please call or chat soon.
    Our contact information is 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929); www.1800runaway.org (click on the chat button).
    If you are at risk of any danger or feeling unsafe, we encourage you to reach out to 911 or seek emergency assistance immediately.
    We hope to hear from you soon.
    Be safe, NRS
    Please remember you can reach us directly by calling our 24 hour hotline, 1-800-RUNAWAY (786-2929) or through our Live Chat.

    National Runaway Safeline
    [email protected] (Crisis Email)
    1-800-RUNAWAY (24 Hour Hotline)

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